Tell Me What's Best
by beatlebun
Summary: Kurt and Blaine haven't spoken in years, but when Blaine finds out he only has a year to live things change. Warning: character death
1. All I Can Breath is Your Life

**_When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am_**

**_._**

* * *

><p>Kurt's breath hitched in his throat when he opened his mailbox. There it was, his name, staring at him quite obviously. It was the only message in bold, since it was the only new message he had.<p>

Kurt stared at the name for a good five minutes, thinking it would disappear, vanish into nowhere just as the boy behind the name had two and a half years ago.

It didn't vanish, though, it kept staring back at Kurt's blank and astounded gaze. Only when Kurt was sure the name in front of him would win this staring contest, he decided to open the mail.

Open it, not read it, open it so it wouldn't stare at him anymore and read it once he was ready.

Also, it might be better to not read the message while Jim was sitting in the next room. Because Kurt knows Jim. Kurt knows Jim knows him and that's good. It's good because most of the times it meant they complement each other like singers complement each other in a beautiful duet.

So Kurt closed his mail, shut down his laptop and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, with Jim taking a shower they talked about their day.  
>Kurt crawled into bed and grabbed a magazine, waiting for his gorgeous and older boyfriend to come cuddle next to him.<p>

The mail kept creeping into Kurt's mind, what would be in there and how on earth the boy had had the nerve to try and get in touch, Kurt thought he'd been very clear those two and a half years ago when he had said he didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

Jim, as Kurt had suspected, immediately asked what was wrong when he walked into the bedroom, towel around his waist, drops of water gliding down his chest.  
>Kurt knew he should have been aroused by that, he always would be aroused by that, but not today.<p>

"Hard day at college", he muttered, so Jim pulled off his towel and dried himself, putting on some boxers and crawled into the bed.

Kurt couldn't help but sniffle a bit, usually Jim would crawl into bed wet and they'd have sex, and the fact that now Jim dried himself off and put on boxers before getting in kind of gave away he did it on purpose.

"I remember those days", he said, pulling Kurt close and snatching the magazine to put it on his bedside drawer, "we'll just cuddle and fall asleep".  
>Kurt felt young, whenever Jim said stuff like that, and he wasn't that much older. Just four years, Kurt was 24 and Jim was 28, it was just that they were in different stages of their life that sometimes made it seem like there was a bigger age difference.<p>

Kurt lived in a dorm room at the NYU college campus; Jim lived in a crappy apartment in the middle of New York City.

"Just go to sleep, you'll feel better in the morning", Jim said and kissed the top of his head.

Kurt had the slightest idea Jim might've had a hard day, too, because he fell asleep almost immediately.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt didn't.

The message kept creeping through his head, so he himself crept out of bed at around 3am, opened his laptop and went to read his mail.

.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Kurt,<em>

_I know I shouldn't be contacting you, I know that, but there is something I want you to know._  
><em>I hope you will read this message, if you won't I completely understand, but you should know I'm not contacting you out of pity or spite, I'm contacting you because I need you.<em>  
><em>I got some really, really bad news yesterday and I don't know where else I can turn to.<em>

_I've been ill for quite a while now, and yesterday the doctor told me I have cancer and it's probably not curable. It's already been spread, and they are looking into treatment right now._  
><em>I'm sorry for burdening you with this sudden harsh information, but I need you to know I'm not messing up your life for absolutely nothing.<em>  
><em>I would like it if maybe we could meet up and talk, but if you don't I will respect your wish.<em>

_I hope you're well, Kurt, I really do._  
><em>I meant what I said all those years back, I really care about you.<em>

_Yours truly,_  
><em>Blaine<em>

* * *

><p>Wow, so Blaine was ill. He might die. That was some pretty severe information for Kurt to handle at 3am in the morning. A bit too severe.<br>He blankly stared at the screen for a good twenty minutes before he came to his senses and let himself cry over the boy he thought he'd forgotten about. Forgotten, not gotten over. He'd never get over Blaine if he kept thinking about him.  
>But why Blaine was asking for him was kind of a mystery, he had made it pretty clear he didn't <em>need <em>Kurt those two and a half years back, when Kurt had granted him the choice.

* * *

><p><em>don't believe you haven't had access to internet in 6 weeks and besides, you were online of facebook minutes ago. You can either respond to this with a very, very good explanation of why I didn't hear of you in the past 6 weeks, or you can consider our friendship ended, and I want to break every form of contact whatsoever.<em>

* * *

><p>Blaine never responded. Kurt never got his reply with explanation of why Blaine hadn't emailed him in those 6 weeks he'd been away.<p>

Blaine had been at home, with his parents, in a tiny town called Marysville, Ohio, just in between Lima and Westerville. Kurt had been in Europe, Holland to be exact, for a term at the University of Amsterdam.

He and Blaine had broken up before that, just at the end of High School. Kurt remembered him and Blaine meeting up for coffee, and something seemed off. So when Blaine walked him to his car, he had asked what was wrong.

Blaine had pulled him in the closest hug he'd ever felt.  
>"I'm breaking up with you", he whispered in Kurt's ear.<p>

"I'm sorry. You'll always be my best friend, but I don't feel that way anymore".  
>Kurt had simply nodded, he knew Blaine was right. They didn't feel that way anymore. Or Blaine didn't and Kurt could notice that, so his feeling started to ebb away as well.<p>

.

* * *

><p>They'd always be best friends.<p>

* * *

><p>.<p>

They'd not always be best friends. Because after a year and a half together, you don't just go back to being best friends.

They'd always be ex-lovers who still cared deeply.

It wasn't easy, but they tried.

* * *

><p>Kurt wakened out of his trance when he heard Jim turn around and moan a little, probably noticing the empty side where Kurt was supposed to be. He quickly closed his laptop and sneaked back into the bedroom, in bed and in Jim's arms.<p>

Jim hummed satisfied, scooting closer to Kurt and mumbled something like 'don't ever leave again', which made Kurt's heart shatter in a thousand pieces.

Kurt knew what he was going to do, but he wasn't sure if he could tell Jim. They'd always been honest with each other so far, and Jim knew exactly who Blaine was. He had never really liked Blaine for what he'd done to Kurt.

But Kurt needed to see Blaine, needed to know he'd be okay, because if it didn't, if Blaine would actually die and Kurt didn't respond to the mail, he knew he'd regret it forever.

So the next morning, after Jim had left for work, Kurt opened the mail for the third time in 24hours and this time clicked the reply-button.

.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Blaine,<em>

_Thank you for letting me know about you. I'm so sorry to hear all this and I would really appreciate meeting up. Maybe it's best to meet after you know more about the treatment, so you can tell me exactly what is going to happen._

_Yours,_  
><em>Kurt<em>

* * *

><p>.<p>

It didn't take Blaine long to respond, this time through text message. For a second Kurt wondered if Blaine knew his number by hard, or had never deleted it. Either way, it didn't matter.

.

* * *

><p><em>Bad news. Can I see you today?<em>

* * *

><p>.<p>

Wow, that didn't sound too good.

.

* * *

><p><em>I'm in NYC, sorry.<em>

* * *

><p>.<p>

And Kurt truly was sorry, he desperately needed to know how Blaine was handling this bad news, because bad news sounded like it meant 'I'm dying'.

.

* * *

><p><em>Me too.<em>

* * *

><p>.<p>

And so they met up at a small coffee house.

It was easy to recognize Blaine through the crowd, his hair all grown out, sticking out places, glasses on and hazel eyes wide in search for Kurt. But besides the long and careless hair and lack of contact lenses, Blaine did not look ill at all. A bit tired maybe, but Kurt assumed he looked just as tired with the amount of sleep he had last night.

"You haven't changed a bit", he smiled widely once Kurt sat himself across the table from Blaine.  
>"I ordered your regular".<p>

Kurt didn't like this. This wasn't chitchat or catching up, this was talking about severely bad news Blaine had probably just heard today.

"What's the verdict, Blaine, what did the doctor say"?

Blaine's face fell.

"Do you mind if we don't talk about this? I just heard the news this morning and I'd rather not spend the rest of my year on earth crying".

"That's the reason I'm here, Blaine, because you're ill", Kurt started responding, when suddenly he realized what Blaine had just said.  
>"A year? You only have a year?"<p>

.

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls.  
>I'm not quite sure how long this fic'll be, but I do know where I want to go with this. I hope you guys enjoy it .<em>


	2. Pull Me Out From Inside

_**I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine  
>.<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Where were you"?<p>

Jim sat on the couch, eating right out of a take-out box.

"I had to get Chinese, I expected you to cook for me".

"I'm not your wife, Jim".

"No, no, baby, I didn't mean it that way. Look, I got enough for both of us. It's just that you said you'd stay home all day and cook, and I come home to a empty house. I was worried".

Oh right. Jim was worried, because Jim cared. And Jim knew him, so he knew Kurt was never home late.

"I'm okay, and thanks for getting Chinese".

Kurt scooted himself next to his boyfriend, who handed him two sticks to eat with.

"You have to stop pushing yourself, baby, all this studying won't do you any good."

"I wasn't studying".

With a soft 'oh' Jim let it go, but Kurt could see on his face it was still bothering him.

"Jim, I need to tell you something and I _need _you not to freak out. Like really, be open for anything that might come your way right now".

Jim sighed.

"Yes, baby, you know you can tell me anything."

"I was with Blaine."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"He's dying, he's got a year tops".

Kurt heard Jim shudder next to him and was happy to find his boyfriend wasn't asleep yet. They'd gone to bed in silence, Jim obviously annoyed by the fact Kurt hadn't talked to Jim about this major decision.

Kurt knew Jim wasn't annoyed by the fact it was Blaine, just annoyed because he knew how much this meant to Kurt and he hadn't included Jim in the decision.

"You could have told me", he sighed, "what's wrong with him?"

Now it was Kurt's turn to sigh.

"He'd been having pains in his chest after performing for quite a while, apparently he's on Broadway, and it turns out he has an aggressive, far progressed form of lung cancer. He now has to decide if he just wants to live out the few months he has, or extend his life to a year tops, but then he'll need chemo, which will make him really ill".

"How old is he"?

"25".

"Was he a smoker"?

"Never".

"That's just cruel".

And Jim pretty much summed it up right there, it's just cruel that a successful young Broadway actor had to have lung cancer and just die from it, just like that.  
>Cruel was the only word that could describe the entire situation.<p>

"And how are you"? Jim asked, now turning over so he was facing Kurt.

"I'm not the one dying", he responded.

"I know, but how are you holding up"?

That was Kurt's cue to start sobbing uncontrollably.

Jim moved over and took Kurt in his arms, heaving his head to his chest where Kurt could hear his heart beat, which was somewhat comforting, so Kurt could speak again.

"I feel like I've thrown away the past two and a half year. I feel like such a baby for giving him that ultimatum, I should've just called him and asked him what was going one. Who knows what was going on, maybe he had a really good explanation.  
>But no, me being the baby I am had to give him this stupid ultimatum, telling him I never wanted to speak to him again and now he's dying and I've only got a year to make it up to him.<br>And it's so unfair, because he just got his first Broadway part 3 months ago and because of that he found out about this stupid, stupid decease and now he'll die before he even has children or a family, or a career.  
>I know you think him an asshole, but he doesn't deserve any of this. He really doesn't".<p>

"I know, sweetie, he doesn't. He's way too young to die."

Because that he was, way too young to die.

"And I don't think him an asshole. I just want a really good explanation of why he didn't contact you back then."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

If Kurt thought Blaine did not look ill the first time around, he was in for a shock the second time.

It was two weeks later, Blaine's cheeks were hollow, his face pale and the fire was out of his eyes.

It was almost as if they weren't hazel anymore.

His eyes had always been hazel and so telling, but now Kurt couldn't know what he was telling.

They weren't as concerned as that Valentine's Day in 2011.  
>They weren't as nervous as that week before Regionals.<br>They weren't as telling as when Blaine had first told Kurt he loved him.  
>Kurt swore to this day he had literally seen little hearts in Blaine's eyes that day.<p>

"You don't look too good", Kurt said as he let Blaine in his dorm room, where he had been studying until then and that said something, it was 1am.

Blaine's lips curled up a bit, attempting a weak smile, but it never reached his eyes.

"I feel awful", he admitted and lay down on Kurt's bed, not having the strength to sit up after such a long trip.

"I've decided what I'm going to do", he said when Kurt sat down on the edge of the bed next to him.  
>"No chemo, just enjoying my good days while I have them".<p>

"Sounds fair", Kurt answered, "but you look really ill now, will you even have good days"?

Now Blaine's smile did reach his eyes and Kurt saw them changing a bit more into the familiar hazel he knew so well.

"Today is particularly hard, I made a decision, told my parents and then travelled here".

"What did your parents say"?

Blaine shrugged, his face turning even paler to the extend where Kurt thought that must've been both illegal and impossible.

"They said, and I quote, they don't care if I die tomorrow, as long as I'd rot in hell for the rest of eternity".

* * *

><p>"His parents won't even talk to him, won't hear him out and are actually <em>happy <em>he's going to die. They weren't like that when I was with him. I know they were reluctant, I know they never spoke about it and I wasn't allowed to come over and stuff, but they still sent him to Dalton when he was being bullied, they cared back then. How could anyone _not care _that their kid's going to die"?

Kurt was scrubbing the dishes a bit to roughly, but Jim said nothing about it. He felt the same anger Kurt was feeling and he didn't even particularly like Blaine.  
>No one deserved parents like that.<p>

"They found out he 'acted gay', even though they knew he was and they _kicked him out. _They kicked him out. I thought you summed it up by saying this situation was cruel yesterday, but it's even crueler now. Crueler isn't even a strong enough word. There isn't even a word to describe how _wrong _this is.  
>The universe is screwed up."<p>

At that, Kurt abandoned the unfinished dishes. Jim threw the towel over his shoulder to follow his boyfriend into the living room.

"You're allowed to rant, sweetie, don't think you have to hold back for me because it's about Blaine, you're allowed to be angry.  
>At his parents, his doctors, him, the world, you're allowed to be angry."<p>

Kurt looked from where he had sat himself down on the couch and the look on his face was rather unreadable.

"What did I do to deserve you"? He asked through his tears, "I'm sitting here, ranting about my ex whom you know I'll always have a soft spot for and you're telling me it's okay".

Jim sat himself next to Kurt on the couch, not scooting close, not pressing Kurt's head against his chest, but simply taking his hand and looking him deep in the eye.

"I allow it _because _I know it's Blaine, and because I know how much he means to you. That weak spot is from knowing each other so long, and being best friends for such a long time. Yes, he's your ex, but he's also your best friend who's going to die.  
>Besides, I trust you. I know you love me and that's enough for me. And you're not holding this back for me, if you weren't telling me, then I had to worry".<p>

Kurt whispered a soft 'thank you' and wiped his tears away with his free hand.

"As an answer to your question", Jim continued, "have you ever looked into a mirror"?

Kurt gave him a confused look.

"You asked me what you did to deserve me, well, you should see yourself. You're gorgeous. Genuineness glows from your eyes.  
>And you're sweet, kind, honest and passionate. You care about everything you do and you do everything you do with such a convincing passion, it should be illegal. That's what you did to deserve me, though I'm sure you deserve much better than me".<p>

"Better than you doesn't exist, you're the best".

"Well, that's good then, because you deserve the best".

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"So what are your plans now"?

Blaine looked better than last time Kurt had seen him, those three days ago, though he was still very pale and he had obviously lost some more weight.  
>They were having lunch in the college cafeteria.<p>

"I quit my job, obviously, because I just can't perform anymore. I took out all my savings and I'm just going to do stuff I've always wanted to do, I guess".

"When are you moving back"?

"Back to where"?

"Where your friends are, I guess".

"I'm not going back, Kurt, I never really made friends in college. I hardly ever spoken to Wes or David since High School and my family obviously doesn't want me. I'll be just fine on my own".

"You didn't make friends in college"?

"No, I was sort of a Rachel Berry, getting all the solos and main parts and stuff. They just weren't as nice to me as you guys were to Rachel, they kind if disliked me over there. And I didn't really like LA at all and they all still live there, I don't want to spend the rest of my time in a city I don't like."

Kurt sighed, maybe Blaine was still in denial, or maybe he really didn't see the consequences of what was going to happen to him.

"Your remaining time won't be all joy and happiness and fun, Blaine, you'll get more ill when time goes by until it will be too much to bear. You won't be just fine on your own, you need someone to take care of you".

"No I don't."

"Yes. You do."

Blaine sighed, took an angry bite off his salmon sandwich and then asked Kurt with a mouthful;

"What the hell d'you know bout it anyway"?

"I lost my mom to cancer, Blaine, that's what the _hell _I know about it".

.

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

_A/N: The song qoute at the top is 'Colorblind' by Counting Crows._

_This chapter was really hard to write, but I'm happy with the outcome. Maybe a bit short, but there's more to come soon, I promise!_


	3. Maybe I've Been Here Before

_**I used to live alone before I knew you**_

* * *

><p>Kurt was in for a surprise when he got to Jim's place after a long Wednesday of college.<br>The table was set, candles lit and he heard the sound of pots and pans from the kitchen.

He tried really hard to be grateful for the effort his boyfriend had done, but couldn't help notice something smelled burned.

Because Jim was good at a lot of things. Comforting Kurt, turning Kurt on, probably his job because he earned quite a lot of money, cleaning, singing, but there was one thing Jim was not good at, and that thing was cooking.  
>Jim and Blaine were kind of alike in that aspect.<p>

Jim had the strange talent to be able to let vegetables burn, and Kurt wouldn't be surprised if he found meatballs in a pan of boiling water upon walking into the kitchen.

"Hi baby", Kurt said, kissing Jim's cheek and took his place at the table.

"I cooked us dinner", Jim said, "because I have a surprise for you".

"So I figured".

Jim always only cooked on special occasions, most of the time some sort of surprise where he bought Kurt an amazing gift, or tickets to a Broadway show, or that one time when he was promoted head-something of something, or when Kurt passed an extraordinary difficult test.

"Dinner's almost ready".

No, it's not.

But of course Kurt did not say that part out loud.

"I'm sure it is".

"I made us Mac & Cheese".

Seriously, Kurt thought, what on earth could smell _burned _on Mac & Cheese?

He got his answer rather soon; Jim had somehow managed to let the macaroni dry-cook and Kurt kind of admired his talent of being such a lousy cook.

"So what's the surprise"?

"Do you remember how you hate living in dorms"?

Kurt's eyes widened, but he nodded nonetheless.

"And do you remember how I asked you to move in with me"?

Kurt was now positively looking puzzled, because he had already explained Jim hundreds of times…

"And how you said this place is way too small for two people to permanently live in"

Yeah, exactly that. That was exactly what he had told Jim hundreds of times.

"But that you practically live here anyway, and are only in your dorm when you have early classes, which you rarely have".

"I'm not moving in, Jim, I need a working space, and I can't hijack your desk since you need a place to grade papers and prepare lessons. It is way too small here, I'm in my dorm everyday designing because I have space there, and only come here when I'm finished. If I give up my dorm to move in with you I won't have that space".

Jim now positively beamed and Kurt got more and more confused by the second.

"That, my dear Kurt, is why I found us a bigger place".

Yeah, right, very funny indeed.

"You say that now, so you can go search for something if I say yes. Come back to me when you have some options".

"Well, actually we're in kind of a hurry, because I arranged a viewing tonight".

"Tonight?"

"Tonight."

"And we're in kind of a hurry? "

"Indeed, we are."

"Does that mean I don't have to eat this _burned _Max & Cheese you made me? "

* * *

><p>They actually just had to walk around the corner, to a somewhat bigger and better looking apartment building.<p>

There was a nice looking woman standing outside of the building, asking for Jim Pinter, and Jim shook her hand before introducing Kurt.

When they entered the apartment on the fifth floor of the building, Kurt already gasped at the sight of the long, very long hallway, with two doors on either side and a door right across them.

"The doors on your right are both bedrooms, or studies, or whatever you make of them. The first door on your left is the bathroom, which is also accessible through the master bedroom, which is the second door on your left."

"Three… thr… three bedrooms?" Kurt wasn't sure if his eyes had ever been wider.

"And that door?" He pointed to the door across the hallway.

"That door will lead you into the living, with open kitchen."

And before they knew it, Kurt stormed off into the living room. The house was empty except for a gorgeous hard wooden floor Jim was sure Kurt would fall for.

The next fifteen minutes were spent with Kurt running from room to room and Jim and the nice real estate lady covering their ears in protection of Kurt's shrieks.

Kurt ran from room to room, screaming things like 'oh my god', 'this is perfect', 'I love you' and 'the things I could do to this place'.

So when Kurt emerged from the bathroom with tear strained cheeks after a five minute silence, Jim was most positively confused.

"I really like it, Jim, but I'm pretty sure I can't afford my part of the rent, and you know we agreed we'd pay an equal amount".

"Rent?" the woman who showed them around asked, sounding surprised.

"This place isn't for rent, honey, it's for sale," She said, "how about I leave you two hear to discuss things and I'll hear from you tomorrow", she glanced at Jim, "just make sure to close the door properly behind you".

* * *

><p>"It's for <em>sale?"<em> Kurt finally managed to say after at least half an hour of silence, "I can't even afford to rent something, let alone _buy _it."

At this, Jim shot up from the place on the ground where he was sitting, rushing to Kurt to take his head between his hands and tell him exactly what he had been planning to tell Kurt.

"I want this place to be ours. All ours. You rarely have early classes, and even if you have to start at 8.30 you'd only have to leave here at 8, which isn't so bad.  
>I want to buy this place for us now, because it's available, it's awesome, it's right near a nice little park for the day we decide to have a kid and we'll already have enough bedrooms for that.<br>I want to buy us this place, but I want us to set up an arrangement in which you will pay me back a little bit each month so it will eventually be all ours. And I want to set up an arrangement in which I can't just put you out on your ass when something happens that'll have us breaking up.  
>I'm not expecting that, but I just want to be sure I can't screw you if we do.<br>I'm not buying this place if you're not moving in with me, because I want it to be ours from the start. I want you to decorate, because I'd do a lousy job. I don't want it to be mine where you join me after a while, I want it to be ours.  
>Do you know what I'm saying, Kurt? I want it to be ours."<p>

So, yeah, Jim was finished talking and Kurt's lips were on his. Partly because he was so grateful for everything Jim had just said, an partly because he didn't want to respond before getting Blaine out of his head.

Because he just had some sort of flashback to him and Blaine lying in Blaine's dorm room, all those years ago before they even broke up.

* * *

><p>"<em>I want to be with you forever. And when we are done with high school I want us to find a place together. I don't want a place where it's just me and you joining me after a while. I want it to be all ours."<em>

* * *

><p>"So?" Jim asked after Kurt broke the kiss.<p>

"Mr. Ikea Catalogue and I are going to have so much fun", he responded and that was all it took for Jim to start ravishing his boyfriend, attacking his lips with his tongue, asking for entrance which Kurt granted within moments.

Jim soon moved to start kissing Kurt's jaw, neck and finally suck his earlobe, which, together with the feeling of Jim's hard breathe in his ear, made Kurt's legs give way and had him as a puddle on the ground, Jim following obligingly.

"Kiss me", Kurt whispered, "my mouth, kiss me".

Not much later they were lying on the gorgeous hard wooden floor, Kurt on his back, Jim on top of him, kissing him senseless and slowly undoing the buttons of his shirt, Jim's shirt already tossed somewhere in a far away corner and his zip undone.

" I love you so much", Jim panted before he started kissing down Kurt's jaw, neck, to his nipples.

Jim paid some extra attention to Kurt's right nipple, sucking and biting, swirling his tongue over it. Kurt was positively squirming and begging for a mouth around his hardness right now, but Jim took his time working his mouth down Kurt's stomach, dipped his tongue in Kurt's bellybutton and kissed and licked Kurt's inner thighs, before cupping his balls with his hands and taking Kurt's cock in his mouth.

Kurt was immediately shuddering above Jim, panting and moaning out words like 'yes', 'please', 'more' and 'faster'.

Jim added pressure, bobbed his head up and down Kurt's dick, while sucking hard and letting his tongue slide down the underside of Kurt's cock.

He felt Kurt getting harder and harder, which made himself harder and harder too. While keeping one hand firmly on Kurt's hips, preventing Kurt from thrusting into his mouth, he moved his other hand to work his own swollen cock.

He pumped his own hand up and down, meeting the same pace he was using to work Kurt with his mouth.

Things were getting heated, Jim felt himself getting close and if Kurt's improving volume was any indication, he was getting closer to, until…

"Stop".

"Hmmm", Jim hummed, obviously not able to talk with his mouthful.

"STOP!" Kurt now pulled hard on Jim's hair, forcing him to release his mouth of Kurt.

"What the …"? But Kurt would not let him finish.

"We have to get back home."

"After we're finished, yeah," Jim said irritably.

"No, now, we can't get cum-stains on this gorgeous floor."

Oh, right, the gorgeous floor.

"I can't manage all the way home."

"Bathroom," was all Kurt replied, before getting up and making a head start.

* * *

><p>"Bathroom!" He screamed again, obviously already in there.<p>

When Jim reached the bathroom Kurt was already in the shower, pumping his cock and Jim jumped in with him, pressing himself close to Kurt and started kissing his mouth again, where Kurt could taste his pre-come.

There erections grinded together and it was enough for both of them to unhinge again.

Where Jim was more a 'hmm', 'grr', kind of moaner, Kurt usually used words, swearwords, and begs.

"Yeah, please faster, Blai…by."

And with one more groan and thrust against his pelvis he came hard and fast, his come being washed away by the hot running water.

He tightened his grip around Jim, letting him thrust up a few more times before he, too, was coming undone.

"I can't believe this is our house", Jim whispered in Kurt's ear, holding him close.

"Me neither", said Kurt, "but let's get our clothes and head home, because it isn't ours until we sign that deal."

* * *

><p><em>AN: Song qoute at the top is "Hallelujah" Origanally written by Leonard Cohen, sung by a bunch of awesome people, including Jeff Buckley.  
>I'd like to point out my chapter titles are different qoutes from the same songs I use at the top.<em>

_This was the very first time in my life I wrote actual smut rather then a simple 'and then they made love' sentence, so I hope it turned out well._


	4. What I Need is a Good Defense

_**So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know?**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>"We get the key in two weeks."<p>

_"That's good, kiddo, I'm happy for you", _Burt Hummel's voice sounded through the phone.

"_And you say it's right around the corner from where you live now?"_

"I don't live there, dad, it's right around the corner from where Jim lives."

"_Oh, admit it honey, you practically live there anyway."_

So his dad had put him on speakerphone, Kurt could play the same game.

"He sure does, Carole, he lives here anyway."

"_Just tell us if you need help moving stuff, we're only a plane flight away."_

"I think we're fine, but if we end up needing big, strong men to move our bed, we'll be sure to enlist yours and Finn's help, dad." Kurt laughed loudly.

"_Just be sure to invite us to your housewarming," _Carole put in with a 'let's end this conversation' tone, which was kind of understandable since it was 11.30pm.

"We'll think about it," Jim laughed, "goodnight my dearest in-laws."

"_Goodnight my dearest son-in-law," _Carole responded, and with a loud sigh from both Kurt and Burt they ended the call.

"You didn't mention it," Jim said quite sternly as Kurt got up, reaching out for Jim's hand so they could shower together.

"Mention what?"

"Blaine."

"What about Blaine?"

"That he's back in your life."

"No he's not."

"Yes, he is."

"He forgot my mom died of cancer, kind of proves what a lousy friend he is and why I broke it off with him back then."

Kurt jerked his hand away from reaching out and stormed into the bathroom all by himself.

Not much later Jim sighed, when he heard Kurt actually turn the lock.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

The next day was a long day for Kurt; he had two general classes, before he had a meeting with the graduation board where he was to show his concept for his final designing project.

Ever since Kurt started this school, he'd been dreading this particular day. He was in his final year of studies, within the year he'd officially be a qualified designer.

But, to get that far, he'd have to design some sort of graduation collection, like some people have to write a graduation dissertation, the students who studied Fashion Design had to develop their own clothing line and their task this year was to develop a summer collection for said clothing line.

So yeah, today was the day they'd tell him if he was allowed to start his clothing line or not, concerning how well they thought his concept and plan were.

His plan was good. He had to believe Jim before he went in there, only it was hard to believe Jim because he was really angry with Jim at the moment.

But Jim was a teacher, maybe not a design teacher, but he was a teacher like Mr. Schuester, not wanting to get anyone's hopes up if it were unlikely.

So Kurt decided that yes, Jim was right, his plan was good.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Whenever you are ready, Mr. Hummel, we're ready," a very formal looking woman asked him in a friendly tone, and Kurt pushed the button he had in his hand to start his presentation.

His heart was pounding out his chest; this was a stupid idea, borrowing Jim's strange Mac thingy so he could have this thing in his hand changing slides, instead of clicking the mouse.

Kurt was sure it wouldn't work, so sure it wouldn't work, so when it did he positively shrieked, making the people behind the desk laugh genuinely.

Kurt could only hope this didn't cost him any points, but when he saw the warm smiles on their faces he was reassured a great deal and started talking, first giving a short summing up of what was to come, before moving on to the actual presentation of his clothing line.

"I want to design stuff that people would want to wear on their last days on earth. It has to be so awesome, that people would say 'I want to be buried in that and wear it for eternity.' "

He pushed the button for the next slide, where the logo for his brand was displayed.

"My mom died when I was eight, and right before she died I made her a necklace. She was the one who inspired me to do this, because about that necklace she said 'I want to wear this for eternity'.  
>This is why I named my clothing line "Elizabeth Eternity", my mom's name and what I want to accomplish with my clothes, for it to be wearable always, into eternity."<p>

This was actually going quite okay and Kurt took a moment to appreciate the awesome logo he had designed, with the E on fire, 'Elizabeth' written to the right of that E and 'Eternity' written down from that E. When he appreciated it enough, he figured the judged must've had enough time to judge it as well, so he went onto the next slide.

"The Band Perry has this amazing song, to which my best friend wants to be buried."

Ouch, talking about Blaine hurt more than he expected and not because they weren't on speaking terms. Talking about Blaine's funeral just made him tear up in a way he hadn't expected, so he granted himself a few moments of breathing before continuing with a broken sounding voice.

"The Band Perry has a song named 'If I Die Young', to which my best friend wants to be buried. He will die within this year and probably sooner, since he's refusing chemo to extend his life.  
>The first lines of this song are 'If I die young, bury me in satin'. That is why, with inspiration from the Band Perry and as a tribute to my best friend Blaine Anderson, my collection for this project will be called 'Bury Me in Satin'."<p>

Kurt allowed himself to really look at the judges for a second, and saw that the woman who'd asked him to start was actually _tearing up with him._ He only hoped that was a good sign.

"Here is a photo of my mom and I, right before she died. As you see, she is wearing a necklace, which is the necklace I made her and the necklace I would like to inspire my collection with. The necklace isn't much, it was designed by an eight year old, but I still really like the colors and the triangular shape from some of the sequins, so I'd like to continue with that. To meet the name of my collection, satin will be used in some way, form or shape in every piece I will design."

And so Kurt spoke, not thinking twice about what he was saying, just telling these people he'd never ever seen before about his mom, about Blaine, and about how they inspired him.

He told him he was planning on designing two pieces per gender, for four different age groups.

The shapes and colors would match, but there'd be cocktail dresses, evening gowns, casual wear, and a killing end piece, which he hoped his best friend could show.

Because the piece that would his final piece, would also be the piece that he was designing especially for Blaine, only why he said that to these people was beyond him. He hadn't even told Jim.

Or Blaine, he hadn't even told Blaine, because Blaine and he weren't on speaking terms and now he was telling these strange people his ill best friend was going to wear his final piece in his graduation show.

That was just all kinds of crazy.

"So, as I told you, I would like to inspire my collection to a statement my mom made, right before she died, and the necklace I made her.  
>Also, I'd like to inspire my collection to my dying best friend, who directed me towards the most beautiful song.<br>I'll design two pieces for each gender, in the four age groups I have chosen and then I will design a final piece, dedicated to my best friend, whom will be showing it if he feel strong enough and is still around by that time.  
>Each piece will be inspired by either the colors, shapes or both, that are present in my mom's necklace and each piece will contain sating somewhere, thus the name of my collection 'Bury Me in Satin', the first summer collection of the brand 'Elizabeth Eternity'."<p>

Kurt concluded his story tearless, and very much positive he could be proud of himself.

"Thank you, Mr. Hummel, you can pack your stuff and head home. We will call you with the result tonight."

The woman said it with a very calm, very formal voice again, but Kurt couldn't help thinking back to where he was sure he saw her wipe away a single tear.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Maybe he was screwed for making this too personal, but to hell with it, he was going to design this collection whether for graduation or not.

"If I get green light tonight, I'll have to call Blaine."

Jim almost choked on his pasta, looking up with a mix of anger and astonishment.

"You were mad at me for bringing him up yesterday and now you're saying you need to call him?"

Kurt nodded.

"I might have said I'm designing my final piece for him and want him to be the one walking down the runway in it."

Jim nodded.

"That's actually a really nice thing to do, but I think you should call him before you get the call. He won't want you to call just because you _need _him in order to graduate, he wants you to call because _you _want to."

"Maybe you're right."

But they had no time to call Blaine before the result, Kurt's phone was already ringing.

Kurt first checked the number, before he realized thatr yes, it was the graduayion board and that yes, he'd find out if he was allowed to graduate within minutes, so he threw the phone to Jim and started jumping, screaming and almost pulling his hair out off his head.

But his boyfriend truly was his better half, and physically stronger, so he chased Kurt and forced him down on the couch, silencing his shrieks with a gentle kiss, before answering the call and holding the phone to Kurt's ear.

"_Hi Kurt", _Kurt heard the nice lady say after half a minute of freaking out.

"_Good that I catch you so soon, I have some news for you."_

But Kurt was unable to form any coherent response, so he panted a whispered 'what' in return.

"_Right, okay, we had a lot of discussions regarding your project. Some said it was too personal, too close to home and they were afraid you weren't able to pull through and maybe break down under the stress and emotion it would bring.  
>I however, am a great fan of emotional and close to home. It brings reality in there and I think nothing is as powerful as emotion and reality. I told them exactly that and therefore, we agreed you can start designing your graduation project."<em>

Kurt was still unable to really form any sentences, but a small thank you emerged from between his giant grin.

"_Congratulations Kurt, I'll leave you to it."_

And with a simple click of the phone, a huge burden found itself upon Kurt's shoulder. He'd have to tell Blaine he _needed _him. He'd have to tell Blaine, a very ill person, a person he wasn't on speaking terms with, that he _used _him and his illness for his graduation project.

He _used _Blaine.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Songqoute at the start is 'Criminal' by Fiona Apple.  
>Also, I promise, Blaine will be back next chapter!<em>

_Thank you all for all the story alerts and favorites, and I'd like to point out that reviews are appreciated very much =)._


	5. I'm Barely Hanging On

_**But you won't get to see the tears I cried, behind these hazel eyes**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>The next few days were spent making sketches, something Kurt had put off until he'd get the okay to start his project, so he was in kind of a hurry.<p>

Designing an entire collection in two months was just, well, something Kurt should've known to be impossible.

Luckily it was weekend and Jim had the perfect body to model for his male younger age fits.

Kurt had decided his four age groups would be children to ten years old, people in their twenties, middle aged people around 40/50 (his dad and Carole would do great on the runway) and elderly people.

The stress level was still high, whenever he thought of the deadline date, but when he was either sketching or going through fabric he'd already purchased he felt nothing but happy.

He was going to design his own collection for graduation and it was going to be awesome, he supported his own idea 500% and most important, Jim seemed to support it even more, and kept telling him how pretty everything looked.

Jim was definitely the best boyfriend on the face of the earth, without doubt.

"I've sketched every single look," Kurt said before proudly throwing his sketchbook in Jim's lap, on top of the papers Jim was trying to grade.

Jim, being the amazing boyfriend he is, immediately put aside his grading papers and looked through Kurt's sketchbook.

"I like this one."

When Kurt scooted closer to look and saw Jim point out a look he'd designed with his father in his head, the look that was inspired by that one picture of his mom and dad where his dad was trying to ruffle his mom's hair, his mom looking sternly at him, neither aware that someone was snapping a picture.

Kurt had always been impressed with the shirt his dad wore on that particular picture, thus reinventing a slightly modernized version of the shirt, combined with awesome trousers and a gorgeous belt, the buckle of the belt triangular-shaped, in a color from his mom's necklace.

"I like that one, too."

He scooted closer to Jim as Jim admired the rest of Kurt's sketches.

"I have the most talented boyfriend in the entire world," he said matter-of-factly, "but I wonder where his killing end piece is in this."

Kurt simply shrugged.

"Blaine won't return any of my calls. I'm not designing anything for anyone who refuses to speak to me.

"Maybe you should try and call him again, you were pretty harsh to him when you left him there in that cafeteria."

"Maybe," Kurt said, "but he needs to apologize for forgetting my mother."

"I don't think he forgot, Kurt, I think he was pretty consumed in his own decease, which he is allowed to be. It was wrong of you to say you weren't ever speaking to him again."

Kurt didn't know what happened, Jim was merely being honest, but somehow he lashed out at him.

"WHY ARE YOU SO EAGER ON ME KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH HIM? ARE YOU TESTING ME OR WHAT?"

Jim looked positively puzzled.

"I.. no.. it's.. he.."

"YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT KIND EVER SINCE I SAID HE WAS DYING. ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THAT OR SOMETHING? WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR ANGLE IN BEING SO NICE ABOUT HIM?"

"Wow, Kurt, that's not it at all. I just know you and I know if you never ever speak to him before he dies you'll blame yourself forever and that's not what I want. I don't feel like living with a miserable person for the rest of my life."

"You could just leave me if I'm that much of a burden," Kurt snapped in response.

"Never. I could never leave you, and you'll never be a burden. I just hate to think what it would do to you."

With a simple kiss on his cheek Jim went into the bathroom and left Kurt with his thoughts.

Kurt's very confused thoughts, that was, because once again Jim was right, but he didn't want Jim to be right.

So maybe, just maybe, he'd been in the wrong with leaving Blaine there, but it had really hurt when Blaine had seemingly forgot about his mom.

.

* * *

><p><em>Blaine Anderson speaking. I am currently unavailable, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible, thank you.<em>

_Blaine, it's me again. Kurt. I'm sorry about what I said, please call me back as soon as you get the chance. I hope you're well._

* * *

><p>.<p>

Blaine grumbled from hearing Kurt's voice for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, the boy simple wouldn't stop calling and apparently could not take a hint.

And he seemed to keep so calm and reserved, always playing as if he was absolutely positive Blaine actually wasn't able to answer the phone, as if he actually believed Blaine was occupied in any other way.

If he had actually _listened _to Blaine, he would've known Blaine wasn't.

Because Blaine had made close to no friends at UCLA, he was barely in touch with Wes and David anymore and his parents had told him they'd be happy the day he died.

So no, he had nothing else to do than to play Kurt's voicemail pleads on repeat, getting angrier with every time he listened to them.

No, he had nothing else to do than sing along to the CD the Warblers once recorded in their glory days.

He had nothing else to do than cry every time the player hit 'Blackbird', Kurt's voice filling the room and filling his heart as if it was healed.

And then 'Blackbird' would end and his chest would ache again, though not due to his lung cancer, but due to the hole he felt where his best friend used to be.

Because Blaine knew he'd lost Kurt forever, and it was his own fault. Partly Kurt's, but mostly his own stupid fucking fault.

Yeah, Kurt was a stupid son of a bitch who didn't seem to remember Blaine had no fucking friends in this place, but he himself _forgot about Elizabeth._

How on earth could he have forgotten about her, when Kurt had told him so much about his mom?

Blaine had met Kurt when Carole was already practically his stepmom and Finn was most certainly a brother-figure to him.

Blaine remembered being utterly confused when Kurt said his dad was getting remarried and feeling utterly stupid when Kurt explained to him Carole wasn't his mom, because Blaine had just assumed that and as from that moment Blaine promised himself to never assume anything anymore.

Because Kurt had once introduced Blaine to his mom, three days after he'd told Kurt he loved him and Kurt so hesitantly said he loved Blaine too.

Blaine knew it meant more to Kurt to let him meet his mom at her grave, than to tell Blaine he loved him. Meeting Kurt's mom was the ultimate sign of love.

So yeah, he knew he had lost his best friend forever when he so inconveniently asked Kurt what the hell he knew about cancer, because that was exactly what Kurt knew about cancer.

Cancer was hell.

And Blaine thought, maybe someone would try to get in touch with him. Maybe David wondered how he was, David asked him how he was every once in a while.

Or maybe Wes had send another one of those emails where he promoted his new film, so maybe if either Wes or David had done that it wouldn't be so weird to email them, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

So Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes, turned the volume of the Warblers' album down (really, Candles wasn't the best song to listen to at this point) and opened his mail.

.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Blaine,<em>

_Last time when we weren't on speaking terms and you sent me an email I responded right away. I can only hope you will do the same to this email._

_I really miss you Blaine, and I really, really want to see you. I'm sorry about everything I said, and I didn't mean I never wanted to speak to you again._

_I was a little overwhelmed with the fact you seemed to have forgotten about my mom, but of course you haven't. I get that you are caught up in your own pain and that you have to come to terms with everything that's coming your way and I want to help you with that._

_I promise you Blaine, I know this fucking disease and I know you are going to need all the help you can get, so please, I beg you, for your own sake don't cut me out of your life._

_Yours truly,_

_Kurt_

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt hit send with a strange feeling in his stomach. It wasn't really a déjà vu, but it was as if he knew what was going to happen next.

Because nothing was going to happen next.

He'd tried calling Blaine about a few thousand times now, and he had returned none of the calls. He'd tried texting him, but no response, so his last resort was this email, in which he practically begged Blaine to respond.

No, not practically, literally, he literally begged Blaine for a response.

And he was right, none came.

"I'm worried," he confided in Jim three weeks after he sent the email.

"I know you are, you've been biting your nails," Jim said, putting the newspaper he was reading down.

"I'm sure you're going to be fine, your sketches are awesome and you are an excellent sewer. You'll graduate top of your class, trust me."

"Blaine hasn't responded to any of my calls or mails, even the ones I apologized in."

At this, Jim looked positively alarmed.

Now Kurt worried even more.

"Do… do you think he's _dead?"_

But Kurt's whispered question was luckily answered with a 'no'.

"If he were dead someone would've called you I'm sure."

And now tears welled in Kurt's eyes, because what if no one had found him yet? What if no one was missing him, he had no obligations after all and he told Kurt he had no friends here.

"He says he has no friends here, and his parents' pretend he's dead already. What if I wasn't called because no one's _missing _him? What if he's been dead for days and is just lying there in his apartment?"

"I'm sure he's not dead, honey, they said he still had a year…"

"If he had chemo, which he hadn't, I don't know how long he had without, probably not long."

Jim nodded.

"Maybe we should go see him."

"I don't know where he lives."

Again, Jim nodded.

"Can you contact any of his friends?"

Kurt thought deeply, when he decided that no, he probably couldn't.

"I only know Wes and David and Blaine said he hardly ever speaks to them anymore."

"Right," Jim replied grabbing Kurt's cell phone, "hardly is not never."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Hi, Wes, it's Kurt."

"_Hi Kurt," _Wes's voice sounded anxious, almost as if he wasn't sure he should speak to Kurt.

"Listen, I'm sorry to just call you out of the blue, but I need to know if you've spoken to Blaine lately."

"_Yes, I have, and so has David. I spoke to him three days ago, why?"_

"Well, I was kind of wondering if maybe he told you where he lives. I'd like to visit him."

"_He kind of told us not to tell you anything if you called."_

Kurt sighed, "I figured as much, what has he told you?"

"_He's told us that you and him both are pretty much sons of bitches, which I won't argue given the past, and that it would be best for you to let go and that he's giving you that space."_

"So he hasn't said anything about his condition?"

"_No."_

"Did he sound ill at all."

"_His voice was a bit hoarse, as if he was having a really bad cold, I figured it was from the crying. And he was breathing heavily as well, also from the crying I guess."_

Kurt sighed and said nothing, so Wes had time to process Kurt's actual question.

"_Why would you ask that Kurt, is something wrong."_

"It's not my story to tell, Wes, I'm sorry. Just, do you know where he lives so I can visit him and check if he's okay?"

"_He specifically told me to not tell you anything, I don't see why I would."_

"For god's sake he's _dying _okay, that's why his voice was hoarse and his breathing heavy. He's got lung cancer and he's told me two and a half months ago that he only had a few months to live. He's been ignoring me for the past five weeks of them. If you say his breathing was heavy and his voice hoarse, I'm worried, Wes, please tell me where he lives."

"_Right oh, give me a sec, I wrote it down somewhere."_

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

Jim knocked on a shabby looking door, in a shabby looking apartment building.

"Blaine?" He asked, to no response.

In the meantime, Kurt was pacing the hall behind him worriedly, looking around as if he was looking for something.

"Blaine?" Jim's voice sounded again, followed by some louder knocks on the door.

"Blaine, if you're not answering this door within 30 seconds I'm going to kick down your door."

Still no answer.

Jim took a few steps back, apparently getting ready to kick down the door, when Kurt stopped him.

"Move that pot plant beside the neighbor's door."

When Jim did exactly so, Kurt fished a key from the ground there.

"So predictable", he laughed silently, he always forgets his keys."

"Yeah", Jim snapped, "nice little memory, now let's go inside and see what's going on."

But nothing prepared either Jim or Kurt for what they were about to find inside.

Kurt immediately recognized his own voice in 'Animal', which was blasting loudly from the speakers on either side of him.

Blaine apparently lived in a small one room apartment, bed also being used a couch, TV in front of it.

Kurt and Jim both started coughing the minute they walked through the door, the room was being clouded with cigarette smoke.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked carefully, not wanting to scare the boy sleeping in the far away corner from the door.

But Blaine did not even do as much as stir, so Kurt kneeled beside him.

"Blaine?"

Still nothing, Kurt started to panic now.

"Blaine!" Kurt almost screamed, shaking the boy by his shoulders.

"BLAINE WAKE UP."

Tears were streaming down Kurt's face and a sob escaped his throat when Blaine's eyes shot open and looked up at Kurt with definite panic in them.

The eyes were hazel like Kurt likes them best, but empty and bloodshot.

"Kurt?"

Blaine whispered, sounding as scared as Kurt had ever heard him and Kurt immediately pulled him close.

"I'm here, Blaine, I'm here."

"It hurts, Kurt, so bad." Blaine said before falling unconscious again.

"He's breathing very shallow," Jim said, who had kneeled down next to Kurt, "and that he's falling unconscious isn't really a good sign either. I think we should take him to a hospital."

"Yeah," Kurt whispered, rocking Blaine back and forth absentmindedly, "yeah I think we should."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song qoute at the beginning is 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' by Kelly Clarkson.  
>So yeah, Blaine's back.<em>

Reviews are very much appreciated, so if you have any thoughts on the story, good or bad, please leave one!


	6. There's No Way We're Gonna Give Up

_**Is there anyone out there? 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>"Just you sit in the backseat with him." Jim urged Kurt after laying an unconscious Blaine in the back of his car.<p>

"Try to wake him and make absolutely sure he keeps breathing."

Kurt simply nodded, and crawled in the back next to Blaine. Blaine opened his eyes again, and when he saw Kurt he scooted closer to him.

"You're here, Kurt, you're not going away, are you?"

"No, I'm not. I'm here and I'm going to make sure you'll feel better."

"Good, we haven't had sex in ages." Blaine closed his eyes again.

"No! No, Blaine, you have to stay with me, okay?"

"But I always close my eyes when you're giving me a blowjob. You always give me blowjobs to make me feel better."

Jim coughed loudly in the driver seat, speeding up just a little more, obviously uncomfortable.

"I'm not doing that Blaine, I just need you to stay awake."

"Okay," his voice sounded soft and Kurt could feel Blaine getting heavier in the arm he'd just put around him.

"Talk to me, Blaine, tell me about UCLA."

Right, why did Kurt ask that? He knew Blaine had had a horrible time at UCLA. It's just.. He had to have Blaine remind something that was _after _they broke up, since apparently he thought they were still so close Kurt would suck him off.

"Oh, it was wonderful. Everybody hated me because I was the best. I was the _best."_

Kurt looked up at the rearview mirror, where he saw Jim's eyes pierce through his own.

"Blaine, you seem very disorientated. Did you take anything, sleeping pills maybe?"

"Nope. Just nicotine. Lots and lots of nicotine."

Yeah, Kurt and Jim had noticed that, only Kurt had other things to worry about because Blaine was slipping into unconsciousness again.

"Blaine, do you remember that day we went to the beach?"

The smile that crept onto Blaine's lips had Kurt convinced he indeed did remember that day they went to the beach.

"Your shoes were _ruined," _he whispered_, "_you looked so freakishly adorable when you found out the tide was coming in just three seconds too late."

And so that's what Kurt did the entire ride to the hospital, Blaine relived the ruined shoes, ruined hair, ruined coats, ruined jeans.

After the ride Kurt realized, he complained about ruined stuff _a lot._

But now he had no time to complain about his ruined shirt, tregging, or boots (which they all were) because Blaine vomiting all over them was most certainly _not _a good sign. A very bad sign indeed.

So when Jim parked the car, Kurt merely lifted Blaine and ignored the disgusting smell that covered him, whispering comforting little nothings in Blaine's ear.

"I'm here, it's okay, I'm here baby."

And though he realized he'd just called Blaine 'baby', he did not stop dead in his tracks. No matter how much he wanted, because Jim was his one and only baby, he simply could not waste any time.

Blaine was now one hundred percent unconscious and his breathing was getting heavier and more irregular by the second.

"Someone help me please," Kurt all but shouted through the waiting area, and luckily his vomited upon appearance and an unconscious boy in his arms drew the attention of some attending.

She led Kurt to a bed, Jim following closely, so he could lay Blaine down and she immediately checked on him, asking some very young looking doctor to make sure he got some extra oxygen.

"Can you please tell me what happened?" She asked, after taking Kurt a few feet away from the bed.

"We found him almost unconscious in his apartment, surrounded by smoke. He seemed very disorientated, as if he was living five years in the past.  
>His breathing was also very heavy and irregular, so we thought it best to bring him here."<p>

"You did good," the doctor reassured kindly, "is there anything else we need to know?"

"Yeah, he's got cancer. Lung cancer and he's dying."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

The next hour or so was spent with Kurt pacing the waiting room, Jim sitting on a chair and eyeing him to be sure he wouldn't pass out from the stress.

Neither of them said anything, neither really _needed _to say anything, because all they were doing was hoping, _praying _even, that Blaine would get out if this hospital alive.

And honestly, Kurt doubted that was the case. Because his breathing had really been very shallow, very heavy and his voice was even hoarse while whispering.

But Blaine had to get out of this, and not because of Kurt's collection, but because he couldn't die in a hospital bed after having just left a crappy, stinking apartment.

No, Blaine deserved to die a little more graceful and at peace.

Everything in Blaine's apartment had screamed desperation, depression, angst.

The room had been clouded with smoke, the music was loud, it was an utter mess and it smelled like no one had cleaned for ages.

No one should live under such circumstances, let alone Blaine, Blaine deserved the very, very best.

And just as Kurt started to really blame himself, because _he _had been the one to break off contact again, a doctor walked in and asked for Wes Tsing.

Jim didn't respond in the slightest, but Kurt looked as if someone had just run over him.

"Is any of you two Wes Tsing?" The doctor looked between the two of them hopefully, but as she saw Jim wasn't in the slightest affected, didn't even notice her, and Kurt seemed about to faint, she came to her own conclusion neither of them were.

"Why don't you come sit down with me," the doctor said and let Kurt to sit down next to Jim, who shot awake out of some daydream.

"Blaine is sleeping now and we're planning on keeping it that way until a decision is made about what we have to do further."

Kurt nodded.

"But why are you asking for his old high school friend?"

"Right," the doctor started, "we found out Wes Tsing is his next of kin. That's what we need him for."

Kurt's eyes shot wide, he hardly ever spoke to Wes so why on earth would he make Wes his next of kin

"Wait," Jim said in a 'I don't get it' sort of voice, "isn't Wes the guy you called yesterday to ask for his address"?

"Yeah."

"And he said he'd spoken to Blaine three days before, but didn't know Blaine had cancer?"

"That's about right."

"Wow," Jim exhaled, "he really doesn't have anybody."

The doctor witnessed the scene with no sign of surprise in her eyes. She was either very good at not judging, or they really did see stuff like this happening every day.

"Well, is there any way you can contact Wes? We need to discuss Blaine's options and unless any of you is blood related, we're not allowed to talk to you about his condition."

Kurt went to protest, but Jim grabbed his hand and told the doctor he understood.

"We'll make sure to get in touch with Wes."

"You call," Kurt said as soon as the doctor left, "you call, I don't feel too well."

And with thrusting his phone in Jim's hand, he headed for the bathroom.

Because Wes was Blaine's next of kin, Wes, whom he hardly ever spoke to. Whom he hadn't spoken to in over three years actually, Wes had told Kurt.

And Kurt felt as if he had been run over by a bus, or a train, or maybe even as if a plane had fell out of the air right where he'd been standing, or whatever.

All he knew was it hurt, everything hurt and the truth had hit him like a train.

Blaine had _nobody _and Kurt didn't know why, but it hurt him and he felt guiltier than ever before in his life.

Blaine was laying unconscious in a hospital bed, Kurt had to _bring _him there and maybe if he had been a second later he would have been dead.

Only more important, if he'd been only a day earlier he might have not been unconscious at all, he might've not needed surgery if Kurt hadn't been such an ignorant ass.

And it also hit him that Blaine was going to die, he only had so much time with Blaine left and he had ruined a better part of it, because of _nothing. _

Because he was a whiny little bitch he spoiled everything by throwing away those weeks not spending with Blaine.

Hell, he'd spent years without Blaine and they were all such a waste of time, because he could've spend them enjoying each other.

To hell with worrying about college, to hell with the future, there was only Blaine and maybe now there wasn't.

Then Kurt reached the bathroom and he couldn't _breathe. _He couldn't _breathe _and everything hurt in longing for Blaine.

Blaine's smile and Blaine's hands, Blaine softly playing the guitar and Blaine kissing the tears and the hurt away.

And he wasn't even sure if he wanted Blaine in _that _particular way, because they'd been best friends long after breaking up and between the rapid breathing and the hurt in his chest and thumping in his head he couldn't _feel _what he really felt.

But he longed for Blaine pressed close to him, to tell Blaine it would all be better, and he longed for air.

Blaine was air.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Baby?" Jim's head poked around the door, but his body soon followed to kneel beside his sobbing, hyperventilating boyfriend.

"Kurt, honey, you need to breathe for me. In and out, in and out, there's not much to it."

But Jim was wrong, there was very much to breathing, it was difficult and it hurt and Kurt just _couldn't._

"Stay here baby; I'll go get a paper bag."

And Kurt wasn't sure why Jim told him to stay there, because he couldn't move. Even though he wanted to, he couldn't.

Everything ached and he actually saw little stars in front of him, and the noise of the fan started to fade, his ears started to thump, and his vision changed into tunnel vision, eyes fixed on the door in hope for Jim to come through it.

Or maybe Blaine.

It was the former, clutching a paper bag in his hand and rushing back to Kurt again.

"No, you're not passing out on me, Kurt," he said covering Kurt's mouth with the paper bag, "here, breathe in this, it'll get better."

The stars soon disappeared and the noise of the fan started to get louder and louder again, Kurt's breathing evened out again.

With all this, and a good ten minutes of catching his breath emotionally as well, Kurt was finally able to think straight.

"I love you," he said, nuzzling into the crook of Jim's neck, "I love you so much for being so understanding."

Jim merely nodded.

"I spoke to Wes. He's in New York promoting a film and he should be here within the next half hour. He was kind of surprised to hear about this, but he was very willing to come."

A slight smile couldn't help but appear on Kurt's face.

"Wes was never one to ignore duties. I hope he doesn't bring the gavel."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song qoute at the beginning is 'Harder To Breathe' by Maroon5  
><em>_So I'm sorry for all the angst and drama for now, but honestly, I'm quite content with the way it turned out. _

_Reviews and thoughts are lovely, so please be my guest!_


	7. I Can Be What You Need

_**You're not going anywhere**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>When Wes arrived about twenty minutes later, Kurt was back in the waiting room breathing regular and eyeing Jim, who was acting rather peculiar.<p>

"Kurt?" Wes asked, looking at him hopefully and when Kurt responded Wes let out a relieved sigh.

"God, you've changed."

Kurt chuckled a bit.

"Funny," he said, "Blaine said I hadn't."

And Wes, dutiful as he was, came to business.

"Yeah, about Blaine, can you tell me what on earth is happening? I haven't seen him since high school, haven't spoken to him in three years and now I get to speak to him and you in one week and then find out I'm his next of kin. I'm officially confused."

"You're allowed to be," Jim said from behind them en gestured to the chairs next to him, as to ask them to sit down.

And so they explained the situation to Wes, how Blaine somehow had managed to cut all his high school friends off, without any real reason, but just because that's what happens if you don't go to the same school anymore.

How he had managed to piss Kurt off so much that he cut Kurt out of his life after having been best friends for years, and how he had come back in Kurt's life two months ago with the announcement that he was going to die.

Wes asked them if Blaine had made no friends at all at UCLA, or if he had made no friends here in New York, didn't his colleagues care for him enough to at least ask how he was doing?

And that, Kurt had to admit, was something he still had to ask Blaine. He knew Blaine had sort of lost touch with his high school friends, but many people did. He knew Blaine never fitted in at UCLA because he was favored. He didn't really understand why, he was favored at Dalton as well, but fitted in perfectly.

Maybe the enforced anti-bullying program really did help; maybe Kurt hadn't been the only one at Dalton who envied Blaine for all his solos, only they couldn't show because of the program.

But absolutely _no friends _was just weird, because Blaine was a likable guy. Kurt was absolutely sure Blaine was not a bragger about his solos or lead roles.

And then there were his parents, who were just the meanest people to have ever lived the face of the earth and Kurt was sure there should be some kind of law against that sort of people.

An awkward silence followed their conversation, Wes and Kurt had not spoken to each other since senior year, where they'd occasionally seen each other, but they'd never really been friends and now they were in a waiting room in a hospital, years later.

It was plain awkward, until the doctor walked in.

"You must be Wes Tsing, I'm Mr. Anderson's cardio-thoracic surgeon" She said kindly, before asking him to join her to a more private place.

"Can they join us?" he gestured to Kurt and Jim. The doctor hesitated for a moment, but then nodded ever the slightest, to Kurt's great relieve.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Mr. Anderson is sleeping at the moment and we are planning on keeping it that way. We were worried about the vomiting and disoriented state he was in at first, but it seems that was merely from too much alcohol.  
>The heavy breathing, however, was not from the alcohol. We've run some extra tests, a scan and we found out the tumor Mr. Anderson has in his lung has grown much faster than we first anticipated. We're keeping him unconscious at the moment because he was having too much trouble breathing and we had to intubate him, at this moment we cannot wake him up because he won't get enough air and he will fight the intubation.<br>If he'd been here any minute later, he'd have died, he's very lucky you brought him here."

Kurt wasn't sure how he felt about that. Or anything, for that matter, he didn't really know what the doctor was saying.

"What I'm saying is, Mr. Anderson has options, only we cannot wake him to ask him which he prefers. That's where you come in," she gestured at Wes, "as the next of kin."

Wes nodded slightly.

"What would those options be?" he asked formally.

"Right. Mr. Anderson has a big tumor in his lung. We cannot remove the tumor entirely, it's too intertwined with blood vessels and too close to his heart, if we were to do that he'd bleed to death.

We can however, remove his tumor partly. That way it'll be easier for him to breathe, it will give him a few more months. Of course there are risks to every surgery, the most important risk that he catches a cold or flu right after the surgery, which would be catastrophic.  
>He'll have to stay in an isolated room for three weeks, but after that he should have a few good months ahead of him."<p>

"Then do that." Wes said it as if he was insulted, as if she was absolutely out of line even suggestion it was an option to _not _do so.

"Well, there are a lot of things we have to consider here, Mr. Tsing," she continued as if she hadn't been interrupted, "for one, he'll have to have a great support system. He'll need taking care of the first month after the surgery."

"We'll figure something out."

Yeah, Kurt thought, easy for Wes to say. He lives all the way across the country in fucking LA.

"Then, we're afraid of the condition Mr. Anderson is in. His toxic rapport showed that he had consumed _a lot _of alcohol; he was close to alcohol poisoning. It also seems like he has been smoking, which he hasn't been before.  
>These things, combined with the news he got a few weeks back, show us that he is having a severe depression. We have to be sure that he won't fall back in this depression after the surgery."<p>

"He won't."

Now it was Jim talking, how could Jim know this?

"Blaine was probably in this depression because he felt he had no friends. Some stuff has happened which made Kurt here break off contact, but we got worried so we went looking for him.  
>Blaine did not make many friends at school and was in his job too short to have people actually start caring.<br>But Kurt cares, and Wes cares. I don't know him very well, but if Kurt loves him, I'm sure I'll love him. Between the three of us, we'll figure something out."

"Okay, I'll leave you three to it to discuss things and I'll get an answer from Mr. Tsing when you guys are ready.  
>I just want to point out again that he needs a <em>really strong <em>support system. Once he's had this surgery you can't bail on him, not matter how valid the reason."

She eyed Kurt for a moment extra, before leaving the room to let the three boys discuss the situation.

"I can stay in New York for as long as I like," Wes started, "I'm here promoting my latest film now, after that I'm free. I haven't seen anything interesting out there yet and I'm sure a year off wouldn't hurt my career."

"Don't you need the money, though?" Kurt asked, but to this Jim snorted.

"You never told me it was thé Wes Tsing we were calling," he explained, "really, you should start watching something different than Breakfast at Tiffany's and Singing in the Rain. He's a great Hollywood star, I'm sure he has money."

Wes nodded; he had money enough to take a year off.

"And he can move in with us," Jim said matter-of-factly, "you don't have classes anymore and are home all the time designing, I have summer holiday coming up. We'll be able to take care of him that first month."

"But…", Kurt started, not sure what had gotten into his boyfriend, "we're _moving, _our place if packed full of boxes."

"He'll be in the hospital for a few weeks, we'll set the guest room up for him and I'm sure we'll be all settled once he moves in."

"Okay," Wes said, standing up, "I'll stay in New York for the time being, he'll move in with you guys and I'll come around as often as possible to help you carry the burden."

Kurt wanted to protest again, but Jim agreed and Wes was out the door and trying to find the doctor before Kurt could actually process what had just happened.

Or okay, maybe he could process this.

Jim and Wes had just decided that he would be taking care of Blaine. Not Jim, who had to work another two weeks before summer holiday, not Wes who was his next of kin, but Kurt who had a fucking _collection to finish._

And yeah, it was Blaine and Blaine needed to live for a while, he couldn't die all alone and miserable, so he agreed with the decisions that were made, but it would've been nice to have actually been _included _in said decisions.

Now someone who'd never even seen Blaine before today and Wes who hadn't seen Blaine in years made a decision regarding Blaine's _life._

They made the right decision, but _they _made it.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Kurt asked later, as he and Jim were in the car on their way to Blaine's apartment.

"You haven't said anything to _me _since you said I'm ´at home designing all the time'.

Jim sighed, but still didn't say anything.

"Jim, talk to me, please," Kurt really disliked a non-talkative Jim, he didn't know that about him. They always talked about everything.

"Come on, baby, you know you can say whatever. Two singers complementing each other in a good duet, remember, we're them."

Or maybe they weren't them, because something was really off about Jim and Kurt simply couldn't place his finger on what it was.

And just as Kurt reached out to turn on the radio, the silence was really getting to him, Jim put his hand on Kurt's wrist to stop him and spoke

"I'm upset you called him baby and I think you overreacted when you were hyperventilating."

Oh. Okay. Wow. Not at all expected.

"And I know you guys have been together for a while and were best friends long after, but to hear you talking about how with your first kiss you ruined your _pants _from 'arriving to early', not really the nicest thing to hear."

Kurt tried, he really tried, but he couldn't for a coherent response.

"I.. It's.. Jim.."

"And you called him _Baby, _Kurt. He may've been living five years in the past and wanting a blowjob from you, which I don't blame him because you're awesome at them, but you called him _baby."_

"Sorry."

Kurt just didn't know what else to say. He knew it wasn't enough, and he was somehow glad that Jim finally let out something because he had been so extremely understanding and Kurt knew he must've felt _something _about it.

Jim was human, and finally it showed.

"And then you started hyperventilating when you found out Wes was his next of kin. As if you wanted to be it, and that stung. It stung me that you wanted to be his next of kin so badly, because it made me feel as if you'd rather be with him than me."

Yeah, Jim had a point. If you looked at it that way, maybe then it made a lot of sense Jim wasn't all that pleased with him.

"But that's not why I freaked out though," Kurt answered after a good five minutes of silence.

"I freaked out because he rather made Wes his next of kin, whom he hadn't seen in years, than me. At that moment the reality hit me like a train. I realized I had _failed _him and that hurt so bad I couldn't breathe."

Jim nodded, as if to say 'I understand'.

"And I'm sorry I made you hear all those stories about how at some point either he or I ruined my clothes. I'm sorry you had to hear that, but it seemed that funny anecdotes kept him aware."

Again, Jim nodded, now parking the car in a sport right in front of Blaine's building.

"And I'm sorry I called him baby. He was just clinging on to me in such panic, I had to reassure him and me calling him baby always made him relax. He was living in the past time and I thought he would only relax if he thought I was too.

I'm sorry, you're my only baby. I'm sorry."

Jim smiled at him.

"I guess I'll pack my things tonight, and go apply for a new dorm."

But Jim shook his head and put both his hands on Kurt's cheeks strongly.

"You're staying with me, dumbass," he chuckled, "that I'm upset with you doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. Didn't I agree that he could move in with us?"

Now it was Kurt's turn to chuckle.

"Actually, you didn't agree, you decided without even consulting me."

"I know you," was all Jim answered, before he placed a soft kiss on Kurt's lips.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"What should we get for him?" Kurt asked, retrieving the key from his pocket and turning the lock of Blaine's door.

"I guess pajamas, maybe some books, his toothbrush I guess, or his own pil….."

But Jim couldn't finish the 'low', because Kurt was screaming, shrieking more, and ran right back out the door, knocking Jim over on his way, both of them landing on their backs on the creaky floor.

"Cockroach,' Kurt now shrieked clearly understandable, crawling further back away from the open door.

And then Jim saw it too, and it was indeed a filthy little cockroach.

"You see," he stated simply, "there's no way a person with lung cancer should _live _in here."

Kurt wasn't going in there anymore. He'd come a far way since he moved to New York, really, he could handle having dark grooves in the shower, he could handle mice, he could even handle Jim's kitchen, where the tiles didn't match, but cockroaches were a thing he simply could not handle and he was allowed.

So fifteen minutes later Jim came outside again, with a bag full of clothes, books, a filthy but adorable stuffed animal and a pillow clutched under his arm.

"This is all he'll need for the hospital," he said, "and all the clean stuff I could find. I'll go back somewhere this week to retrieve the rest of his stuff, when he's better we'll make him quit his lease. No way is he coming back here ever again."

Jim threw Kurt the car keys and so Kurt drove them back to the hospital.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

About five hours later Kurt was sitting at Blaine's bedside, Wes standing in a far corner of the room and Jim at home, he promised to make sure there was something to eat once they got back, Wes would stay the night and try and find an apartment in the morning.

The suit Kurt had to wear was uncomfortable, but necessary because Blaine couldn't catch any bacteria or viruses Kurt might be carrying.

It had been half an hour since they were allowed in the room and Blaine hadn't as much as stirred. Kurt held his hand tightly, rocking back and forth in his chair slightly, as if he needed to pee real badly.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up," he kept muttering under his breath and Wes sometimes turned to him with an irritated look, Wes's suit making an annoying creaking sound as he did so, but Kurt didn't care.

Blaine had always liked waking up to Kurt's voice, so Kurt continued.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up."

"Shut up."

The slightest of smiles appeared on Blaine's face, just the same as when Kurt had asked him about the shoes.

Then he opened his eyes, which immediately shot to Kurt and the smile widened, although he looked as if smiling hurt.

"So I didn't die?" He asked hopefully.

"No you didn't," Kurt smiled and squeezed the hand he was holding softly.

"Weird," Blaine whispered, "I thought I was in heaven, always wanted to see you dressed up as an astronaut."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Vulnerable' by Secondhand Serenade_

_Sorry for the long wait, but you see? I made up with a looong chapter!  
><em>


	8. If You're Cold and You're Lonely

_**Live in my house, I'll be your shelter**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Blaine was strong.<p>

He was getting better by the day and instead of the three weeks they had initially planned for him to stay in an isolated room; he was let out after a small two weeks.

Blaine was stubborn.

Kurt too.

So they were fighting, yet again.

"I never asked for your fucking charity, thank you very much, I'll move back into my own apartment when I get out of here."

"You can't move into your own apartment because we've had this discussion before and you already signed the end of your lease."

"I'll take it back."

"That was a week ago, we live in New York, I'm sure your landlord found someone else already."

Blaine sighed, he never asked for any of this. He had been very clear when he had said no chemo, it was because he was dying anyway and he wanted to die a natural death, and now here he was recovering from surgery he'd never asked for.

Yeah, he had made Wes his next of kin because he thought Wes would make the right decision, but Wes hadn't.

And it wasn't that he was actually _happy _about dying, it was just that he didn't see a point in extending someone's life if it was going to be miserable anyway.

"I don't even know this _Jim _guy and I don't trust him."

"Jim's just fine and you'll be fine with him."

Kurt sighed, Blaine was stubborn, but two could play that game. They'd had this conversation numerous of times since Blaine woke up and he already knew that Blaine would get exhausted in the end and would agree. He did not see coming what was about to come though, and frankly, neither did Blaine.

"I want chemo."

"What?" Kurt flew up, he was happy to hear it, he wanted Blaine to extend his life for as long as possible, but Blaine had been so very clear before all this that he _didn't _want it.

"What made you change your mind?" Kurt asked, but could tell by the look on Blaine's face that he already regretted saying it.

"You guys screwed up enough by letting me have this surgery, so why not extend it just that tad bit longer?"

Okay, that wasn't entirely the reason but it was a reason.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

And Blaine did not understand himself at all anymore, not now he was sober and could think straight. Before Kurt had broke off contact again, he had been so sure about how he wanted the rest of his time to be, he wanted to spend it doing things he loved and doing things he'd never done before. He didn't want to spend it hanging over either a toilet or some sort of bucket that was beside his bed, vomiting in it.

He didn't want to spend it with his hair falling out, because he loved his curls and so did the rest of the world, his curls always got the attention he wanted.

And he most definitely did not want to spend it living in his ex's house, with his ex's new boyfriend there while they had just moved in to the new place.

He was invading what was supposed to be theirs and he didn't want to be that guy, that guy who came in and screwed up the honeymoon stages.

But that now he was that guy, because he could argue Kurt as much as he liked, Kurt was right, he had no choice.  
>He could pretend to dislike Jim as much as he liked, but he'd seen Jim three times now, not counting the disastrous night they first met and he'd been drunk and almost dead, and Jim was actually the most understanding, generous and civil guy Blaine had ever met.<br>Jim was sort of a copy of his dapper self, from back in the days where he actually _was _dapper. Back in the days he couldn't even think of the word _fuck, _much less actually say it.

But most importantly, he did not have anyone he thought would hold him, would clean up his vomit if he missed the toilet, or would shave his head before he became the guy with only bald spots.

Kurt was willing to do this, Jim was willing to let him in his house and Wes was willing to put his job on hold for as long as necessary and those people hadn't seen or heard from him in ages, Jim actually had never met him before.

So, though he would never admit this out loud, he saw something worth extending his life for. He had something worth living for and it felt kind of amazing.

He hadn't felt this good since… well, quite frankly, since he and Kurt had kissed that night before Kurt travelled to Amsterdam.  
>That last night before they broke off all contact.<p>

It was there again, that slight feeling of hope, of healing, of having everything fall back into place. And he knew Jim was there, and he knew he'd never let Kurt choose him if Kurt would try and do so. Because he was dying and Jim was not, and Jim was kind of awesome and that was absolutely perfect for Blaine.

But Blaine saw something worth living for, and in the amount of time he had he would do _anything _and _everthing _to make Kurt forgive him for what he'd done so wrong all those years back.

Because Blaine had done everything wrong and Kurt had done everything right.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I see a point in living again, now I see how much you guys are willing to give up just because you care. I want to live as long as possible and enjoy as much as I possibly can."

Kurt smiled sweetly, caressed Blaine's cheek with his hand and whispered with tears in his eyes.

"We'll support you, Blaine, we'll be there every step of the way. But you change your mind every day about everything, so I need you to be sure about this before I fetch a doctor. I need you to be sure."

And there it was again, the doubt. They'll be there.

"I promise Blaine, I'll be there every moment of every day to care for you."

And yes, he was sure, and that was what he needed. He needed Kurt to not speak in 'we', because he didn't need Jim or Wes there. He needed Kurt there and Kurt just promised to be there every step of the way, every moment of every day and that was all it took for him to decide he'd do whatever to live as long as medicine, surgery and therapy could give.

"Till death do us part?"

It was a silly question, they weren't together, but Blaine needed to know Kurt would be there, platonically so.

"Till death do us part."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Song quote at the top is "I'll Cover You" from Rent.  
>Sorry this chapter is short, but I needed it to be.<em>

_Next update will take a while. As you all may be aware, the school year is drawing to a close and I need to finish a thousand things that take priority, I kind of don't want to flunk out of university ;-)._

_What did you guys think?_


	9. Exactly What I Mean

_A/N: Warning for a very graphic description of a very ill person. Sorry if it's not your thing, but it's what happens with people who undergo chemotherapy. _

_._

* * *

><p><em><strong>You're the only one who holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick<strong>_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Kurt was rubbing Blaine's back while Blaine was hanging over the toilet, throwing up.<p>

He was doing that a lot today, rubbing Blaine's back while Blaine was throwing up. He'd even taken to wear sweatpants and a simple shirt while in the house, because Blaine apparently couldn't manage to the toilet and Kurt would be either covered in Blaine's vomit or on the gorgeous hard wooden floor, scrubbing sick off it.

Seven weeks had passed since Blaine had announced he wanted chemo, and though Wes had once more tried to tell Blaine this was a _big _decision, Blaine had been absolutely right.  
>Only after he had his first round of chemo he'd regretted it, but he was strong and he wasn't quitting now.<br>He was now on his second round and that would be his last, the doctors were trying to extend his life, they knew it wasn't curable so they just left it at this, they didn't want the remaining time to be all toilet visits and changing clothes.

This time was no different, though, Blaine had barely made it to the toilet and the tiles in the bathroom were all covered in sick.  
>It had been two days since the chemo and Blaine was way more ill than last time around, Kurt was absolutely sure he'd never seen this much puke in his lifetime and he'd been drunk numerous of times during his college years.<p>

And Blaine just didn't stop, everything that was inside his body one way or another came out, and he'd been going at it for about fifteen minutes now.  
>Fifteen minutes of mere throwing up, puking his guts out and it worried Kurt because, Blaine hadn't eating anything.<p>

He hadn't eaten anything and now it was just all coming out and Blaine was just hanging there, defeated, obviously unable to move, or even make a sound or complain.

And just when Kurt thought it was all over, Blaine's eyes went wide and teary and he made an attempt to hold on to Kurt, but then quickly backed away as far as possible to the wall next to the toilet and Kurt wanted to ask was wrong.

But then he _smelled _what was wrong and he knew why Blaine had wanted to get away from him.

Blaine had just literally shit his pants, and it smelled _bad._

But Kurt wasn't afraid of it, this hadn't happened before but he had read it was a normal side effect from chemo.

Chemo screwed up the body before it healed it, so he was going to have to deal with this and he would.

He would make sure Blaine would know he had nothing to be humiliated for, even though he felt that way.

Because boy, did Blaine feel humiliated. After having just puked his guts out and Kurt only comforting him for a good twenty minutes now Kurt was going to have to change him out of his diarrhea filled pants and was him, because he didn't have the strength to do so.

Blaine just wanted to sit there on the floor in the bathroom, backed up against the wall and wait. Wait until he had the strength to run the tub himself and get in there, do the laundry and have Kurt behind his desk sewing those beautiful garments he designed.

But he knew Kurt wouldn't let that happen, so he tried to relax when Kurt crawled over to him, kissed the top of his hair and Blaine winced, because his hair was his precious and he knew chemo could cause his hair to fall out and he really didn't want to press his luck it hadn't already.

Kurt merely apologized and threw Blaine's arm around his shoulder to lift him like a groom lifts his bride when they enter the bride suite.

Only there was nothing romantic about this, because as Kurt lifted him Blaine felt the gross down his pants spreading and it was ugly and he wanted to cry, but the chemo seemed to have affected his tear ducks as well, because no tears were rolling down his cheek.

Nevertheless he buried his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, as he felt himself being carried to his bedroom, one he was grateful they didn't make a boring guestroom, but really a place for him.

There were photos of the old days on the wall, a sweet photo of him and Kurt on his nightstand and the wall behind the headboard was the same color his old bedroom wall used to be, because Kurt remembered Blaine was so proud when he redid the bedroom.

Things had really changed when he had moved in with Jim and Kurt, he found himself unable to hate Jim and actually started liking him. They had a lot in common, Jim liked sports just like Blaine, he was a goofball and kind of a nerd and the most caring and dapper person Blaine had ever met.

So yeah, he sometimes thought maybe Kurt had just found another version of himself and it gave him a strange feeling of hope, though he could not place where it was coming from.

But now, he could not think about the homey feel of his bedroom, he could not think about how nice Jim was and how they were actually alike and he couldn't think of why he had agreed to move in with them in the first place, because he had shit in his pants and Kurt had carried him to his bedroom and asked him if he thought he could stand on his feet.

But he kept his face hidden in the crook of Kurt's neck, because it felt safe there and maybe if he stayed there he would be alright and he wouldn't have to…

O, so he would have to.

Vomit was all over Kurt's shoulder, Kurt's back and on the rug he was standing on.

And Blaine felt humiliated, yet again, a feeling he was getting very comfortable with, but Kurt shushed him, told him to breathe and lied him down on the bed.

"It's okay, Blaine, just breathe, we'll get through it together."

Would they though? Would they be strong enough to get through this? Blaine wondered that a lot, not only when sick, but also when he had been feeling alright in between those chemo sessions.

Yeah, his chest had ached a bit from the surgery when he was dancing around too much and the former chemo had made him ill, too, but that wasn't why he wondered.

He wondered if they'd be okay, if they got through this because Kurt obviously adored Jim and Blaine just couldn't think of a single reason why Kurt would want to take care of him if he'd been such an ass for the past couple of years and here he was, in Kurt's house after being separated for so long and Kurt was doing everything he could for Blaine.

That just wasn't right.

So Blaine attempted to get up and leave, but found himself lifted again, and Kurt's arms were just so strong and so comforting and so _Kurt _and he gave in.

"We're taking a bath, honey, we'll be alright."

"Hmm," Blaine softly hummed, "bath sounds good."

And his voice sounded raw, his throat was aching like crazy but he didn't complain, because it was all part of being sick and being sick was fucked up, but not when it meant taking a bath with Kurt.

Wow, ho, wait, what?

"What?" He asked a little more force in his voice, "we?"

Despite being weak like never before, he could feel the grin on Kurt's face.

"Yes we, you puked all over me and I need to clean myself up as well."

When they got in the bathroom the water was already running and the tub almost filled.

Kurt carefully removed all of Blaine's clothing and threw the dirty underwear and sweatpants in a bucket full of water and Kurt's vomited upon clothing.

Kurt led Blaine to the sink in the washstand, took a washcloth and proceeded to wipe the feces all off, then led Blaine towards the bathtub.

"You think you can manage to get in the tub yourself?"

Blaine nodded.

"You have to stand behind me to support me though," he said and Kurt did exactly so.

After Blaine was successfully settled down in the tub, Kurt climbed in after him and took his place behind Blaine.

Blaine immediately leaned back against Kurt, absolutely not aware of the naked state they were both in and just happy he had something to lay down on, because if Kurt hadn't been there, he might've slipped under water and _drowned _and that wasn't exactly the dead he planned on.

So sitting here, leaning against Kurt was pretty awesome and it felt good and safe and almost as if he wasn't so sick anymore and he let himself relax as Kurt gently took out perfume less soap, apparently that was better for the chemotherapy patients' skin, and washed his shoulders, his back and his chest.

Yeah, this was good and peaceful and whole and healed and relaxing.

And he was tired, so fucking tired he could sleep and maybe that wasn't a good idea while in a bathtub, with all the water and the maybe slipping under and drowning and stuff, but he wanted to sleep against Kurt and this just felt all too perfect to not fall asleep.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Jim came home late that night, he'd been visiting his brother and when he came home he announced he'd had a phone call from Wes.

"Shhhhhh," Kurt hushed him from the living room quite loudly, "Blaine's been asleep for the last three hours and I think he needs it."

Jim nodded understandingly, he'd seen Blaine get up that morning and it didn't promise an easy day for Kurt.

"So, how've you been?" He kissed Kurt gently on the lips and brushed his fingers through his hair.

"You haven't fixed your hair and you're wearing sweatpants and one of my shirts, I'd say you've had a rough day."

Kurt sighed.

"You could say that again, he's been vomiting the entire day without eating anything. Then he had diarrhea and as I was walking him back to his room to change clothes, he puked all over me, my clothes and the rug.

Jim nodded sympathetically.

"So then we had to take a bath."

Jim started to nod again as he had just sneaked behind Kurt and taken some of the pine nuts out of the bowl on the counter, when his head snapped to Kurt and his eyes went wide.

"We?"

"Yes, we," said Kurt all innocently, "he'd just shitted his pants and I was covered in vomit. Besides, he was too weak to sit up so I had to get in there and support him before he drowned himself to death."

"Right, okay, I see," Jim said and he seemed to _really _understand and Kurt thanked everything and all that he could think of for this amazingly gorgeous boyfriend he had.

"So, would you set the table please? I think Blaine will be asleep for quite some time, so for two is fine."

And Jim did so, except when Kurt was done with dinner and sat down at the table he noticed Jim had still automatically set for three.

Yeah, it was nice that they were getting so used to being with the three of them.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"What are you guys doing?"

Blaine was less pale, and strength seemed to beam from his eyes. Those hazel eyes that were gone the entire day, Kurt welcomed them back with a lightning smile.

"We were just settling in for a movie," Jim said brightly, "you seem to have slept alright?"

Blaine nodded, "what movie?"

"Ha," Kurt said, "that's the question now isn't it? Jim wants to watch the new Leo movie and I would prefer Breakfast at Tiffany's. Why don't you chose either of those and we'll watch that one."

Blaine's eyes went wide as he settled himself on the left corner of the couch.

"He's still watching Breakfast at Tiffany's?" Blaine asked Jim in a mock-shocked voice, "I can't believe you put up with that."

Kurt now flung himself on the couch and proceeded to hit Blaine on the head softly with an issue of vogue that was conveniently lying around.

"You seem to feel much better I see."

Blaine's smile was the widest when he said that yes, he did feel a lot better.

"And," he added proudly, "I could do me some Leo."

So Jim put in the DVD, settled himself on the other side of the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table and Blaine did the same.

Kurt put his head down in Jim's lap, where immediately his hair was being stroked and his feet were being massaged by Blaine on the other side of the couch.

And that was when Kurt decided, taking care of Blaine was worth it and life was good.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Jim had long gone to bed when Kurt and Blaine were still in the living room, watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Kurt felt a little guilty persuading Blaine into watching it anyway, but he knew Blaine secretly adored Audrey Hepburn and cat.

"I love her last name," Blaine whispered into the darkness, not even to Kurt in particularly.

"And I want to do that."

Now Kurt looked down to Blaine, who was resting his head on Kurt's stomach, while Kurt was all slumped in the couch with his feet up the coffee table.

"Do what? Steal masks from a shop?"

He pointed at the screen, where they just emerged the shop with crazy masks on their heads.

"Maybe," Blaine started, "but you know, just stuff I've never done before. To start with having breakfast at Tiffany's."

Kurt smiled reminiscent.

"When I told you I had breakfast at Tifanny's you said you loved me."

"I did."

"I loved you too, you know."

"I know. And you never actually had breakfast at Tiffany's."

"Did too."

"Did not, you had breakfast _in front of _Tiffany's."

Kurt stopped stroking Blaine's hair, and was actually only aware he was stroking them when he stopped.

"I'm not talking to you anymore, Blaine Warbler."

"I promise I'll take you to an actual breakfast at Tiffany's once I feel up for it," Blaine tried to comply and though Kurt pretended to keep ignoring him, his lips curled up a tiny bit.

"And I did read the email you sent me, you know, when you were in Amsterdam."

"You did?" Kurt asked, not being sure how he felt about Blaine reading the email and not responding so many years after it actually happened.

"And I thought that Ikea story was hilarious. I want to do that, too, before I die."

Now Kurt's eyes went wide. He thought that Ikea story was hilarious as well, but want to do that, here, not for a tv show but because it's something you want to do before dying, that's just dangerous and scary and… kind of exiting really.

"You want to hide in a closet in Ikea until they close up so you can spend the night at Ikea?"

Blaine nodded.

"I want to hide in a closet, in Ikea, to spend the night there, with you."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'You're the only one' by Maria Mena. She's awesome, go listen =D!_

_Also, there actually was a tv-show here that did that Ikea stunt, they hid in a closet for two hours and then spend the night at Ikea._

_I promise, happier times are coming, Blaine has some plans, you see!_


	10. Two Can Keep A Secret

_**God a secret, can you keep it, swear this one you'll save**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p><em>Kurt was lying on his bed, Blaine on top of him and they were occupied in quite the heavy make out session. <em>

"_Kurt."_

_Why did Blaine break apart, why did he stop this?_

"_Kurt, can I…"_

_Blaine didn't finish his sentence, he just looked down at… oh, at that._

_Kurt merely nodded, to which Blaine positively beamed._

"_Why did you ask?"_

_It was difficult to form an entire question with Blaine sucking his neck and fumbling at his zip, so Kurt was surprised it came out correct and all._

"_Because I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do."_

_Okay, maybe Kurt shouldn't have asked questions at all, because now Blaine stopped trying to take off his pants and more importantly, stopped sucking his neck._

_Nevertheless he laughed a little._

"_You're not pushing me; we've done this a million times before."_

"_I know. I know we did, but I want to do something… more."_

"_What do you mean 'more'? What more is there to do?"_

_Now Blaine raised his eyebrows, before leaning down and placing a very, very tender and soft kiss on Kurt's lips._

"_You're the cutest thing ever."_

_And no, Kurt was not liking this at all, Blaine acting as if he was an infant, calling him cute and stuff like that and talking about things Kurt didn't understand._

"_What do you want to do Blaine, seriously, is there anymore we can do?"_

_There was that smile again, that smile which reminded Kurt of the way his father used to smile when he said something childlike, like when he wanted a giraffe for his birthday._

"_I want to fuck you."_

_Oh, that sounded nice, but how though?_

"_That's what straight people do, how would you…"_

_And then Blaine's fingers were brushing over his entrance and Kurt positively writhed beneath him._

"_Wow," he whispered, "that wasn't covered in those pamphlets."_

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

So yeah, Kurt was in the shower now, working his own cock.

Jim had just called him, he'd been away for three days now and Kurt missed him like crazy. Or was it really Jim he missed?

The thing is, Kurt and Jim were addicted to each other, each other's body, each other's scent and most of all each other's ability to make the other scream and beg and moan and cum harder than the day before.

And they used to do it every night, and they didn't even stop when Blaine first moved in, Blaine knew they were together and he was a young male after all, so he knew how it was impossible to not fuck each other's brains out when lying in the same bed every night.

But then Blaine's second chemo came along and Blaine had been ill and sleeping during the day mostly, so Kurt would stay up with him until two in the morning before he fell asleep again and then Jim would be long away in dreamland.

So no, Kurt had only had sex three times in the past four weeks and now Jim was away for the week and Blaine was out having breakfast with Wes, so Kurt took the opportunity to help his sex-deprived self while taking a long, hot shower.

He did not, however, plan to get off thinking about Blaine's and his first time. He had absolutely not planned that.

Nor had he planned Blaine coming home early, holy shit.

He released his cock immediately and tried to compose himself. He had locked the bathroom door, hadn't he?

Blaine and he hadn't been that shy around each other since their bath together and had taken up to just use to bathroom, no matter whoever was in there doing whatever.

Okay, yeah, he had locked the door and he was relieved, until Blaine asked why he had.

"I… I… it's not what you think, I just needed to…"

But Blaine knew Kurt longer than that.

"Kurt, you're the cutest thing ever, just jerk off and then come out, I brought muffins."

Blaine quoting something right off their first time was not good, Kurt's dick actually twisted at that and he grabbed it to start stroking it hard.

"I won't be long," he answered honestly, because what the hell, right? Blaine knew he was jerking off, so he might as well just do it.

_There, right there. Oh hell yeah, there. Oh Blaine, keep going, keep, ooooooooooooh."_

And as he rode out his orgasm on his own he wondered when the hell the fingers of his other had ended up inside him and brushing that spot, but he didn't complain.

He only hoped he hadn't actually screamed out that last bit, because that he was reliving his very first 'being fucked' wasn't really something he wanted Blaine to know about.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Blaine had pretended nothing was wrong and told him his breakfast with Wes was cancelled, because Wes had a last-minute shoot.

Yeah, that sounded like Wes and his hectic movie star life.

So now it was only ten in the morning and Blaine was bored. He was feeling a whole lot better, pretty awesome for someone with cancer you would say.

He still had pain in his chests and he couldn't do an awful lot, but he could get around and do stuff he'd never done before and that was pretty cool.

So far he had had a job as a cab driver for three days, and with the money he earned he bought himself tons and tons of junk food (To which Jim and Kurt kind of had a row. Kurt wanted Blaine to be healthy and Jim agreed with Blaine that he was dying anyway so he could eat whatever. Kurt finally won by saying Blaine couldn't get fatter because he had to fit in Kurt's graduation-design).

Wes was taking him to Disneyland next week (and if Wes cancelled, Kurt would actually commit homicide), and Jim was letting him choreograph an entire number for his Glee Club (after the summer holiday, that was).

And now, Blaine said, it was Kurt's turn to do something with him.

"As my breakfast with Wes was cancelled," he announced proudly, "you and I are going to have breakfast at Tiffany's."

Kurt beamed; he'd been waiting for the day Blaine would take him.

"And to kill two birds, we're going to have only chocolate for breakfast. I've never had only chocolate for breakfast."

And Kurt would have to let Blaine, now wouldn't he?

So off they went, having breakfast at Tiffany's.

And it was all Kurt dreamed of and more, really. Eating chocolate muffins, chocolate brownies and crisp chocolate while drooling over the world's greatest diamonds, until Blaine changed the movie scene.

Because well, in the movie they don't have much to spend and end up having a very cheap piece of jewelry engraved, but Blaine decided to do something entirely different.  
>He bought something and had it engraved.<p>

Kurt wasn't allowed to know what, Blaine would tell him later.

They had to get back to the apartment eventually, because Kurt still had a collection to finish and Blaine offered he would help Kurt sew the last few garments together.

"You can sew?"

"I can sew."

"And you're only telling me this now, because?"

Blaine smiled.

"I'm bored, I want to do something and Jim and Wes are both away."

Kurt merely shook his head, all this time Blaine had been in the house and able to sew and only in the final week he offered his help. He just didn't know how this boy's mind worked and frankly, he'd stopped trying to find out when he was seventeen.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Kurt, I'm bored."

Kurt ignored Blaine's umpteenth time to try and get Kurt to stop sewing; if he just worked really hard he could finish this collection in the next few hours.

Blaine had actually proved himself to be a great help, everything that had to be hand sewn, had been done by Blaine. Attaching buttons and stuff like that.

"I'm going to watch titanic," Blaine announced and Kurt tried to ignore him, tried to ignore it, really, because he knew Blaine was out to get him.

Luckily, before Blaine could put in the DVD the phone rang and Blaine jumped at the opportunity to have something to do."

"Pinter-Hummel residence, this is Anderson speaking," he said beaming gleefully, then, "Oh, hi Jim, how's the campsite treating you?"

Kurt snorted at the casualty in Blaine's voice, both he and Blaine knew Jim hated that he had to go out camping. Hated it, hated it, hated it.

"No, Kurt is currently not available," he eyed Kurt even more gleefully, as Kurt shot him an evil look as to say 'you'll be dead if you don't hand me that phone.'

But Blaine simply continued.

"No, he's sewing his final garment together, you see, he doesn't even have time for Leo and Kate."

Blaine's smile grew only as wide as Kurt's face turned evil.

"Yeah, it's really that bad, Jim, I think we should leave you to it. Have fun sleeping on your air mattress!"

And Blaine ended the call, actually ended it.

"He misses you, but wishes you all the best."

Kurt just abandoned his sewing, just like that, jumped over the coach and worked Blaine to the ground forcefully.

"You. Just. Blew. Off. My. Boyfriend."

"Sorry," Blaine responded, "I didn't know you missed him that much."

"Well, I do. Or.. I think I do."

It was out before Kurt realized what he had actually said, whoops.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Blaine asked suspiciously, but as Kurt said to let it go he seemed to do exactly that.

"You know," he said instead, "now Jim is out of town we won't have to explain a night out with the two of us."

Kurt's head shot to Blaine, had he actually screamed his name aloud in the shower this morning? He hadn't, had he?

"I think it's time for our little Ikea outing tomorrow night."

No, it wasn't.

"Okay."

Why did he say that? Why did he say okay? He never even wanted to do it, ever. It was like actually breaking in, and he was sure the term trespassing should be somewhere in there.

"How were you planning to go at it?"

Maybe he should just give in, because his verbal self obviously had other ideas than his conscious.

"Well, I guess we go in there around 9pm, as they close at then, we choose a closet and sit in it and wait until they turn off the lights before we go out."

"Sounds way too easy."

Yeah, now his conscious and verbal self were agreeing.

"But I guess there's no other way to go at it."

Okay, maybe they weren't.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt had never actually thought he'd be here.

Here being at Ikea, arm in arm with Blaine (he still didn't really get the logic behind that, why would they have to appear a couple, more 'just friends' went shopping at Ikea, right?).

They had been walking around for a good forty minutes now and they were fighting. Sort of.

Blaine thought Kurt was being to patronizing, he had already insisted on Blaine sleeping the entire day, and now he was criticizing Blaine's tactic at choosing a closet.

"Seriously, you insist on me sleeping all day because I'll be staying up all night and now you're telling me off for choosing a _green _closet, you're making demands on what closet we'll be waiting in?"

"Yes, if I'm going to sit in a closet, I want it to be a nice closet."

"Well, I want it to be a comfortable one."

"That was always the issue with us, wasn't it."

"It's a fucking closet to _sit in _Kurt, we won't be buying it."

Kurt sighed heavily.

"Fine," he hissed, before shoving Blaine in there, glancing quickly around and followed Blaine in the closet.

And to be honest, Blaine had been right… it was a pretty big closet from the inside and they both fitted in easily, he could actually get kind of comfortable if he shifted just a tiny bit like… yeah, like that.

His knees were pressed against Blaine's thigh, but Blaine didn't seem to care, he was busy staring at Kurt and holding back laughter.

"What," Kurt hissed again, "is there gunk in my eye or something?"

But Blaine shook his head feverishly and demanded that no, there was no gunk in Kurt's eye, he merely laughed because they were actually _hiding in a closet in Ikea, so they could spend the night there._

And to be frank, it was funny. It was funny how they were waiting for the lights to turn off, so they could come out.

Funny how uncomfortably comfortable they were with just the two of them _hiding in a fucking closet._

The excitement was breathtaking, or maybe the small amount of space was. Anyway, they started breathing heavy and Kurt knew he should be worried about Blaine's lung, but the adrenaline this situation made it impossible to feel any other than like a child playing a very suspenseful game of hide and seek.

And it was hot in the closet, and they were breathing heavier and heavier every second, and it was getting more and more uncomfortable.

When Kurt checked his watch, they'd been sitting in that exact closet for an hour and a half and it took twenty more minutes before the lights went off and ten more minutes before they actually dared to speak.

"They really didn't check?"

"No."

Blaine shrugged and looked as if he was trying really hard to hear something, which he didn't.

"I guess no one told them to check for closeted gay guys."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Secret' by The Pierces._

_To those who put up with me for so long, thank you! I have good news and not so good news.  
>By letting you guys wait so long, I was able to finish all of my assignments, yay!<br>However, when I was writing this before, I should've been studying, so when I took this break from writing I only had time to finish my assignments and not study, so I failed my exam, so I have a resit next week. Meanwhile, I'll be in London for three days this week. So between enjoying GLEE live in London and studying to pass my resit, it will be another long week I expect.  
>Sorry!<br>Hope you enjoy this one, just drop a review and let me know!_


	11. Take All The Courage You Have Left

_**But it was not your fault but mine  
>And it was your heart on the line<br>I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?  
>Didn't I, my dear?<strong>_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>They waited for another good twenty minutes, before they decided that no, there really was no one there and yes, they could get out now.<p>

Blaine led the way, as he had been smart enough to pack a flash light (Kurt really wondered how long Blaine had been planning this particular trip), and he started towards the entrance, because apparently they had to walk around like it was a normal shopping day at Ikea.

"I've been here weeks ago, to decorate our apartment," Kurt hissed, really just wanting to lie down on a bed or something, or hide behind something as for when there was still somebody there.

But Blaine didn't listen, or pretended not to listen and simply kept walking, walking, and walking.

"I brought you a notebook and a pen," He told Kurt, "in case you see something you want, you can write it down."

Kurt raised an eyebrow at Blaine, as they reached the entrance, right next to the cafeteria.

The cafeteria seemed to be still running, cakes and sandwiches were still spread out in the cooling and the soda machine was making a rather loud whirring noise.

As Kurt had figured Blaine wanted to walk the 'Ikea' tour now, he started towards the shop again, but then he heard as if someone was filling a cup with soda.

He turned around to see that Blaine was not filling a cup with soda, no, he was trying to fill his mouth with soda, head hanging under the machine and pushing buttons he couldn't see.

He came out under it with a disgusted look on his face.

"You have to help me, I can't see the buttons. I wanted diet coke and I got sprite."

"Blaine, that's stealing. That soda isn't yours and you should pay for it."

Blaine merely shrugged and put his (wet with sprite) head under it again.

"Well..", he started after a few seconds of nothing, "Are you going to push that button or am I going to fill a cup and accidently spill it on your shirt?"

Yup, to this Kurt had to rush forward and press the diet coke, eyeing Blaine gulping it down in surprise. How did he do that, swallow at the same time as getting fluid down in his mouth? How, though?

And so, Kurt had to know.

"Do it for me now," he said as Blaine came out from under it, and as he told Blaine he _did _want sprite, he felt this great rush of adrenaline rush through his body.

He's doing something illegal while doing something illegal, or something like that. He's not sure how to describe it, but the feeling of doing something that's not legal and the possibility to be caught just gets him excited all of a sudden.

He drank the sprite enthusiastically, though he was right in thinking you couldn't really drink this way. Half of it ends up in his hair and his face is covered in sticky soda when he gets out from under it, but he feels so badass having drunk straight out of a soda machine.

Blaine had always had this bad influence on him, so Kurt decides not to care and simply let the rush of adrenaline take over.

So not only did he rush to the bed department ahead of Blaine, no, he was actually the one initiating jumping on beds, while Blaine called him down and saying stuff about alarms going off.

"If there'd been a movement detection alarm or something it would've gone of an hour ago when you opened that closet's door", said Kurt enthousiastically, before jumping from one bed to another and turning around to face Blaine again.

Blaine took little time to consider Kurt's words, before vigorously jumping on a bed as well, and so they kept busy jumping from bed to bed for a good five minutes, before Blaine collapsed on a bed, breathing heavily and Kurt rushing over to him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concern wavering over everything in his voice, "I'm sorry Blaine, I should've known you're not up to this."

Kurt was about to internally face palm, when he noticed Blaine giggling.

"You're the cutest thing ever, Kurt, seriously. So concerned, I was just out of breath and decided to stop before it got too bad."

Now Kurt giggled as well, because Blaine being responsible? Blaine stopping before things got out of hand? That did not sound like Blaine at all.

Like, look around, they're at Ikea jumping on beds after closing times. Blaine always let things get out of hand.

So they laughed. They laughed because it was funny, and scary and because it was comfortable and terrifying at the same time.

They laughed because it was _them _and they had promised this to each other long ago, not just a few weeks back.

A few years back they'd promised this.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"_From now on all we ever do, I want to do together."_

_Kurt raised an eyebrow and looked at Blaine sarcastically._

"_Sounds like a plan Blaine, I have to pee now, come with?"_

_But Blaine knew Kurt and was expecting such an answer, so he also was ready to quickly smack Kurt softly on his shoulder._

"_You know what I mean."_

"_Honestly, no, I don't. I get that you want to do a lot of things together, spent a lot of time doing this…" and at 'this' Kurt gestured to their naked bodies, soaked in sweat and stickyness, "but all we ever do?"_

_Blaine nodded understandingly, before reaching up a little to capture Kurt's lips with his own in a chaste peck._

"_I mean, all we ever do new. This was the first time we've had sex. All the other first everythings, I want to do them with you."_

"_Like what?"_

"_First holiday without parents. First time breaking the law. First time moving out. First time attending a graduation ceremony. First time out of the US. First time whatever, I want you there."_

_And this time it was Kurt who leaned down to capture Blaine's lips with his own, only not chaste, but passionately and longingly._

"_Apart from breaking the law," he started, "I want to do that too."_

_Blaine fought back a giggle and made Kurt a promise he was sure to keep._

"_Believe me baby, one day we'll break the law together."_

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

The giggling slowly died out, both boys lying on quite a comfortable bed, facing each other and drowning in the memory they could read in each other's eyes.

That first time they had ever been together and they promised to do everything new together. None of those promises were actually kept.

None of them.

Kurt's first holiday without parents had been his trip to New York with New Directions, it was for school, but it counted.

First time moving out, they were supposed to move in together but they didn't. They had broken up before that and Blaine had moved to Los Angeles, while Kurt kept his promise and already lived in New York a year before Blaine even moved out.

And while yes, Blaine actually transferred to McKinley halfway through senior year, the slushees and shoving had gotten to him worse than it did to the rest of the New Directions, Blaine couldn't really handle it on top of the different teaching style and somehow he'd failed and did not attend to their graduation, saying it was too painful to watch them get their diploma. Kurt still thought it was more due to the fact they'd just broken up.

Then the first time out of the US, that was when Kurt went to study in Amsterdam for a term of ten weeks. Blaine hadn't been there. Not that they were together at that point, but both boys had always sort of clung hope to that one particular promise, they were still best friends after all and maybe they would be able to repair things. Not that they ever said it aloud to one another.

And now here they were, breaking the law together. Kurt couldn't help but wonder if this was a promise Blaine did keep, or if Blaine had broken the law before.

He opened his mouth and was about to ask Blaine if it was, when his phone rang and the magical silence between them was gone, disappeared in to thin air, quite literally.

"What?" Kurt huffed into his phone.

"_Wow, I'm sorry to interrupt_," Jim's voice sounded cheerful.

"It's okay. I'm out with Blaine, don't have much time."

"_Where are you? It's quiet there?"_

"What did you say, Jim, you have bad reception."

"_Camping sucks. Kids are annoying and I miss you."_

"I miss you too, babe, but I've got to go now, I'm out and you have bad reception. I'll call you tomorrow."

"_Sorry to interrupt. I love you."_

"Love you too."

Kurt hung up and glanced back at Blaine, who was still lying face to him, but had now an unreadable creepy look in his eyes.

"Let's get going to the kids department," he said matter-of-factly and got up, almost running away.

If Kurt hadn't known better he had swore he saw tears and a big green monster hidden behind Blaine's gorgeous hazel eyes.

Kurt started running after Blaine, he had to see those eyes again to know that he was right, because if he was it would change absolutely everything.

Every-fucking-thing.

"Blaine!" he yelled, trying to keep up with the shorter boy.

"Blaine, wait!"

But when he got to the kids department, Blaine was most definitely not going to talk to Kurt about anything Kurt might've just seen.

Kurt couldn't know how Blaine felt when they were cuddled up on the couch after Jim got to sleep. He couldn't know how Blaine had felt those weeks back when they were in bath together.

Because Kurt had Jim and Kurt loved Jim. Jim was so freaking understanding and Kurt deserved that, he deserved someone who would never hurt him the way Blaine had. He deserved that.

Plus, even if Kurt still felt a hint of anything for Blaine, it was no use. Because he was going to die, and Jim wasn't.

So no, Blaine could not let Kurt know anything.

"I've always wanted a daughter," he said therefore, trying to distract Kurt from the topic that was actually on his mind, "I'll never have kids, you know."

"I know. We've always wanted a daughter and spoil her rotten like Rachel Berry."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"_You don't love me anymore, do you?"_

_Kurt was absolutely composed, calm and almost serene and it shocked Blaine._

"_Of course I love you, Kurt. I'm just not _in love _with you anymore."_

"_Isn't that what it always goes like though? They say that being in love changes into actually loving. You can't be in love for that long, that's what they say."_

"_I know what they say, baby."_

"_Don't call me baby."_

_I know what they say, Kurt, it's just how I feel. I still care for you as much as always and you're still as much my best friend as you were before Pav died. I just don't feel that way anymore._

_Oh, how Blaine only wished that was true. If only that were true, if only, if only, if only._

"_We'll still talk, you can still talk to me about anything. I still love you, the sparks are just gone, Kurt."_

_He reached out to cup Kurt's cheek and he shouldn't have, because he'd just said the sparks were gone and now his stomach was turning over and he almost choked on butterflies._

"_I flunked, Kurt. I'm staying here for another year and then I'll come to New York. We'll still talk on Skype, Facebook, whatever. But you have to know that it's nothing more than the bestest friends."_

_Kurt giggled through his tears._

"_I knew your feelings were changing, I noticed you touched me differently. But Blaine, bestest isn't a word."_

_Now it was Blaine's turn to giggle._

"_We'll still live our lives together, Kurt, as best friends we'll get through anything the way we did as boyfriends."_

"_We'd live our lives together with a mini-Rachel to spoil rotten."_

_Maybe one day they still would._

"_You'll find someone to do that with, you're amazing Kurt and I'm a jerk for letting my feelings change."_

_Kurt shook his head heavily._

"_No. Blaine. No. You're not a jerk. You would've been a jerk if you kept stringing me along, if you kept being my boyfriend despite your changing feelings. I only admire you for being honest. That's what friendship is about, Blaine, honesty. And that's why I know we'll still be best friends even after we broke up. Honesty got us here and honesty will guide us through."_

_It was like a stab to his chest as Blaine wondered when actually would be the right time to tell Kurt he'd rather move to Los Angeles than New York._

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

"I was still in love with you."

Okay, that was not supposed to come out.

"I knew that."

"Then why did you say honesty could get us through?"

It was really a miracle how they seemed to have the same flashbacks at the same time. Or maybe it wasn't, because something obviously triggered those memories to surface.

"Because I didn't want to fight you. I thought it was better to let you go for the time being and get you back later, than fight you and lose you forever."

Blaine rushed towards Kurt and grabbed his head on both sides.

"You said you'd never say goodbye to me and yet you did."

There was a hint of anger, of pain, maybe even accusation, but mostly desperation and Kurt couldn't do it anymore.

All the cuddling, the knowing Blaine was only sleeping a room away. He couldn't do it anymore.

Their lips crashed together in hunger, desperation, passion and longing. It was rough, painful and awkward but it was also amazing.

All those sparks from years back, they were there and it was as if they were finally freed again in both boys' bellies. Fireworks was pretty much an understatement with the way the pulled at each other's clothes, Kurt actually tearing up Blaine's shirt, while never letting go of Blaine's lips.

They moved backwards, backwards, backwards, until Blaine hit a bed and they let themselves collapse on it. That it could be the bed they were supposed to buy for mini-Rachel if things had actually worked out, neither of them cared.

All they needed now was to feel each other all over, Kurt's shirt tossed next to Blaine's ripped up one caused two bare chests to rub together, with all the pleasure than came with skin to skin contact.

Kurt was a bit broader than he had been in high school, Blaine had more chest hair and his scruff was positively rubbing against Kurt's soft skin.

Tongues were explored like there was no tomorrow, but also as if there was no yesteryear and they had never met, which they sort of didn't.

They both were more experienced and as the kiss grew less urgent and more passionate, they allowed each other to explore the hot caverns with a simple ease as if they'd done this for years and yet everything was so new and exciting.

Kurt straddled Blaine and reached down to open his zip, grabbed out his half hard cock and began to gently stroke it.

For a second Blaine relaxed in the touch and almost gave in completely, but he stopped Kurt.

"We can't do this."

Kurt's eyebrows shot up, before he got off Blaine and sat on the edge of the little bed.

"You're right, we can't."

"I just could not live with seeing Jim's face when he gets back. Just. No."

Oh. Right. Jim. Kurt was thinking along the lines of no lube, no condom.

"What? You weren't thinking about Jim?"

He guiltily shook his head.

"I thought no lube, no condom."

Blaine nodded, before taking Kurt's hand and let them back to the bed department. Maybe they could catch an hour of sleep, before they would talk.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Not that either of them could catch sleep, really, both were lost in thought of what had just happened.

And Blaine was really hoping that cuddling close and smelling someone's hair wasn't considered cheating, because he just could not do that to Jim.

Jim had been so understanding, so kind and generous.

Hell, he'd let Blaine live in his house and now here he was, holding that same man's boyfriend as if his life depended on it.

And the odd thing is, his life did depend on Kurt.

But Kurt also clung to him as if _his _life depended on it and that was just utterly wrong and also utterly confusing.

Blaine tried to go over anything and everything in his head, the way they ended up in this fucking mess, but he couldn't see how.

All he saw was that he should've never broken up with Kurt. Because if he'd never broken up with Kurt, they'd never gotten into that mess before Kurt left for Amsterdam and Blaine would've never had to make the decision to cut Kurt out of his life.

If only.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I still love you."

Apparently Blaine had drifted off to sleep, or at least had dozed off into an almost sleep. Kurt most certainly had thought he was asleep, or else he wouldn't have said that.

"You shouldn't."

The words were whispered, but they stabbed both Blaine and Kurt so much more than it had stabbed when they first broke up.

They were grown men now, grown men loving each other and knowing they couldn't.

"I love Jim as well."

"I know."

"I love you more. You're.."

But Kurt could not find the right words to describe what he was thinking.

"You're Blaine."

"Jim's good for you, Kurt, I'm not. I've hurt you so many times before and I will hurt you again."

Kurt smiled and scooted even closer, though Blaine wondered how that was physically possible."

"How will you hurt me again? You're dying."

Blaine nodded.

"Exactly. If you 'choose' me, you'll be hurting when I die. Jim isn't dying. He loves you unconditionally, he's good for you. He's right for you."

Kurt sobbed silently into Blaine's neck.

"Why, though, why did you hurt me. I know why you did it the first time around. Because you did not see how it would work with me in New York and you in Marysland or LA. But why, before and when I was in Amsterdam. Why did you hurt me, why did you cut me out?"

Blaine sighed. Kurt really needed explanation. Blaine knew it would come to this one day, he knew he'd have to explain but he'd been dreading the day. Now here it was and he was scared, but also relieved. Kurt loved him. Maybe Kurt would be angry, or sad, but Kurt loved him and maybe he would even forgive Blaine. Just maybe.

"Because I loved you.

I did it because I loved you so much, Kurt. That night at your goodbye party, we shouldn't have kissed. We just should not have. We were drunk, we got carried away. I know it was just a friendly goodbye kiss, but it all came back to me. All the feelings, the pain I was in from being away from you, it all came back with one simple, closed mouth goodbye kiss.  
>I knew I still loved you then, and that it would not be good for me to hang around you, because I thought you didn't feel the same.<br>No, Kurt, don't try and interrupt, let me speak.  
>I thought you didn't feel the same way about me anymore, because you just walked away after that kiss. I spent days and nights re-reading your email from when you were in Amsterdam. It was just a single one and I couldn't bring myself to respond to it, because I knew if I did I had to tell you how I felt and that I couldn't do it anymore. I ended up texting you I hadn't had internet in weeks and made the epic mistake of checking facebook, so you saw I was online.<br>When you granted me the choice to respond to your text with a good explanation or cut off all contact, it was just too easy for me to make a decision. I could cut it all off, get over you and start a life.  
>But I never really got another life, you see? I never made friends because they weren't you. I never had a relationship because they weren't you. I pushed everyone away, everyone. They weren't you, Kurt, they weren't you. You were my best friend and the love of my life. No one would ever be good enough."<p>

Tears. Everywhere, on the pillows, on their cheeks and in their hearts. Everywhere.

"Do you think you can love two people at once?"

"Totally. But you don't have to choose. Jim is Carole."

Blaine was making no sense to Kurt, so he asked how Jim was Carole.

"Your dad loved you mom so much, Kurt, so much. But after she died he moved on and found Carole. He still loves your mom with every bit of his heart, but Carole is in there to, every bit of it."

Okay maybe that made sense, just a little, but how did Jim come into this?

"Jim is Carole for you. You'll love him just as much, he only came along sooner than her."

Jim was Carole. He came along too soon.

"I want to be with you, Blaine, for as long as we have."

"We can't do that to Jim," Blaine protested.

"I know," Kurt said and he had a feeling that Jim wouldn't be as understanding about this as he had been about the rest, but he just had to be with Blaine. He just had to.

"Jim will be away for two more nights, we'll just enjoy them and cross the bridge of him coming back when we get there. I need you, Blaine. At this moment, you're to me what applause is to Tinkerbell. I need you."

Blaine sobbed and thought no more.

"I need you, Kurt."

They didn't kiss, they didn't have sex or anything remotely close to such a thing. For now, just laying there and reveling each other's presence was enough intimacy.

That was, until Kurt spoke again.

"So, Blaine, now the night is almost over, did you put any thought in how we would get out of the place unseen, unheard and without setting off any alarms?"

.

* * *

><p><em><strong>.<strong>_

_**A/N: **__The song quote at the top is 'Little Lion Man', by Mumford&Sons. Those who don't know it, go listen to it RIGHT THIS SECOND!_

_Look guys, I made up with a very angsty, emotional, long awaited chapter ;-)! Sorry for the long author's note, but I'd like it if you'll read it!_

I hope it makes sense, because halfway through this chapter my roommate called me telling me she crashed her car into a Chinese take-out restaurant. How do you do that, one might ask? It was close by, so I went to get her, when I got back I realised she had called me in the middle of a make-out scene, how dare she!

_This chapter was pretty emotional to me, due to the flashbacks and the explanation. I think this is the time where I should tell you how I came up with this particular story._

_I am Kurt, and my two exes combined are Blaine. The way their relationship was and the way it ended, was with one ex, loving each other a lot. When he broke up with me, it was really over though. That's where my other ex steps in, with whom it wasn't over. He remained my best friend for years and years after we broke up, until two years ago when I went to Romania for a semester. We didn't see each other often, but when we did it was just utter perfection. He was my best friend in the whole wide world. When I went to Romania however, and we met to say goodbye we got drunk and kissed. Everything came back to me, and when in Romania I contacted him several times, but he did not respond to anything except for one text saying he hadn't seen internet for weeks, two hours later he was online on facebook. I texted him the exact same this as Kurt did, he did not respond._  
><em>Weeks ago I dreamt he was dying and wow, it hurt so, so bad, only to dream that. It hurts me so much that I can't contact him and ask him how he is, I just know he won't reply.<em>  
><em>To let out my frustration, my pain and my stupid, stupid overly active fantasy I started this story. I'm sorry for bothering you with this long AN, but I just had to get it off my chest so you know how important this story is to me._

_I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless and could notice how emotional it was to me. I have my re-sit tomorrow and after that I'm in France for a week._  
><em>When I'm back I'll be back to updating frequently, as I'll really have summer holiday then (though it only lasts six weeks, boo!)<em>

_Also, I'm trying to figure out how to change my Author's Name, since it isn't pronouncable for you guys and I know for a fact that non-pronouncable things are hard to remember. So if it changes into 'beatle-bun' sometime soon, don't be shocked, it's still me ;-)!_


	12. I Will Finally Feel The Joy

_**I am not afraid to love you**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p><em>There they were, under a tree on McKinley school grounds.<em>

_They had tried to find a private spot to, well you know what for._

_They were unsuccesful though. Very unsuccesful. They were supposed to be hiding out at Blaine's all weekend (though Kurt never knew how Carole had convinced Burt it was okay), but as soon as Kurt turned around the corner Blaine came running towards him._

_His parents were home early. No, they would not allow Kurt in the house and yes, they would have to find somewhere else._

_So to Kurt's it was._

_Oh, right, it was Carole's weekend off and that was why they were planning on spending it at Blaine's in the first place. Weekends were always spent at Kurt's, with the lack of parent's and the presence of acceptance amongst said lacking parents. _

_But no, even if Carole was accepting and loving and maybe even a bit too enthousiastic ("Ahhw, look Burt, they're making out on the couch, isn't it cute?"), they much rather had her not walking in on any more than making out._

_And yes, there would be more going on than just making out if they went up to Kurt's room now._

_So, maybe Kurt could give Blaine a tour of McKinley, since he was transferring and all, and maybe, just maybe, they could get into the locker rooms and just take a secret shower together._

_Yup, not going to work, coach Beiste was a bit more trustworthy than coach Tenaka and she had actually locked up for the summer._

_Thus the ending up under a tree on McKinley schoolground, Blaine's back against said tree and Kurt's head in Blaine's lap. _

_Blaine was secretely relishing the thought that he, and only he, was granted the privilege to touch Kurt's hair without being seriously harmed._

_Blaine, unable to stand silence, only stopped humming when Kurt was looking at him with _those eyes.

_Those eyes that say 'I'm about to do something radical'._

_Like when he puts on Blaine's clothes, while Blaine has no fashion sense at all. Or when he is about to take a bite of pizza ordered by Blaine. Or when he is in a hurry to get them to a bed and breaks speed limit._

_But not like this, Blaine had never seen this look in Kurt's eyes out in public and so he was in for a surprise when Kurt rolled over on his side and unbuttonned his pants and unzipped it. _

_Even more so when he started softly stroking his cheek over the bulge now obvious in his boxer briefs and all he could to when Kurt took those off his cock with his teeth, was something between a gasp and a moan. _

_Only imagine how much he had to hold back when Kurt actually took his entire length in his mouth as if he was born to suck Blaine's cock. Maybe he was, the way he sucked and put the right amount of pressure on it with his tongue and... oh... god..._

_Ohh... Goddd... Fuck... Kurt had started bobbing his head up and down, practically fucking Blaine's dick with his mouth and Blaine threw his head back and bit his lip as to hold back moans and gasps and screams and cries because, well, they were on school grounds._

_It was holiday, yes, a hot summers day, but there still might be people there and... oo... never mind._

_Kurt had just managed to stick his tongue out enough to lick his balls, while still having Blaine's entire length in his mouth and sucking it, so Blaine's hands flew to Kurt's hair and started to become unhinged really, really fast and..._

_"Kurt.. I'm.. ohhh, almost, Kurt.."_

_"SNAP". _

_And Blaine's jaw was almost severely injured as Kurt flew up and started chasing Santana, jumped on her and wrestled her to the ground._

_"YOU GIVE THAT POLAROID PHOTO TO ME RIGHT NOW OR I'LL OUT YOU TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOL, LOPEZ."_

_Kurt got the photo from her, but Santana Lopez was outed anyway. She borrowed the camera from Jacob, you see, and he was sitting _right there.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Poor Santana."

Blaine laughed and agreed.

"Poor Santana. I wonder how she is."

"Me too."

Kurt sighed, his head in Blaine's lap and Blaine, who sat with his back against the headboard of bed, was stroking Kurt's hair. A privilege he still secretly cherised.

But, that was not the only thing going on in Blaine's head, the cherising of stroking Kurt's hair.

If only, if only, if only.

I need you, I need you, I need you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Thrice, once for every time he should've said it.

Once, for when he broke up with Kurt and shouldn't have. Once for before Kurt left to Amsterdam. Once, for when Kurt asked for an explanation.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

But there was something else, or rater someone else, that kept repeating in Blaine's mind.

Jim. Jim. Jim

Jim. Jim. Jim.

"Back then we were so desperate for privacy I ended up sucking you under a tree. Now we're in a bed, private as can get, and we're not doing anything."

Blaine didn't answer. He didn't know how to answer. He knew why nothing was happening, he knew, but he also knew Kurt would not accept it as a reason. Kurt had made up his mind, and Kurt was stubborn. But so was Blain.

Jim. Jim. Jim.

Jim. Jim. Jim.

"I thought you said you loved me."

"I didn't. I said I need you."

"You said you still loved me back then. You said it, Blaine, you said it."

"I said I loved you back then, I never said I love you now."

"So you don't?"

"I do. I love you. But I need you more than I love you."

Blaine was so frustrating at times, Kurt decided, he loved Kurt, so why be difficult?

"You're making no sense."

"I'm making perfect sense. I love you, but I also need you. I need you to take care of me, I need your house to live in, I need your spare room to sleep in. If we're going to be together now and Jim throws us out, you'll never forgive and I'll die miserable and alone. I'd rather die your best friend than your ex-lover."

"Never."

"Kurt, please."

"Never, you're never my ex-lover. You've always been it, Blaine. Yes I love Jim, I love him senseless, but he's never been you. He doesn't have to find out. I promise, he doesn't have to."

"Kuuuurrt..."

Blaine was positively whining now and it drove Kurt crazy. If only things had been different back then, if only he had never met Jim, than none of this would have been so difficult.

If only he'd never met Jim.

If only, if only, if only.

I need you, I need you, I need you.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

But Kurt hadn't expected Blaine to pull him up and closer than physically possible at that. He hadn't expected Blaine to start sobbing uncontrolably in his hair and he had most certainly not expected him to whisper those words.

"If only, if only, if only. I need you, I need you, I need you."

"Thrice, for every time we should've said it," Kurt offered before he felt his own tears fall on Blaine's bare shoulder.

Thrice, thrice, thrice.

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

When Kurt woke up later that day, sore all over his body. It had felt so good when they held each other close and cried themselves to sleep, but sleeping in that particular position for a good three hours didn't do the body good.

Especially after having spent a few hours in a closet the day before, and climbing out of a first store window following up on sitting in said closet.

So he tried to stretched, but found himself held tightly by the strong arms that most defenitely belonged to Blaine, who was still fast asleep and Kurt thought it a good idea to let him sleep for a while.

So he reached around his back, took Blaine's arm with his hand and softly pried it off him. Starting to cook dinner would be a good idea.

Or not, Blaine stirred, and pulled him close again with the arm that was still around Kurt's waist.

"Don't ever leave again."

"I was just going to cook dinner, babe, I'll be back. You'll get to eat it in bed, even."

"Nope, don't leave. Ever."

And it was hard to deny Blaine things, especially when he still was half sleep-hazed and holding his waist _like that._

So Kurt complied, and sat himself next to Blaine again.

Blaine opened his eyes softly and knew this was the time to talk about it, in all the honesty and earnest they'd gone through earlier, and now both of them had rested a bit. This was the time to start about it.

"I'm scared, Kurt."

"I know."

"I don't think you do. I'm really scared."

"Talk to me, Blaine, tell me what you're scared of."

"That it will hurt."

"We can take care of that."

"And that I can't do it anymore."

"Can't do what? You know I'll take care of you."

"I know, but it's been a long time."

Kurt looked confused. Utterly, absolutely, completely confused.

"A long time? What are you talking about?"

"Sex. What are you talking about?"

"Dying. I thought you were going to ask me if I believed in heaven."

"Do you?"

"I do. I have to. I think my mom is there and I think she'll guide you once you're there. I think she'll be your guardian angel."

Blaine smiled.

"I think so too. I think I will meet your mom and she'll yell at me for hurting you, but then take me under her wing and treat me as her son. I think she'll be a better mom than my own mom was."

"I have the best mom in the world. She'll yell at you."

"Will she yell at me for having sex with you while you're with Jim?"

"Nope. She won't, because it's completely consensual and it's making love. Not sex. Why are you scared, anyway?"

And Blaine had to phrase this right, because he was scared of several things and he needed Kurt to pick up the right things once he said this.

"I'mscaredbecauseI'millandbecauseit'sbeensevenyears."

"What?"

"I'm scared because I'm ill. I couldn't even jump on a fucking bed for five minutes, let alone fuck you. It asks so much of the body, so much and I don't know if my body is still up for that."

Blaine wanted to hide, he wanted to run and never show his face again, but he couldn't, because Kurt's thumb was on his chin and made him look him straight in the eye.

"We'll see how far you get. I could start with just my mouth on you. We'll see how far you get. As for the second part. It's been seven years?"

""Seven years," Blaine confirmed.

"Does that mean you had sex with someone right after we broke up?"

"No. It means you're my first and only. I got scared when you brought up condoms yesterday. We never needed condoms. I never thought of them, because, well, you're the only one, Kurt. The only one and you're so much more experienced now and what if I'm horrible? I'm clueless. I feel like a virgin all over again, with you way more experienced and I'm so freaking scared I'll make a fool of myself."

He would continue, but Kurt's lips were on his. Not passionate, not eager, not heated, but soft and gentle and loving.

"I'm not that much more experienced. Jim is the first guy I've been with more than once."

Blaine gave him a look.

"Okay, that sounded as if I've been a whore and had a thousand one night stands. I haven't. Jim is the fourth guy I've ever been with and the first guy I've been with more than once since you.  
>Besides, we were fine before. I think we had a pretty miraculous sex life and I think it's like cycling. Once you get the hang of it, you'll always be able to do it. It might be a bit awkward at first, but we'll get through it. Don't we always?"<p>

Blaine nodded.

"We always."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

They didn't have sex then, it would've been too awkward, not sponteanous and just a follow up of that conversation.

They ate dinner quietly, just eyeing each other and wondering if they'd really just agreed they'd cheat on Jim.

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

They had really agreed they'd cheat on Jim.

.

* * *

><p><em><strong>.<strong>_

It was cold in Blaine's bed, he was shivering and waiting for Kurt to join him. It was a good night for Kurt to join him, he'd never been cold in this bed before.

Kurt had taken a shower and walked in Blaine's room with just a towel around his waist, water dripping off his body and his hair still wet.

Suddenly, Blaine wasn't so cold anymore, and as far as his dick was concerned the cancer did not get in the way of getting off tonight.

It was rock hard in an instant, as if he was seventeen again.

"Kurt. Could you... I... Maybe.. If you want..."

Oh great, so a wet Kurt would get him not only rock hard as if he was seventeen, but also stuttering as if he was seventeen again.

"I want," was all Kurt replied before taking off the towel and getting in bed fully _naked._

So now a _naked _Kurt was lying next to a Blaine who was still in boxer briefs.

Not anymore, Kurt pried them off with a skill Blaine sadly noted must have been practised a lot over the past few years. But soon that sad note was forgotten, because Kurt's lips were on his and Kurt's tongue was trailing his lips and asking for entrance and who would he be to not grant entrance?

And there tongues were dancing a sweet, serene battle. Kurt's hands found Blaine's mop of unruly curls and Blaine sighed happily that he didn't get to go to a hairdresser, because he kind of really liked Kurt's hands in his hair like this.

And he really liked Kurt's mouth on his so he whined a little as they lost contact, but soon moaned when he found out Kurt's lips left his to let his tongue lick a wet trail to his ear and started nibbling on it sofly. And if Blaine's cock hadn't been rock hard before, it certainly was now.

As was Kurt's, and Blaine could _feel _it, because Kurt was on top of him and there erections quite literally pressed together. It felt really good, like, really really good and Blaine couldn't help but thrust upwards and ohh... that felt even better.

Except for Kurt, losing contact with his ear, though, but it must've been good for Kurt too. He only let go of Blaine's ear for mere seconds to gasp very, very loudly, before thrusting back down.

And Blaine thrust upwards again. And Kurt back down. Upwards. Back down. Upwards. Back down.

Finally they found a pace they could both go on for a while and their mouths found each other again, Kurt's hands still tangled in Blaine's hair, Blaine's hands firmly squeezing Kurt's ass.

They kept the pace for quite a while, before Blaine's breahing became heavier and Kurt broke their mouths apart to grant him some air, but Blaine shook his head.

"Just.. getting there. Don't worry."

Oh, that was kind of hot, Kurt decided, and so he upped his pace, thrust once, twice, thrice.

He came hard, as did Blaine. Neither boys even had strenght to really thrust anymore and just let the heavy orgasms overwhelm them as they held on to each other tighter than ever before.

After Kurt had caught his breath he rolled over on his side and wanted to whipe off the cum of his stomach when he noticed it.

He had to not freak out Blaine, he had to, but he knew no matter how he approached this, it would, so he decided to just confront him.

"Blaine?" he whispered, barely audible.

"Hmmm?"

Blaine looked up at Kurt dreamily, before his eyes widened as he saw the thick pluck of dark curls that Kurt held in his hand. Way too thick to have been accidently pulled out from to much force.

_**.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>.<strong>_

_**A/N: **The song qoute at the top is 'Not Afraid', written by Michael Arden, performed by a bunch of people including Gavin Creel_

_Yay! I'm back. Took me a while though. First my car broke down in France and I had to find another way home. Then I got home, wrote this chapter and Microsoft Word died, so everything I wrote was lost.  
>I'm now writing this in the editing section for chapter eleven, I have no spellinggrammar checker so please point out anything you find!_


	13. I Found a Way to Let You In

**_Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they are tumbling down_**

**_._**

* * *

><p>Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? Have you ever loved someone so much your arms literally ached in longing for them? Have you ever loved someone so much that being without them felt like a hand squeezing your throat shut, like someone held your chest so close you couldn't fill your lungs with air anymore?<p>

Jim Pinter had never loved anyone that much. Not until he met Kurt Hummel.

He loved Kurt so much he sometimes thought it was a slight bit unhealthy. He would do anything for Kurt in a heartbeat. Hell, he would bury the body if Kurt ever murdered someone, accident or planned.

Never, though, had he thought his love for Kurt was dangerous. Because without Kurt he simply could not live anymore. His life depended on Kurt, he had a ring burried deep in his nightstand and he planned to get it out once Kurt graduated. He had every intention to make Kurt his. Every intention, and not in the possesive sort of way. Maybe it was even the other way around, he had every intention to make himself Kurt's. He already was Kurt's, fully and completely.

But now his love for Kurt was dangerous. Because he'd left Kurt alone with Blaine and he knew they wouldn't _want _to hurt him, but he also knew what they were to each other. Jim had embraced Kurt's weakness for Blaine the first time he'd heard Blaine's name. Never had he thought, though, they would be in his house together for a week, with him camping out and sleeping on an air matress without Kurt. With Kurt and Blaine alone in his house, his love for Kurt was dangerous. He'd forgive Kurt anything, even an affair with Blaine. He'd forgive Kurt, he really would, but that didn't mean he _wanted _it to happen or that he would _like it_ if it happened.

He had been Kurt's since the day they met, you see, he'd been Kurt's a year and a half before Kurt became his as well.

Kurt was hurt, you see, Kurt had walls to tear down, defences to break through and bubbles to burst all around him.

Jim was patient. Always patient, understanding, it was how he became around Kurt. Jim was a patient man, yes, he was, but for a twentysix year old guy to wait a year and a half for a college student, that was plain weird and patient.

Jim had offers, he had offers for people wanting him way sooner than Kurt, but he never took up on any of those offers because he wanted Kurt. He wanted Kurt like Kurt didn't want him. Like Kurt didn't let himself want Jim.

Jim recognized hurt, walls, bubbles and defences. Defences, most of all.

They met on a freaking subway, Jim practically falling in Kurt's lap when the train came to a halt in the middle of a tunnel. Jim knew the subway system like he knew the back of his hand andknew they wouldn't get into a station yet, so held onto nothing.

He fell in Kurt's lap and Kurt was witty, charming, sarcastic and _gorgeous._

Kurt made some sort of witty remark about how Jim could've just said so if he was 'falling for Kurt' and Jim kind of just stared into Kurt's eyes and said he thought actions said more than words.

When they got out at the same stop, Jim knew it was fate, chased after Kurt and made Kurt promise to wait outside that very station the next day at six, Jim could take him out to dinner.

Kurt wasn't there the next day, but he was in the subway again the day after that.

Jim talked to him, just talked to him.

As he did the next day, and the next.

It took Jim two more months to work up the courage to ask Kurt out again and this time Kurt didn't promise a single thing. He just said he couldn't, but Jim knew for a fact Kurt hadn't a boyfriend.

So a week later, instead of saying goodbye as they got off the subway, Jim kept talking and Kurt only noticed when they were standing in front of where he used to work, a tiny cute restaurant just around the corner from where Jim lived.

How convenient, Jim still needed to eat and he knew this place had awesome pork cheeks.

And Jim liked coffee after dinner.

And maybe some more ice cream.

And oh, sorry, no Kurt, Jim hadn't noticed they were closing up.

And Jim didn't smoke, but pretented to just so he had an excuse to wait outside for Kurt to come out.

But when they were in Jim's bed about an hour later, fully undressed and rubbing up against each other, Jim was the one who stopped them.

_"I thought this was what you wanted," _Kurt had panted.

But no, Jim explained, this wasn't what he wanted. He did not want one night rubbing up against each other and that's that. He wanted to get to know Kurt, he wanted Kurt to get to know him and that Kurt was quite right, Jim should just say so if he was falling for Kurt.

Jim had never seen anyone dress or run out of his apartment faster.

So when he handed Kurt his designer top hat back the on the subway the next day, he was happy to see a shy smile on the face he'd to see in his dreams each night.

They resumed their ways of just talking on the subway home/to work and every now and then Jim would eat at the restaurant. Kurt would smile while serving him, soon got to know his regular order and then there was one day where they'd missed each other on the train and Kurt positively beamed as Jim walked in.

Jim felt a tiny little hope, so a week later he waited till closing time again, and when Kurt came outside he said he didn't smoke but just pretented to so he could see Kurt after closing time.

Kurt smiled again, said he was sorry and walked off towards the station.

Another week and Jim couldn't stand it anymore.

Kurt was perfect, in every single way. He was funny, elegant, gorgeous, but the sarcasticness and wittyness worried Jim to no end. They were cute, they were fascinating and intoxicating, but they worried Jim because he recognized them as defences.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_"Who hurted you so bad you won't go out with me?"_

_Kurt's head snapped to the left. It was Jim again, the guy that wouldn't leave him alone. Not even in his dreams at night. _

_He didn't know what got to him so much about this guy, he was years older and living a whole other life than Kurt was. Kurt was still a student, earning his money by working in a restaurant four nights a week._

_Jim told him he was a teacher and glee club director._

_Right, maybe that got to Kurt so much, that he reminded him of high school. Honestly though, that was not the only thing that got to Kurt so much, he found himself looking forward to his rides on the subway and the nights that Jim would come and eat at the restaurant._

_As if his life had meaning again, making those short moments worthwile for Jim._

_"Seriously, Kurt, who hurt you so bad?"_

_Somehow, Kurt's knees gave way. He started sobbing uncontrollably and found himself actually comforted by the arms that developed around him, a surprise as there had only ever been one person he allowed to touch him while he was upset. Only..._

_"Blaine."_

_"What?"_

_"Blaine, he's the one who hurt me so that I won't let you in."_

_"I think you just let me in, Kurt, by telling me who hurt you."_

_"I think I have."_

_"Will you tell me about Blaine?"_

_Kurt looked up, whiping away his tears and snuggling just that much closer to Jim._

_"Maybe someday," he whispered while looking Jim straight in his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in the intoxicating scent that hadn't left him alone since that very first night._

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt's eyes snapped open in a dark room, his body aching to snuggle closer to Jim, but when he did it didn't smell like Jim.

It smelled like Blaine and that didn't make sense because Blaine had hurt him and Jim was safe, Blaine wasn't.

Jim would never leave the way Blaine had, Jim had promised that, so why was the guy in his bed smelling like Blaine and not Jim? He wanted Jim. He wanted Jim, only Jim.

His eyes started adjusting to the dark and looked around. It looked vaguely familiar, sort of like Blaine's bedroom where Kurt had been once when his parents were away. Only, there was a picture of him, Blaine, Jim and Wes on the nightstand.

He looked next to him and there surely lay a sleeping Blaine, bald spot on his head and Kurt remembered.

It almost made him sick to his stomach to think what he'd done to Jim. Or to Blaine.

What kind of person had he become?

And his body was still aching for Jim's scent, for Jim close to him and for Jim to kiss away the tears he'd woken up with.

Only Jim would be enough just now, so he quietly got out of the bed and into the living room, where he picked up the phone and dialed the number he knew by hard.

"_Hmmm_?"

"Jim, it's me," Kurt sobbed silently.

_"What? Kurt? Is Blaine dead?"_

"Huh, what, no," Kurt seemed to come to his senses now, "no, he's sleeping like a baby. I just miss you."

_"Are you calling me in at... 5am to tell me you miss me?"_

Kurt shrugged, not caring Jim couldn't even see him, he knew Jim knew he was shrugging.

"Apparently I am. I dreamed about that night."

He needed to say no more, they always referred to it as 'that night'.

Jim fell silent as well, for a few long moments.

"_Me too_," he then whispered, "_I was dreaming about that night too_."

"_Did we just have the same dream_?"

Kurt gasped, Blaine wasn't sleeping like a baby anymore, he was standing in the doorway and looking at Kurt with tears in his eyes.

"We just had the same dream," Kurt said loudly, surely, and looked at Blaine. Kurt's heart broke. It positively broke.

"_I love you, Kurt. I love you._"

Kurt nodded.

"I love you."

He didn't say Jim's name though, he meant it to Blaine as much as he meant it too Jim.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Jim sighed and finally let himself relaxe and maybe catch some sleep, until the hot morning sun would have him sweat out of the tent.

He'd been foolish.

He'd been worried he'd have to forgive Kurt for having an affair with Blaine.

Of course Kurt wouldn't, Kurt was the kind of guy that called you at five in the morning, crying and telling you he missed you.

Kurt could never hurt Jim, Kurt would never hurt Jim.

That was the whole reason Jim ached with love, because Kurt was _right _for him.

So right.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Do you think he knows?"

Kurt shook his head.

"Do you think he'll find out?"

Kurt nodded.

"Are you scared?"

Again, Kurt nodded.

"Can I hold you?"

Could he, though, could Blaine hold him now without Kurt getting sick to his stomach of Blaine's smell?

He'd been so upset with Blaine when he woke up, he'd just relived that very first moment where he'd admitted how bad Blaine had actually hurt him. The first moment he even admitted to _himself _how much Blaine had _fucked him up._

But now was different. He now knew he loved Blaine and Blaine loved him, he knew he loved Jim and Jim loved him and _fuck this was a mess._

_"_Take me to Europe."

Blaine was still standing in the doorway, hadn't moved a bit and seemed to just look at Kurt with those hearts in his eyes.

"Take me to Europe, Kurt."

"How, though, if I can't even be without Jim for a week without aching for him like the world would end today."

"You feel guilty. You love him."

Kurt nodded, again, searching for something to say.

"I feel guilty and I love him and therefore I should take you to Europe?"

"You're scared as well. Scared he'll find out. I wasn't in for this at first, but now I've been with you once I'm pretty sure I can't get enough of you. Take me to Europe, I'll pay. Take me two weeks and show me everything you've seen when you were there. It's on my bucket list, Jim won't be suspicious and we'll have two weeks of not being scared."

"Though that sounds lovely, Blaine, I'd rather just crawl up on Jim's side of the bed and wait for him to get home right now."

"Take me to Europe."

"Blai-ai-aine," Kurt whined.

"Take me to Europe, Kurt."

"I'll take you to Europe. Of course I'll take you to Europe if you want that, I love you. But right now I love Jim."

Blaine nodded.

"Just like when you loved New York more when I first said I loved you."

"Just like that."

"It isn't that you don't feel it, it's just that your heads full of other things right now?"

"Just like that. And if it's okay with you, I'm crawling in my own bed right now and cry myself to sleep on Jim's pillow"

Now Blaine nodded, walked back to his room and only turned back to Kurt when he started talking again.

"I honestly don't understand what I'm feeling right now, Blaine."

A faint smile reached Blaine's lips and those gorgeous hazel eyes.

"That you don't understand what you feel doesn't mean you don't feel it."

.

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Halo' by Beyoncé._

_Have you ever, you know, loved someone so much it hurt, it ached?_


	14. Your Hair Was Long When We First Met

_**I cut his hair myself one night  
>A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light<br>And he told me that I had done alright  
>And kissed me till the morning light<strong>_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>When Kurt woke up on Jim's side of the bed later that morning, he didn't really know how to feel about his actions of the previous night.<p>

He was pretty sure he'd sort of snapped at Blaine and he'd let Blaine show how much he actually missed Jim.

How much he actually _loved _Jim.

For some reason he felt that was inappropriate, even if Blaine might've heard them a few nights, even if Blaine had been living with them. He loved Blaine just as much as he loved Jim and it seemed unfair to either of them to have them know how much he loved the other.

Because, and that was what felt odd as well, if he ever knew that either of them loved anyone else just as much as he loved them he'd leave them.

If Blaine loved someone else just as much as he loved Kurt, he would never want to be with Blaine.

If Jim loved someone else just as much as he loved Kurt, he would never want to be with Jim.

He had to be their one and only, so why couldn't one of them be his? Why not, huh?

He forced himself up and out of the bed, his stomach was protesting to staying in the bed and feeling sorry for himself. For Jim. For Blaine. For this fucking fucked up situation.

He walked out into the living room, only to find Blaine sitting on the couch, watching cartoons and eating cereal as if nothing had happened.

When he saw Kurt he smiled broadly, wished him a good morning and continued with his cartoons and cereal.

So casual.

So déjà vu.

As if he travelled back in time, not to a particular memory, but to the summer of 2011. That summer where Burt and Carole decided to go on their honeymoon anyway.

That holiday where Finn was invited to join Rachel and her dads to Florida.

That summer where Blaine's parents didn't care _shit _for where their son was, believed him to be at Dalton for all they cared.

That summer where they had spent three gorgeous weeks at Kurt's house with no one home, no interruptions, just them.

And no, they hadn't been having sex like rabbits.

Not during the day at least.

They were seventeen, yes, but they were in a healthy, steady relationship and had control over their hormones.

Most of the time, anyway.

But that was not the point. The point was, Kurt had travelled back in time to those three weeks.

Those three weeks where he woke up to find Blaine on the couch eating cereal and watching cartoons.

Those three weeks where they both wished they could just stay like that forever, where they both wished that was what the future would be like.

After two days Kurt didn't even whine about Blaine not being in the bed when he woke up anymore, because he would get that broad smile when he entered the living room. He'd be wished a good morning and Blaine was just so _freakishly adorable _while he was all caught up in cartoons.

So Kurt didn't need Blaine next to him when he woke up, he needed Blaine on the couch with cereal while watching cartoons.

For a long time Kurt had wished he'd get to see that once more. One more silly time of Blaine on the couch watching cartoons, while eating cereal.

He often wondered if that was too much to ask, but now he got to see it again he knew it was. It was too much to ask, because all he could think of was to ravish Blaine. Ravish Blaine like all those years back, that wonderful summer where they had the house to themselves.

Okay.

Maybe they had fucked like bunnies.

"You want some cereal or just a napkin?"

Blaine's question startled Kurt out of his daydream, if that was what it was.

"What? Napkin? Huh?"

Oh, great, now Blaine had reduced him to a seventeen year old stuttering boy again. Why did he have that power of Kurt?

"Yeah, napkin, though I like a compliment, you've practically been drooling while staring at me, thank you."

And that sentence could've been hurtful, it could've been a lot of things but it wasn't. Not with the way Blaine said it, all smiling and loving. _Loving._

"I love you."

"I love you, too, but I was asking if you want any breakfast."

Oh, right, breakfast, the reason he got out of bed in the first place.

"I want you for breakfast."

SERIOUSLY! What was it about Blaine that made him say things he didn't want to say? Why on earth did Blaine trigger this Freudian part about him?

Blaine merely smirked. Like, actually smirked.

"That can be arranged."

And with that his mouth was on Kurt's, soft, gentle, but asking for entrance nonetheless. Obviously, Kurt granted it the second Blaine's tongue asked for it. Tongues moved slowly together. Not really in Blaine's mouth, neither in Kurt's. There was no battling for dominance, no heat or lust, just a simple kiss where two tongues danced together in an o so familiar way.

And Kurt knew where this was leading to, where this always led to. The bed, yes, but it led to slow, sweet _love making. _Not to sex, heated, sweaty and lustful, but to slow sweet kisses and beautiful words.

Kurt led the way to the bedroom, not once breaking the kiss. They needed it more than air, and air could be provided through their noses anyway. The sweet, slow dance of their tongues continued as the fell down on Blaine's bed. Blaine's hands were on either sides of Kurt's face, while Kurt's hands flew to Blaine's curls once more. Blaine broke the kiss to lick down a trail from Kurt's chin to his nipples, slowly swirling his tongue over both of them in turn, before licking further down until he reached Kurt's pajama bottoms. He kissed a sensitive spot just above Kurt's waist before slowly tucking it down.

"You're beautiful," he muttered before taking Kurt completely in his mouth to start sucking.

"So beautiful," Kurt repeated as a mantra while his hands found their way to Blaine's hair again, not pushing him up and down, merely massaging the scalp in a soft way.

Sweet, gentle, soft.

Sweet, gentle, soft, exactly the way Blaine was sucking him, so soft and yet so hot, so completely _right _and Kurt felt a moan escape his lips, a sweet, gentle, soft moan.

Apparently that was Blaine's cue to stop sucking and crawl back up to give Kurt a sweet, long, closed mouthed kiss.

"I love you," he whispered, "I love you, I love you."

And then,

"Please, Kurt, please. I'm scared, Kurt, please."

Kurt kissed him again before he wanted to start speaking.

"In the nightstand. Top drawer."

Kurt chuckled lightly, so Blaine had been keeping himself busy, before retrieving the small bottle of lube out of the nightstand. He coated his fingers, before he slowly brushed them over Blaine's entrance.

"Just relax, baby, it'll be okay."

And with that, he gently pushed one finger in, almost pulling it out again as Blaine hissed, but Blaine clanged around him and ordered him to not pull out.

"Just, I have to get through it."

So Kurt stayed like that for a short moment, before very gently starting to move his finger, first around and when Blaine started to relax also in and out. Soon he felt like he could add another finger and when Blaine didn't even hiss at that, he pushed in a third and stretched Blaine as good as he could.

While Kurt moved his fingers in and out and around, Blaine started panting and babbling nonsensical things and literally _begged for Kurt to be inside him¸ _Kurt couldn´t handle it anymore. He moved his fingers out, coaxed himself with lube and slowly pushed inside Blaine. Blaine hissed again, but soon gave Kurt the nod of approval to start moving.

Kurt moved in and out slowly, steady and kept that pace throughout the whole thing, his face buried in the crook of Blaine´s neck, his lips firmly attached to said neck but never sucking. Never leaving a mark.

Slowly, moving in and out of Blaine and it drove him insane nonetheless, his body aching for release but not wanting to grant it unless Blaine would be right there with him. He moved to change his angle and with the next thrust Blaine was

"Ah, Kurt, again."

Yeah, right there with him. Right. There.

And so they came, not hard, not screaming, but gentle and softly whispering 'I love you', ´I love you', 'I love you'.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"We should talk."

Blaine was sitting straight up with Kurt's head on his legs, when Kurt woke from his post-orgasm nap.

"We have to talk about how to go at this, like what we'll do from now on."

"I don't want to."

And really, Kurt didn't want to talk about this. He really didn't want to talk about it at all. Only, they had to, they really had to know where they stood. What this meant for them.

"I want to be with you as much as I can," Blaine confessed while stroking Kurt's hair, to which Kurt's stomach clenched. During the grabbing of Blaine's hair he'd pulled out another thick pluck and he hadn't let Blaine know yet.

"I want to be with you as much as I can as well."

"But you love Jim."

"I love both of you."

"I know."

Obviously, this was going to be another one of those heart wrenching conversations. One of those were Kurt would be crying at the end and possibly Blaine as well.

"I don't want you to lose Jim, he's amazing. I'm crazy about him myself, as a mere friend and I see how much he adores you. You deserve someone like that in your life."

"You're someone like that."

"But I won't be in your life for that much longer."

Stupid Blaine, stupid realistic Blaine.

"I loved you first."

I loved you first.*

"You'll love me long after I'm gone. We've been through this. He's Carole."

"He's Carole."

Because really, Kurt couldn't form coherent sentences right now. He didn't even really have any coherent thoughts.

"I want you, Kurt, but I want you to stay with Jim as well. I think we should keep this from him, I think we shouldn't tell him."

"Easy for you to say," and why did he snap again? Why?

"For you it'll be a few more months of hiding this, for me it'll be whole my life."

"Well, then come let's call him and tell him how we've just had sex."

"It wasn't sex."

"Oh even better, let's tell him how we just _made love."_

Kurt closed his eyes and sighed.

"Please don't make fun of me, or mock me, this is hard."

"Oh, you have it so hard, two guys love you just as much as you love them, must be so difficult."

And Kurt didn't know when they started snapping and screaming, all he noticed that even though he was mad at Blaine, even though he was yelling, he couldn't get himself to move his head from Blaine's lap, just couldn't.

"As a matter of fact, Blaine, yes it's hard. I'm madly in love with two people, one of them is dying in a few months and the other is going to leave me the second he finds out I love the dying one. I don't want to keep a secret from anyone I love so as far as I'm seeing this, I'm going to end up losing either of them. Yes. This is hard!"

This seemed to have Blaine quiet with nothing to say.

"Will you cut my hair?"

"What? I just tell you why this is so hard for me and now you ask me to cut your hair?"

"Yes, we're going to pretend like nothing happened. You're taking me to Europe like you said, we'll be together as long as we're there and for the rest of the time you'll be with Jim."

"That won't work because I'll want to be with you every second we'll be alone."

And now it was Blaine's turn to sigh, because really Kurt was not making this any easier. Not that he was supposed to, Blaine understood the situation Kurt was in. This hopeless situation.

"How about you cut my hair and we'll think about it?"

"No, I'll cut your hair and then we'll spend all day on the couch cuddling until Jim comes home. We'll be together but keep it a secret from him. I'll figure out how to tell him when you're gone. I don't mean to be crude, I don't like to think about you dying, but it's inevitable and I will just see how life will go on from there."

Blaine nodded.

"So my final relationship is going to be one I should hide?"

Kurt's eyes went wide.

"No, crap, Blaine, that's so cruel, you have so much you have to deal with and now I'm asking you to keep this a secret."

"I was joking Kurt, I want to keep this a secret because that's the only thing I can do to keep you happy. To make sure you'll be loved after I'm gone. I want this probably more than you do."

So, that was decided. They'd keep this a secret. Kurt moved up from Blaine's lap to place a long, hard kiss to Blaine's lips.

"Now before I'll cut your hair, as I think you've noticed it's starting to fall out, I'd like that cereal you offered me."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

And after cereal Kurt took a simple scissor from the kitchen and started on Blaine's curls. With each curl he cut he felt a little regret. A little anger. A little hopeless.

Each curl that landed on the ground represented Blaine's stupid decease.

Kurt's stupid mistakes.

And this whole messed up situation.

If Blaine weren't dying Kurt would've never taken interest in him again, or at least would've pretended not to.

And now he was here, now he knew Blaine had cut him off because he loved him. Blaine had always loved him like he had always loved Blaine.

He felt so messed up, his feeling so mixed up. If Blaine hadn't cut him off they'd still be together. They would have had so many happy memories and now they would be in their cozy apartment somewhere in New York or LA. He wouldn't be cutting Blaine's hair, because Kurt would've convinced Blaine to do chemo the first time around. Or maybe it wouldn't even have been a question. No matter, he would not be cutting Blaine's hair because Blaine would've lost his hair longer ago, he would've had longer to live because they'd have been there earlier. Kurt would've noticed something was wrong and it was still a very aggressive form of cancer, but they would've been able to buy him more time than just a year.

Every curl represented the future they never had, the lamented moments they'd never share. They should've shared and should still.

Every curl on the ground represented regret, regret of what was and wasn't done, regret of the future that wasn't to come and the past that should've been.

Every curl represented how this was meant to be just so, how there was a reason for everything because if they had had that past, if they were in that apartment of their own, then Kurt would not have met Jim, Kurt would've been alone after Blaine had gone. Was this really supposed to be?

Every curl represented how much he had missed Blaine.

How much he would miss Blaine.

Every curl represented them, every curl represented Kurt and Blaine.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt had taken his time, cut Blaine's curls really slow so it was an hour and the use of a trimmer later when he heard Blaine squeak from the bathroom.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel!"

And Kurt giggled, this was so much fun.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, you did not just give me a Noah Puckerman-style Mohawk."

Kurt looked nonchalant as Blaine ran back into the living room.

"You did not just give me a Mohawk a la Puckerman."

"And what if I did?"

"You're dead. So dead."

Blaine grabbed a pillow from the couch and started beating Kurt with it, but Kurt was quick with a response and it soon turned into a epic pillow fight that much represented the ones they used to have in Dalton dorms.

Of course, pillow fights in Dalton dorms were always interrupted by someone.

"Dudes, I know you're like both guys and want to go at it all the WHAT THE FUCK KURT WHAT IS BLAINE DOING HERE?"

Finn.

And his awesome sense of timing.

"And why does he have my signature haircut, Hummel?"

Noah Puckerman stepped out from behind Finn with a wide smirk on his face.

"Nice to see you again, Blaine," He said, still smirking, "always knew you had a crush on me. Kept telling Hummel that was the reason you broke up, wouldn't believe me. Guess you're haircut's the proof."

"I don't have a crush on you, Noah, and I'm here because I live here Finn."

Kurt's face was bright read and now it all came together for Blaine, with the outraged look in Finn's overprotective big-brother eyes and all.

"I reckon Kurt hasn't told you."

"No he hasn't and he doesn't know what he's doing, get the fuck out."

That was scary, very scary, because Finn said it so nicely, while smiling, a face he'd heard Sam talk about while Junior Prom. Sam was right, scary face.

"He lives here because he has cancer, Finn, that's why he has your hair, Noah, his hair just started falling out."

Finn kept glaring at Blaine, but Puck offered his 'dude I'm so sorry' with a great look of compassion.

"Now, tell me why you're here and how the hell you got in?"

"Your graduation thing show is tomorrow. We were supposed to model. Burt's downstairs talking to Jim, we arrived the same time as him so he gave me the key."

Kurt nodded.

Jim was back.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Song quote at the top is 'Samson' by Regina Spektor.  
>* 'I loved you first' is also a line from that song<em>

This entire song is so beautiful and fits into this story so well, the entire lyrics but I don't want to put them all in the series, so they're at the bottom of this a/n :)!

_If you're writing a sex scene and you're grandma walks in, trust me, uncomfortable!_

_My little brother has Darren Criss triangular eyebrows and his outrageously curly hair (yes I feel like a creep for finding Darren so attractive, though my brother is a redhead and looks nothing like him apart from that) and he currently rocks Noah Puckerman hair, so I had to have Blaine rock it as well!_

_Throw me some reviews, I'll throw you a new chapter sooner :)!_

_**Regina Spektor - Samson**_

You are my sweetest downfall  
>I loved you first, I loved you first<br>Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth  
>I have to go, I have to go<br>Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed  
>Not much hair left on his head<br>He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed  
>And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us<br>And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall  
>I loved you first, I loved you first<br>Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads  
>But they're just old light, they're just old light<br>Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed  
>Told me that my hair was red<br>Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed  
>Oh I cut his hair myself one night<br>A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light  
>And he told me that I'd done alright<br>and kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light  
>and he kissed me 'til the mornin' light<p>

Samson went back to bed  
>not much hair left on his head<br>Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed  
>Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down<br>Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one  
>And history books forgot about us<br>And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall  
>I loved you first<p> 


	15. There's Nobody Here, It's Just You & Me

_**I'll never forget the way you look tonight**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Finn settled himself on the couch and Finn literally face palmed himself for thinking Kurt was going at it, since he'd just seen Jim downstairs.<p>

Like Finn had never cheated on Quinn, Kurt thought. He'd leave Finn in the dark, though, that was probably best.

Puck grabbed a beer from the fridge as if it was his own, before he settled himself next to Blaine on the ground.

"So, I'd say it was good to see you again hobbit, but the reason isn't exactly nice now is it?"

"No, Noah it isn't?"

"And what is it with all people attracted to men calling me Noah?"

"Cause that name makes you hotter, Noah."

"Thanks Kurt."

"I'm still the hottest guy you know, right?"

"Jiiiiim!"

Kurt positively squeaked when he saw his boyfriend hanging against the doorframe, his father and Carole close behind.

He ran towards Jim as fast as he could, throwing his arms around his neck and he buried his face there, while he allowed Jim to lift him and spin him around.

"I missed you so much," Jim whispered and Kurt was quick to respond the sentiment.

"I missed you, I missed you."

They kissed, but not for too long because, well, Finn, Puck, Blaine, Burt ánd Carole were watching.

And Burt kind of had a point when he asked if Kurt hadn't missed them more. He had not seen them for almost eight months, anyway, so Kurt moved to hug his father when his father practically yelled in his ear.

"KURT ELIZABETH HUMMEL, EXPLAIN TO ME RIGHT NOW WHY BLAINE ANDERSON IS IN YOUR HOUSE."

"He's dying."

"You're damn right he is," Burt continued when Jim said it and tried to get past Kurt, but Kurt was doing his utmost to stop Burt and Puck actually jumped in front of Blaine like a human shield.

"It's true, mr. H. He's dying, that's why he's got my hairstyle."

"You're making no sense, Puckerman," Burt responded, still trying to reach Blaine to give him a peace of his mind.

"Neither are you, Kurt's a boy and yet is middle name's Elizabeth?"

Burt looked as if he was going to punch Puck instead, but then relaxed and shot Blaine an apologetic look.

"It's okay," Blaine said, "I know I've hurt Kurt, but I promise we talked that all out and he's taking care of me now."

"I'm still not liking you, boy."

"Seriously, though Mr. H. Why is Kurt's middle name Elizabeth?"

And never before had Kurt Hummel been so thankful for Puck's bluntness, as the tension in the room was quickly replaced by laughter and an explanation.

"When we found out Elizabeth was pregnant, we decided that our little boy would get my name as a middle name and a little girl would get hers. He was going to be Joshua Burt Hummel, but Elizabeth was a spontaneous and spur of the moment kind of girl, so when he came out she said to me '_that's not a Joshua, that's a Kurt.' _I wanted to tell her she was crazy, you couldn't see a name on a baby, but when I turned my head to look at him I said '_Well, he's going to have your middle name then, because Kurt Burt is not something I want to yell when I'm upset with him.' _So, that's how he got his names."

After that, and a full explanation of the events with Blaine's decease, Burt seemed to be okay with the fact that Blaine was currently staying with Kurt.

He was still upset Kurt hadn't told him anything, but he could see why Kurt was taking care of Blaine and Carole assured Kurt that Burt was also a little proud of his son's selflessness.

And yes, Kurt felt a little awkward and a little guilty as he cuddled close to Jim on the couch and let Carole take care of dinner.

He felt a little guilty for cuddling close to Jim on the couch right under Blaine's nose and he felt a little guilty for cuddling close to Jim on the couch while he'd just made love to Blaine the previous night, but mostly he was happy that his family was all together and excited for the fact that his graduation show was only a day away.

Only one day and, if everything went according to plan, he'd be an official Master in Design. Now that was something he was looking forward to despite all the soapy drama going on in his life right now.

Right before dinner Kurt did a quick fit through with Carole, his dad, Puck and Finn, made some final changes and then made Puck change into his own clothes again, because hell no that there was going to be pasta sauce spilled on his designs.

Dinner was fun, it was loud and chatty and mostly laughter filled the room. It was filled with anecdotes of Elizabeth high on pain medication, Burt promising Kurt he was going to have these times with Blaine as well.

It was also filled with tears when Burt spoke about the time where Elizabeth was so weak she couldn't even get high on pain meds anymore, all she could do was sleep and eat. If she could even eat at all.

And then, for the first time in his life, Kurt heard the story about Elizabeth's actual dead, in a hospital bed that was placed in their living room.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"_You make sure to find a woman, Burt, you make sure."__  
>"I don't know if I can love anyone anymore."<em>_  
>"Oh, I don't care if you love them, as long as they're a good mom to Kurt."<em>

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

And yes, that were actually her last words, and she died with a smirk on her face. An actual smirk of 'hell, did I fool you.'

Burt loved her, still loved her, it was to be read on every bit of his face, the way it lit up when he spoke of her, but when he looked at Carole you could see just as much love, just as much adoration and Kurt assured him that yes, he'd done Elizabeth proud, he found a good mom to Kurt.

After dinner Blaine stood up and announced his leaving. Kurt told him not to be silly, but Blaine insisted. He'd asked Wes and Wes was okay with Blaine staying over the three days Kurt's family was here.

"You just change my sheets, Carole and Burt can sleep there and Finn and Puck can make the bed couch, so no one has to stay at a hotel. I'll be fine, Kurt."

And Kurt reluctantly let him go, a hug a wee bit tighter than two best friends would share, but a kiss would be too obvious as his whole family was sitting right there.

Besides, now he could make love to Jim without feeling guilty of Blaine lying in the next room.

Yes, he'd still feel guilty, but he'd been longing for Jim and it was not as bad as when Blaine would've been in the same house.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt was utterly sleep deprived when he was backstage at his graduation-runway show. Sleep deprived because him and Jim had made love deep into the night and sleep deprived because after the amazing love making he could not sleep, too nervous for his show.

Everybody was in their first costume and Kurt wondered if the fact that he had Broadway-star Rachel Berry modeling for him would earn him brownie points.

Wes took his hand.

"Come on, I know you want to control this thing, but you can't. There's an amazing director making sure everyone's going to change into the right costumes and get up on stage at the right times, if you stay back here all you'll do is see tiny little faults, try to fix them and then accidently rip up the entire top right before they have to go on. It's out of your hands now, join me in the audience and enjoy your show."

And Kurt was going to protest, like, really protest. Because Wes had just called them _costumes. _In the film industry you might work with _costumes_ Wesley, but these are designs.

He was going to say it, he was, but he found himself without a voice and obediently followed Wes to take his place on the front row next to the runway.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Flawless.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

And then Blaine came out. Kurt had seen him in this piece a few times before, for fitting, but he'd never seen Blaine like this.

His cheeks were hollow, he was paler than he used to be and Kurt was quite sure he'd lost more than a few pounds as well.

He was the most beautiful man Kurt had ever seen, he seemed to glow and his smile was so wide Kurt thought it must hurt.

The most beautiful man in the world.

And then Blaine took out a microphone.

What the…

That was not going according to plan, he was just supposed to pose a little longer than any of the other models, that was it.

He wasn't supposed to …

Oh.

Kurt heard the opening chords to a song when Blaine spoke.

"You just saw the new collection of Kurt Hummel's label, Elizabeth Eternity. A collection based partly on his mom, partly on me, and a great deal on the amazing song 'If I Die Young' by the band Perry.

_If I die young, bury me in satin  
>Lay me down on a bed of roses<br>Sink me in the river at dawn  
>Send me away with the words of a love song<em>

And Blaine continued the song as the other's came out, forming a gorgeous line and Kurt was proud. Proud of Blaine getting through this song without shedding a tear, proud of all his gorgeous garments and proud of all the people he loved so dearly gathered on the stage, with the exception of Wes, who was sitting next to him and gripping his hand tightly.

As if to say it was okay for Kurt to cry.

_Lord make me a rainbow  
>I'll shine down on my lover<br>He'll know I'm safe with you  
>When he stands under my colors.<br>And life ain't always what you think it ought to be  
>Ain't even grey but he buries his baby<em>

And Kurt noticed Blaine had changed the lyrics, and he knew it was because he did not want to sing about his mom who had abandoned him. She would not be burying her baby, Kurt would.

And as Blaine sung about the sharp knife of a short life, Kurt himself felt being stabbed by a knife, right through his heart.

He was _losing _Blaine. He was losing this gorgeous boy in front of him and he was just letting him slip away, he was not even loving him as fully as he ought to be. Blaine was not the one when he was supposed to be, not the love of his life, not the _only _love of his life and it hurt. It hurt so bad he couldn't even properly cry. All he could do was clutch his hand to his chest and watch Blaine, longing for him with all his might.

_Who would've thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life_

It wasn't even forever that was severed, if anything they were _saved _by the sharp knife of a short life. They were _saved, _because without this sharp knife of a short life meant they were here, they were together for as long as fate let them and Kurt wanted to fully enjoy it, fully take advantage and fully _be _with Blaine, but he couldn't.

He couldn't, because next to Blaine was Jim, who joined in with the next chorus. And now Blaine and Jim were both singing to him, for him, the love of their lives.

The loves of his life.

Both of them.

But now it was Blaine, now that it really sunk in that he was losing Blaine, that they were saying goodbye.

_A penny for my thoughts  
>Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar<br>They're worth so much more after I'm a goner  
>Maybe then you'll hear the words that I've been singing<br>It's funny when you're death how people start listening_

And Kurt wanted to tell Blaine, no, I'm listening. I hear you, I'm here. I'm here Blaine and I'm not going anywhere. I'll hold you, I'll listen. I'll pay the dollar now, no penny for your thoughts. He barely registered anything anymore, but the words that Blaine was singing. He was singing them now and Kurt should listen now, because he sung them to Kurt and maybe all these people were watching him, watching them. Maybe they were, but all there was now was Kurt and Blaine and no one else. No people in gorgeous garments designed by Kurt, no Jim with tears streaming down his face. No Puckerman crying his eyes out. No Finn eyeing Rachel in awe. No Wes still gripping Kurt's hand tight, telling him it was okay to cry. All there were was Kurt and Blaine.

_Put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls_

And that was it, Kurt instinctively released Wes's hand and flew himself on the stage, to hug Blaine tighter than he had ever hugged anyone in his life. They both cried for dear life and clutched onto each other everywhere they could, until the emotion became too intense to even move and all they did was hold on to each other while standing still, for as long as everyone around them would let them.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Half an hour later the word was on the street.

Kurt Hummel had officially graduated. He was now not only a bachelor, but also a Master in Design.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Lady in Red' by Chris deBurg. The song Blaine sings is, as mentioned before, 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry.__  
>You have no idea how hard this was. Or how proud I am of this. Kurt's graduated, yay, he'd appreciate you congratulating him in reviews!<em>


	16. I'm Leaving Tonight

_**Though I never told her, I think she knows about me and you**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Kurt looked around the room, smiling and soaking up the love he saw around him. His college friends were there, a few of his New Directions friends, Wes had invited David along and somehow Jeff and Thad had also been send an invitation. His dad was currently dancing with Blaine (wait, how did that happen again?), and Finn was cheating on his new girlfriend with Rachel.<p>

Kurt loved his family and friends.

"So, how long has this been going on?"

He looked next to him, to find Carole sipping from a diet coke, eyeing him curiously.

"What?"

"You and Blaine fooling around."

"We're not."

"You're not fooling me, honey."

Kurt sighed, Carole was like a real mom to him and he was like a real son to her. And as real moms, she was on to anything and everything Kurt did or didn't do.

"Just a few days, but it's over now because Jim is back and I don't think I can live with doing that to Jim."

Carole shrugged.

"You already did."

"But really, Carole, we're not just fooling around."

"No, you love him."

"I love them both."

Kurt let himself slop down on the couch, Carole taking her place next to him, slinging an arm around him and pulling him close.

"I know it hurts to lose him, honey, and it's not crazy that you want to be with him."

Kurt looked up through his eyelashes, which already started to wet. Stupid alcohol making emotions just that much more intense.

"So what do I do? Do I simply leave Jim to be with him? I love Jim to you know."

Carole squeezed him even closer to her.

"You morn. You cry and you hurt, but before that, you love. I can't tell you what to do Kurt, but I do know this situation isn't ideal."

"What would you do?"

He sat up, looking her straight in the eye.

"What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

Now it was Carole's turn to sigh and Kurt noticed a single tear that had formed in the corner of her eye.

"I'd give my life to grand your dad one more minute with Elizabeth," she said, allowing the tear to roll down her cheek.

"So, you think Jim would forgive me?"

"I don't know," she whispered, "I just know that I don't want you to lose him, he is amazing."

Both their eyes moved to the middle of the room, where Jim had flung his arm around Wes and was trying to explain to David how their friendship had formed and Kurt cracked a desperate smile.

"He's amazing," he confirmed.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

It was about seventeen delicious bottles of red wine, five bottles of white wine and a hell lot off beer later that Kurt and Jim started to literally sweep people out (like, literally sweeping the floor and hoping people would get a hint already).

Finn and Puck had already fallen asleep on the double bed couch, not caring or bothered by the loud noise and chattering going on around them and Burt and Carole had just put in earplugs when they had gone to bed.

For a few moments Kurt considered waking Finn and Puck to force them helping cleaning up, but as Puck turned around and made a small spoon out of Finn, he decided it was to amusing to wake them.

Oh, he could just imagine their faces when they would wake up.

But there was no way Kurt or Jim were getting any sleep anytime soon, there was _a lot _of party cleaning up to do and neither Kurt nor Jim could sleep in a dirty house, it was something they mostly appreciated of each other, but now was an annoying habit. Every other person would convince their partner it could wait a day, but not Kurt or Jim.

So it was well into the morning that Kurt and Jim finally collapsed on their bed, only their fingers tangled together, bodies too tired to find one another and Kurt fell into a deep sleep before he could even think about anything anymore.

He did fall asleep with a big smile on his face though, and that was how he woke up as well, only now he was curled into big spoon Jim and he had to free himself by literally peeling Jim's arms off him.

He took a quick glance at the alarm clock on his nightstand, and thought it would be a good idea to set the table for brunch.

He quickly texted Blaine, asking if he and Wes were coming too, before he found his shoes and retrieved from the apartment in wrinkled clothes, to get croissants and what else delicious.

It was a festive day and he would spend it with the people he loved most. His dad, his stepmom and –brother, his lover and _Blaine _and somehow, Wes had crept into that list as well.

When Kurt got back to the apartment later, he found Puck and Finn still sleeping unbothered on the couch, Finn sprawled wide over it, one leg thrown all over Puck and an arm spread over Puck's face. Not that Puck seemed to notice, though, he was snoring loudly as one both his arms and legs hung over the edge of the couch and the other arm clung desperately to Finn as if not wanting to fall off.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Brunch.

A combination between breakfast and lunch.

Secretly, this was just breakfast as everybody but Kurt, Blaine and Wes and Jim were still in their pajama's. And the only reason Jim wasn't, was because he fell asleep in his clothes that morning.

So, breakfast was served at the tiny cramped table with way too much people on it and everybody was enjoying the delicious croissants, rolls and muffins Kurt had bought at the bakery down the street.

Everybody but Finn were enjoying their coffees, Finn was enjoying his hot chocolate with whipped cream on the top ("It's summer, Finn").

There was loud chattering going on, almost as loud as the night before, and Kurt was doing his very best to keep his two legs as far from each other as possible, because Jim's hand was on one knee and Blaine's was on the other. He couldn't bring himself to pry Blaine's hand off his knee and he did not want to have Jim finding out about their affair through feeling Blaine's hand on Kurt's knee.

Just, no, not the way.

Both hands left his knee, though, when a _very _distraught looking Santana Lopez walked into the room.

"Couldn't anyone be decent enough to wake me?"

She asked it in her high-school bitch voice and Kurt smiled despite himself. He'd missed the real Santana.

"We would've, if we'd known you were here," he answered, "where the hell did you sleep?"

"Bathtub," she answered and dragged the piano seat over to the table so she could join them, cramming herself in between Finn and Burt.

Santana helped herself to a sausage roll, Blaine's hand found Kurt's knee again but Jim's hand stayed absent.

Until Jim's hand grabbed Kurt's hand.

And Jim was on his knees.

And what the hell.

And all the noise stopped.

And Kurt's fork dropped.

And Blain's hand left his knee.

Why did Blaine's hand leave his knee? He looked over to Blaine.

Looked back to Jim.

Oh, that's why. Because Jim was holding a beautiful golden ring out to him in a beautiful golden box.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. Man of my dreams, owner of my heart. I am so, _so _proud of you. I'm proud of your collection, I'm proud you graduated and I'm proud for everything you do for your best friend who's ill. About three years ago I literally fell for you, and there hasn't been a day since that I don't think of you. I miss you five minutes after I've left for work and I miss you even when we're in the same bed and you sleep and I don't. I love you like I have never loved anyone in my life. You're it, you're my companion and I want to be with you forever. I want to provide you with everything, but most of all with love. I will love you for as long as you will let me and I want to be with you in every possible way. I remember jumping of joy a few years back, when I realized that one day I would get to do this, that one day it would be legal for me to do this and I knew I'd find someone amazing, breathtaking talented and beautiful and I found you. I found you and I want to do this with you, so I'm asking you, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, man of my dreams, owner of my heart, will you do me the great honor of marrying me?"

Tears.

He should say yes, he would be crazy to not say yes.

He looked around, first to Santana and Puck, slightly amused to find Puck's eyes tear filled and Santana's mouth agape.

Then to his dad, Wes and Finn. His dad looked _proud. _Actually proud.

Finn must've been sitting in the same position since Jim got down on his knees, because his fork was still right before his open mouth and his eyes were wide, whereas Wes was looking horrified.

Why was Wes looking horrified.

"He knows."

It was barely a whisper, but Kurt shot his head to see Carole and Blaine nonetheless.

They knew, they were the three that knew why Kurt could not just say yes. Yes, I do. I do want to marry you.

And he wanted to marry Jim. So badly he wanted to marry Jim, to tell the world he was engaged to this gorgeous man who happened to be an excellent teacher.

He turned back to Jim and Jim had not taken his eyes off of Kurt.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"_It was still amazing. I mean, I flew on a plain for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sang on a Broadway stage."_

"_I love you."_

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

Yup, that was the look Jim was giving Kurt right now.

He had just asked Kurt to marry him and now he was looking at Kurt as if he had _just fell out of heaven._

Kurt remembered that moment quite vividly. When Blaine had told him he loved him, shocked Kurt and Kurt couldn't really form a coherent response.

What had he done again?

_Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year._

Oh yes, he quickly said he loved him back and changed to subject. Oh, and Sam and Mercedes had walked in.

He eyed the door hopefully, but of course neither of them would come walking in.

If only Santana had waited fifteen minutes longer with waking up in the bathtub.

He needed to change the subject.

"I'm taking Blaine to Europe."

Smart, Kurt, very smart.

"What?" Jim looked confused and Kurt almost winced as Blaine's hand flew back to his knee and squeezed it _hard._

He looked around to everyone, who now all mimicked Finn's wide eyes and open mouth.

"What?" Jim said, sounding… Kurt didn't know what he sounded like. It wasn't even hurt.

"I'm taking Blaine to Europe. Have you seen him? He's paler and skinnier than ever. I want to marry you, Jim, someday. Right now, though, I have to take Blaine to Europe before he dies. I have to."

"What does that have to do with my proposal?"

Jim whispered so no one else could hear them and Blaine squeezed his knee harder.

What did Blaine want? Did he want him to say yes? To stop talking all together?

"I love you, Jim, I love you and I want to marry you. Only, right now other aspects of my life have a bigger meaning, a bigger influence. I'm about to lose my best friend and I'm kind of focusing on that. I love you and I want to marry you. It's just, and I am truly and terribly sorry for this, not the moment."

Jim nodded, got up and kissed Kurt lightly on his lips.

"I get it," he whispered, and then turned to the group at the table.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a walk in Central Park and cry my eyes out."

Kurt reached for his hand, but felt Blaine squeeze his knee again as Jim jerked his hand away from Kurt's.

"Just… let me for a while, okay?"

Jim sounded broken, but Kurt let him anyway. Jim was strong, he'd come around.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

It was not more than four days later than Jim had an arm slung around Kurt as they walked towards security on JFK Airport.

It had all gone really fast when Jim came back. His dad and Carole decided to leave early and Finn and Puck headed home a day later, all four eager to leave the tension in the house behind them.

Kurt went online to purchase tickets and contact a friend of his in Amsterdam. They'd fly there first, hang out for a week, visit a few cities and fly back from Barcelona with a three day lay-over in London.

Kurt, however, was not so eager to leave anymore since that disastrous brunch.

He wanted to spend every minute he could by Jim's side, telling him how much he loved him and that _no I didn't turn you down _and _yes, I'll wear the ring proudly when I'm ready for it._

Jim, on the other hand, told Kurt to leave.

Leave and show Blaine the awesomeness that is Europe.

Blaine, wisely, stayed clear of the two lovers.

Even now he was walking three feet behind them, not next to them. It had hurt him above and beyond when Jim asked Kurt.

He knew Kurt should've said yes, not 'I'm taking Blaine to Europe.'

But he had said that and Kurt was a man of his word.

So here they were, at the airport, about to pass security and Blaine hated to witness the uncomfortable look that Jim and Kurt shared.

"You sure you're okay with this? I could still stay here, I don't have to leave you know."

"No, baby, you can't. You've already promised Maartje you would come, she's so looking forward to it and you deserve some fun time with Blaine. You were right, you're about to lose him and you should spend as much time with him as you can."

If only Jim knew what he was saying now.

"I still don't think it is a proper reason to say no, but it is to you and that's what matters. When the time is there we'll be engaged and we'll get married. You saying no the first time isn't going to stop me, you know."

He ended it with a smirk and a wink, before kissing Kurt on the nose.

"I love you, now go and see your Dutch friends again."

Another kiss and Kurt was unbuckling his belt, taking of his necklace and putting it in a tray in order to pass security.

Blaine and Jim stood awkward for a while, not knowing how to say goodbye for three weeks, when Jim pulled him in an uncomfortable hug.

"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered but Jim hushed him.

"There's no need to be sorry, we'll be just fine."

Blaine pulled back and nodded.

"And remember Kurt's most important Europe-lesson: Do not call them Europeans when you're there. Call them Dutch, English, French or whatever, but do not call them Europeans."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'When Susannah Cries' by Espen Lind.  
><em>

_I feel like I have to end this chapter with an apology to two great friends of mine. __  
>First off, honeys, I'm sorry I stole your<em>_ guys'__ apartment to use in this story.__  
>Second, I'm sorry I stole your proposal scene as well and I'm happy yours ended better than Kurt and Jim's :)!<em> _Also, thank you that you thought me a close enoug__h friend to witness it!_


	17. You Felt Like It's Hopeless

_**Baby, you're not alone**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Blaine was lost on the airport in Amsterdam.<p>

Well, not actually lost because there were signs of where to go, all in English and Kurt was walking right next to him, holding his hand firmly, but he was lost as in _why the heck am I here?_

Kurt had made all these wonderful plans, they were staying at Maartje's (or whatever her name was) place. She was an old friend of Kurt's from when he lived here, his roommate or something.

Or at least, they shared a house and each had their own room and Kurt had been spending a great amount of time now in telling Blaine how much he was actually looking forward to seeing her again. She was, in Kurt's word, _amazing._

So Blaine felt like a fifth wheel.

Especially after they had retrieved their bags, walked out into the arrivals hall and he heard Kurt and someone in the crowd squeak and run to each ither, Kurt lifting the girl up and spinning her around as if she was a long lost sibling.

Which, in a way, she probably was to Kurt. She'd been the one to take Kurt under his wing when he first arrived in Amsterdam, Blaine knew as much and she was everything Kurt had described her to be.

She was small, slim, had golden brown hair that fell just over her shoulders and she had this _motherly _look over her, kind of like Carole had, only Maartje was way younger.

Blaine understood Kurt had taken an immediate liking of the girl, but Blaine just felt lost as he watched them taking each other in, complaining about Kurt not looking rested enough and Kurt gushing over how she positively glowed from motherhood.

It was a good five minutes before Kurt even thought of Blaine being there at all, it even took Maartje to ask him to introduce his 'gorgeous little friend'.

"You must be Jim," she said and held out her hand for Blaine to take.

Blaine just looked at the hand and then glared at Kurt.

"Uhm, actually," started Kurt hesitantly, "This is Blaine."

Maartje's head snapped to Kurt, obviously confused and something else Blaine couldn't quite place.

"The one you cried so hard over when you were here?"

Kurt smiled sadly.

"That's the one."

"And you're here with him and you tell me you're taking a gorgeous man with you?"

Kurt smiled sadly still.

"Well, he is," he stated.

Maartje now looked back at Blaine.

"I trust Kurt has good reason to bring you here, though I'd rather rip your head of I won't. Just don't make him cry like that _ever again."_

And yes, that was not really the greatest way to start his trip through Europe.

"And you should grow your fro back, I liked your curls way better than this."

Blaine smiled.

"He's got cancer, Maartje, weak spot."

But Blaine waved it away, he liked Maartje's protectiveness of Kurt, and maybe her boldness as well. He'd heard Dutch people could be rude, hard maybe, but Kurt had always described them as plain honest an bold.

"It's okay, Kurt, she couldn't know," he said and took the hand she was still holding out for him.

"I'm Blaine," he said, "the guy who once broke Kurt's and his own heart, you must be Maartje, the girl who helped him through it. I've heard so much about you."

Maartje grinned.

"You say my name just as funny as Kurt did in the beginning, and I've heard a lot about you, too. Not all good though."

And yes, he still thought he was intruding in this reunion between Kurt and Maartje (and seriously, how do people even pronounce that name!), but he thought Maartje would make him feel welcome.

"So," she started when they were in the car and on their way to her home in a city about half an hour away from Amsterdam, "cancer, huh, what exactly is going on?"

And Kurt, who sat in the front seat, explained everything to Maartje and at the end of Kurt's story she sat with tears in her eyes and reached back to touch Blaine's knee.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

It took ten more silent minutes after that, before they found a parking spot in front of Maartje's house and she apologized for the mess as they walked in.

Inside they met Maartje's husband, who barely spoke a word English and after introducing himself settled on the couch and Maartje excused for him, saying he did not really feel comfortable having English speaking people around.

They settled at the dinner table for a cup of tea, when a woman around Carole's age walked in with a two year old on her arm, who lit up at the sight of Maartje.

"Mama!" He squeeked and Blaine laughed.

Blaine loved little children, he wished so badly he could've been a father some day.

Only, baby's apparently didn't think Blaine was all that awesome, or Kurt for that matter, because as soon as his grandma put him to the ground he hid behind he mother and asked her, very quietly, in Dutch, who those people were.

What she told him Blaine couldn't understand, but she pointed towards Kurt and said his name and to this the little boy nodded.

Blaine took it on himself to play with the little boy for a while, allowing Kurt and Maartje to catch up, but it didn't take long before exhaustion took over.

"Is there anywhere I can sleep?"

Maartje immediately jumped to her feet.

"Sure, you need sleep. Jetlag and all."

She looked at Kurt and frowned.

"I only made one bed, assuming you were taking Jim with you, is that still okay?"

Kurt nodded and they followed her upstairs, neither of them noticing her suspicious smile.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

When Blaine woke up two hours later he felt better, until he noticed Kurt wasn't in the bed with him anymore.

So, he walked downstairs to find Kurt and Maartje sitting at the table once more, only when he heard what they were talking about he stopped dead in his tracks, not wanting to intrude.

"… and never stopped."

"What about Jim, though?"

"I love him, too."

"But you love Blaine more?"

"No, god no."

And Blaine wanted to run, because hearing that tore him apart. He knew about Jim and he knew Kurt loved Jim beyond anything and everything, but hearing it said like that hurt.

The kind of hurt that shatters you, breaks you and leaves you with nothing but emptiness.

"You love Jim more?"

Blaine was nailed to the ground. How much he wanted to run, hide, or even flee, he was nailed to the ground.

"I love them both, equally as much."

"I see."

And then hell broke loose. Or at least, it felt like that to Blaine.

Maartje's son said something Dutch and the next thing Blaine knew the door was pulled open and he was face to face with Maartje.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Hours later, Kurt found Blaine sitting in a park not that far away from the house. He'd been trying to get a hold of Blaine since he ran out of the house, but their cell phones weren't working here.

Stupid cell phones.

Blaine was curled up under a tree, softly crying and he startled when he felt Kurt's hand on his knee.

"It's okay, it's me," Kurt said, but Blaine didn't seem comforted at all.

"I don't know how much you overheard, baby, but it's okay, I'm not mad at you for eavesdropping."

Blaine's eyes went wide.

"You think that's what I ran for? Afraid you'd be mad at me?"

Kurt now looked confused, because that's exactly what he'd been thinking.

"I wanted to get away from you, as I'm only a burden."

"What! Blaine Anderson, you are most definitely not a burden."

Blaine shrugged and sniffed quietly.

"I am, though, you were perfectly happy with Jim and here I come waltzing back into your life with my stupid cancer, making you love me and lose me again and going through a hard time because you love Jim as well. I should've never come to you."

"I'm happy you did, I wouldn't want to miss this for the world."

"But your friend thought I was Jim, she was expecting you to take Jim. Everybody was expecting you to say yes to his proposal. You guys are properly happy and I'm ruining that for you."

Kurt wanted to scream, yell, or whatever, but he only pulled Blaine close and kissed to top of his head.

"I love you, Blaine Anderson, I love taking care of you. This is a fucked up situation, it is, but I swear it when I say I wouldn't want to miss it. I wouldn't want to miss you. I know I'm losing you, and I know thing would've been easier for me if you hadn't come back in my life, but you contacted me for a reason and this is that reason. So we could spend our final time together and look back with no regrets. I would regret it if we weren't doing this, I would lament every moment we could've shared. I love you, Blaine Anderson."

"I'm pathetic."

"Blaine, you have to stop this."

"No, I mean it. I love you, too, Kurt, but it's just pathetic that you're the only person I _could _contact, the only person that would care about me enough to do this for me. If I had had any friends of my own, if I hadn't pushed everyone away then I wouldn't have needed you to take care of me. But no one cares about me. I'm pathetic."

Kurt's lips curled up in a sad smile.

"Wes turned down a great movie deal three weeks ago, you know that?"

He purposely neglected to mention he got that bit of information from Jim.

"Santana slept in a bathtub."

And he didn't know if Blaine really _knew _what that meant.

"And Noah Puckerman jumped in front of you when my dad was trying to reach you."

"I'm pathetic."

"Wes turned down a great movie deal because he can't bear to leave the city and be away from you, because he would never forgive himself if you would die before he got back. Santana, I hadn't even invited her to my party, hadn't spoken to her in years, but Noah called her the morning of the show telling her about you and she came all the way from New Jersey to see you. She slept in a fucking bathtub because she wanted to make sure you were still there in the morning. You know she calls every day and asks me how you are? When I offer her to give the phone to you she doesn't want to talk to you, because she's afraid she'll just start crying. She was your best friend during our senior year, Blaine. And Noah Puckerman protected you from my dad, he's always been afraid of my dad. Also, he thought to call Santana the minute he heard about you. Because he knows she'll want to be there, and because he knows well enough how much you need your best friend."

"So what do we do now?"

Blaine sounded broken, but a little less hollow.

"We get on that bicycle over there, buy some nice chocolate and flowers to thank Maartje for letting us stay, and tomorrow we'll take the train to Amsterdam and I'll show you around."

"What about the rest of the trip?"

"Whatever you want, Blaine."

"I think I want to stay here for a week, then maybe go see a show in London and get back home. I'm not really up for a great big tour, I'm more tired than I expected."

"We'll see if we can rebook the flight tomorrow."

Kurt didn't mind, he really didn't. This was Blaine's wish, Blaine's moment, Blaine's trip and he'd do anything Blaine wanted right now.

"Uh, Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"Are you aware that there is only one bicycle?"

Kurt smiled.

"Ah, yes, you see, you wanted me to introduce you to the Dutch life. Here, we cycle with people on the carrier. Just jump on while I'm cycling and hold on to me."

"I don't think I can do that."

"Well, it's another thing to scrape of your bucket list."

"True."

"Okay, so let's go."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Not Alone' by Darren Criss_

_You can now follow me on tumblr beatlebun. tumblr. com_

_Please go there and follow me if you have tumblr :). I just wrote a blog that is very near to my heart, about Chris reaching 1,000,000 followers. I would love for it to get more widely known but I only have three followers thus far and nobody's reblogging, so please help me ;)._


	18. A New Fantastic Point of View

_**No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Heaven.<p>

As far as heaven went, that is. The air was cleared between them. There still was the guilt and the question if this really was the best idea, but there was no one to tell them no.

No one to tell them they were making a mistake. Or at least, no one _was _telling them that.

Only Kurt's friend with the impossible name knew and she even supported them, told them she understood and made sure they had the house to themselves for two nights.

Blaine quickly fell in love with the young mom, who cooked for them every night, gave them tips of where to go and what to do and showed them around the city where Kurt had also never lived.

They had taken the train to Amsterdam one day, walked around Utrecht for two days (which was the city where they were staying) and now they were in a train towards the 'Efteling' and Blaine had never seen Kurt this excited.

"It's just a theme park, Kurt," Blaine said, he actually had enough of theme parks after performing in them every summer during high school.

But Kurt turned his head to look at Blaine, almost insulted.

"This is not just a theme park, Blaine, this is a fairytale, dream come true park!"

Blaine laughed.

"I can't see what's so amazing about a theme park."

But OH. MY. GOD.

The Efteling was the most gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, lovely theme park Blaine had ever been to.

Everything Blaine had ever dreamed of was there, every fairytale was represented in what they called 'The Fairytale Forest', and Blaine and Kurt saw each and every one of them.

They saw Snow white and the seven dwarfs, they saw Cinderella, they saw it all.

Every ride in the theme park was linked to a legend, a fairytale or old stories. There was a ride called 'The Flying Dutchman', it was really a rollercoaster, but the queue alone was gorgeous, as if you were walking through an ancient house, Davy Jones's freaking ship or something.

And then you had 'Joris and the Dragon' and Blaine was amazed, even the soda machine was covered in a beautiful wooden ancient looking thing, instead of just a planted soda machine just the way it is like they do in Six Flags.

Yes, it was amazing and everything was beautiful. No freaking flaw to be found, and Blaine felt himself in heaven.

Because not only were all the rides so amazing, and was the Fairytale Forest a dream come true, he was also there with Kurt.

Kurt, who held his hand all day.

Kurt, who gave him quick kisses before the ride would start.

Kurt, who kissed his nose and licked of the candy fluff that Blaine ate.

Kurt, whom he loved more than life itself.

"I love you," he whispered in Kurt's ear as they were cuddled close in a dark room where some Dutch legend was being told, waiting for the 'Villa Volta' ride to start.

He felt Kurt smile against his cheek.

"I love you more."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Thank you, Kurt, that was the most amazing day I've ever had."

Kurt smiled. They were seated in a bus on their way to Den Bosch, the city where they had to take the train to Maartje's place again.

Only, Kurt decided it was better if they went for something to eat in this city, because Blaine's paleness did not go unnoticed by him.

Maybe the rollercoaster rides had not been such a good idea, what with Blaine's lung and all.

So, they go for dinner at a small pizza place Kurt knew from the last time he visited this place, and he keeps a close watch on Blaine.

He became a little less pale, but remained rather quiet and sort of slow and absent.

After dinner, they took the train back to the city and agreed to meet up with some of Kurt's friends in a pub in the city.

Blaine orders a glass of red wine.

And another one.

And another one.

"Maybe you should stop, baby, I don't feel like carrying you home tonight."

Blaine smiles.

"Just one more, drunken love making can be pretty amazing."

And who is Kurt to deny that? He's had drunken orgasms before (though not with Blaine) and he has to admit, they high can feel even higher. And emotions get stronger with alcohol, so also the love he feels.

Also, Blaine becomes sloppy with alcohol and Kurt does not mind.

Blaine licks his ear, in the middle of a pub and he breathes heavy.

"I love the Netherlands, we've been acting lovey dovey all week and no one cares."

"People care, Blaine."

Blaine looks around through drunken, glassy eyes.

"No one in here does."

"No, this pub is pretty liberal, that's why Maartje pointed it out."

Blaine nods.

"So I can kiss you here?"

Kurt looks at his friends, who are involved in a thorough discussion about one thing or another. They're speaking Dutch, so obviously they don't mind if Kurt doesn't involve himself in the conversation.

"Yes, you can kiss me here."

And with that, Blaine's lips are on his, sloppy, wet and unstable, but they still are Blaine's lips and Kurt melts into them.

The kiss becomes sloppier, but hotter, wetter and needier. Kurt feels himself being pulled of the stool he sits on and Blaine breaks the kiss.

"Restroom, now," he growls lowly into Kurt's ear and maybe it's the wine, but probably just the fact that it is Blaine and Kurt follows.

He allows Blaine to pull him into a stall, unzip both their pants with one hand, the other roaming Kurt's upper body.

He allows Blaine to take his dick in his hand and start to pump it slowly, while kissing sloppy but passionately.

A few moments Kurt just revels in the fact that he's here, in a stall with Blaine jerking him off, before he comes to his senses enough to reach down and start pumping Blaine as well.

They stay like that for a long time, but the wetter the kisses get, the more Kurt wants to feel Blaine's cock in his mouth.

"Let me suck you," he whispers, before clumsily falling to his knees, trying to find a comfortable position in the small stall.

When he has found one, he licks a long, wet trail along the base of Blaine's dick, before taking him in his mouth completely.

No teasing, just sucking Blaine hard.

And long, because he's drunk and it takes longer and oh the sounds Blaine makes keep Kurt's dick rock hard as well.

"Let me fuck you."

Kurt's eyes snap open and his dick twitches, that rough voice on Blaine is so fucking hot.

"We have no lube or condoms," he says around Blaine's cock.

"We're both clean."

"What about lube, though?"

And maybe Kurt is a little less drunk than Blaine is, because Blaine doesn't seem to care.

"Just stretch yourself and keep my dick wet."

And well, that sounds like a plan. Though Kurt will make Blaine lick his hole wet before he will be allowed to enter it.

Blaine immediately obliges when Kurt tells him so and Kurt quickly falls completely apart, begging for Blaine to be inside him.

Kurt faces the door of the small stall and Blaine fucks him up against it, slow at first but hard and steady soon.

Kurt wonders for a second if people will hear the slamming of skin against skin, or the banging of a body against a door, but then Blaine's dick touches that spot.

And he doesn't have to care if people hear anymore.

"BLAINE!" he screams.

"THERE. DON'T STOP."

Blaine bites his neck, before whispering 'never'.

And how can Blaine even whisper right now, when all Kurt can do is scream incoherent things like 'AAAH' and 'YEAAH' and 'FUCK'.

And then he comes, without warning , without even touching his dick his cum is spread all over the door and his shirt and thank god his vest is crawled up so he can cover it.

And the clenching of Kurt's tight hole causes Blaine to reach his high as well, biting down hard on Kurt's neck while making the most amazing growling sounds.

Blaine pulls out and Kurt hears him fall down on the toilet seat with a thud.

Then, he hears another thud and turns around.

Blaine's head leans against the wall and his eyes are closed. Kurt has never seen Blaine this pale, even after chemo's he hasn't.

"Blaine?" he whispers softly.

No response.

"Blaine?" he asks louder.

Still, no response.

"BLAINE!"

"Oh nee, niet nog een keer."

It comes from the other side of the door and Kurt comes to his senses, he's in a bathroom stall in a Dutch pub with an unconscious lover and he knows enough Dutch to know that there is a person on the other side of the door who's heard every fucking thing.

He also knows that people can pass out from an orgasm, but Blaine has been out for about a minute now and that can't be good and he also thinks that if people pass out from orgasms that they must come to their senses when someone shakes them.

Blaine doesn't wake.

There's loud knocking on the door and someone yells something in Dutch, probably that they need the stall and Kurt quickly tugs his dick back in his pants, zips it up and does the same with Blaine.

Then he opens the door and finds one of his friends on the other side of the door.

"Blaine passed out."

His friend looks confused.

"Please, he passed out."

His friend still looks confused.

"That was you having sex in there? I thought Blaine was just a friend."

"We're having an affair, long story, we have to get him to the hospital, I'll explain it when we get there."

Frankly, at this point Kurt didn't care if anyone else found out about them, he just needed to get Blaine to the nearest hospital and make sure he was okay. What if he was getting more and more ill and Kurt had let him go on rollercoaster rides, had let him drink?

His friend saw the panic in his eyes and put a hand to his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Kurt, we'll take him home so he can sleep it off. He probably just drank to much."

Kurt shook his head.

"He's got cancer and he won't wake up, we have to get him to a hospital."

With that, his friend rushed around him and picked Blaine up, which Kurt was happy for because he wasn't sure if his legs would hold him up while carrying Blaine.

His friend carried Blaine through the crowd in the pub and Kurt wanted to punch people, because people were laughing, probably whispering that he was stupid from drinking so damn much.

His other friend came rushing behind them and Kurt was so freaking happy they had come with a car and that she was still sober, the designated driver.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"It's just the alcohol that made his body weaker. We made a scan, but we can't be sure if his tumor has grown because we have no file of how it was after his surgery. Today was a particularly hard day for him, he probably did too much and that caused him to pass out."

Kurt nodded.

"Just to be sure, we have to know if there is anything in particular he passed out from, because if it happened out of the blue we have to do some more tests."

Kurt softly chuckled.

"He passed out after an orgasm," he answered.

The doctor smiled as well.

"I'd say no sex for the next two days, also to take it slow and just lay in bed for a while. He has a serious illness. When you get back, please visit his oncologist as soon as possible, it is important to know if the treatment worked."

Kurt made a note to himself to send a text to Jim, so Jim could fix an appointment.

"Can I see him now?"

"Even better," the doctor smiled, "you can take him home with you."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin._

_University sucks, writers block sucks. Glee marathon is nice, wine is nice, writing while drunk sucks. I thought I wrote this amazing chapter, I read it again the following morning, I wrote the fucking thing in Dutch. Woops. But, here is the better version!_


	19. Lost Myself Again and I Feel Unsafe

_**There's no one else to blame**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>They make it home sooner than they imagined. Blaine never really recovered from the incident, physically he is exhausted, mentally he's collapsed.<p>

The fact that he can't even have a normal day out any more hits him hard, reality hits him even harder every time he looks in a mirror.

He's bald, completely bald and he's pale all the time. His cheekbones are visible better than every before and it's not in a good 'you have such gorgeous cheekbones' kind of way, it's in the 'you look like you've lost way too much weight' kind of way, and maybe he has.

He's tired all the time, though he wants to live life to the fullest, he can't anymore. They did not even have sex until the day they flew back home, two and a half weeks earlier than meant to be.

Maartje had hugged them both goodbye and promised to visit in New York soon, and Blaine noticed that the kiss to his cheek was longer, more loving than the one she pressed to Kurt's cheek and at first he had thought that was weird, because she was Kurt's friend and not his, but then he had another hit by reality because she kissed him like that as a goodbye, as a 'I'm not sure if I'll see you before your funeral' kind of way.

And he realized that just as the plane took off from the ground, that moment where your ears pop and Blaine cried like a baby, because he was tired and exhausted and he _didn't want to die. _

Kurt was there. Kurt was always there.

Holding his hand, squeezing it gently, pressing his head to his chest and kissing his hair.

So long as they were on that plane Kurt would be there, but as soon as they would set foot to American ground, Jim would be there also and Blaine cried harder.

The realization of Jim's existence hits him harder than anything ever before. The Jim he's so grateful for, the Jim who let him in his house and the Jim who befriended him despite his past with Kurt.

Jim, who is such an amazing boyfriend for Kurt, Jim who's supposed to be Kurt's fucking fiancée, because Kurt should've said yes.

"You have to say yes," he therefore says right before they enter the apartment.

"You have to find Jim and tell him yes, you'll marry him."

Kurt turns the key in the lock and carries both their suitcases in.

"I can't say that, Blaine, you know why I can't."

But you can, Blaine thinks, you can because you love him and you want to be with him always.

"Why can't you?" He asks instead.

"Because I love you as much as him, it wouldn't be fair to marry him when he doesn't have all my heart."

Maybe it makes sense, but still, Kurt has to marry Jim. Blaine has to be sure Kurt is happy before he dies.

"Then we'll stop this _affair thing _that we've got going, so you don't feel guilty."

They reach Blaine's bedroom and Blaine lies down, even climbing three sets of stairs exhausts him.

"If we stop this I'll still feel it, it still won't be right."

"I'M DYING FOR FUCKS SAKE, YOU'LL LOSE ME ANYWAY AND YOU LOVE HIM STILL. MARRY THE FUCKING GUY ALREADY."

Kurt just looks. He says nothing, but he turns around and walks out of the room.

"I think you need sleep," he whispers before he closes the door of the room behind him.

When Kurt reaches the living room he finds the little box with the ring inside it sitting at the coffee table.

He grabs it and opens it, before falling on the couch and allowing the tears to stream down his face.

He knows he's fucked everything up by loving Blaine, he knows this but he can't stop it.

Because it's _Blaine _and it's _Jim _and there's just no choosing between them, they are the loves of his life.

And how is he supposed to choose, how is he supposed to know what is best for him when not even Carole or Maartje can tell him, when they know what is going on and can't tell him 'you're wrong, Kurt, you shouldn't do this.'

Why should he know what to do, when outsiders can't tell him if it's wright or wrong?

Who should he turn to?

And for the first time in years Kurt allows himself to miss his mom, to really miss her, not just her smell or the way she laughed because he misses her every day.

He allows himself to cry over the fact he hasn't got a mom to call and ask what's best for him.

Tell me what's best.

Tell me, mommy, tell me what's best.

Is it really so wrong to want two people at once? Is it really?

He doesn't even notice how he's playing with the ring inside the box, while his chest aches for the smell of his mom and he wishes he remembered her voice, so he could pretend she was talking to him.

He wishes there was someone in this world who could tell him what she would say.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I've fucked up. So bad."

"_Wow, calm your language, what's wrong?"_

"I've fucked up that's wrong."

"_Kurt, are you crying?"_

"Yes."

"_Okay, forget the language, what's going on?"_

"I said no to Jim."

"_I know you did, I was there."_

"Are you disappointed in me?"

"_It was your decision, Kurt, I am in no position to judge. And I'll always be on your side."_

"What if I said I was having an affair?"

"_I know you are."_

"How do you know?"

"_Parents always know."_

"What should I do?"

"_I can't tell you what to do."_

"Well, I'm asking."

"_Please, Kurt, as I said, it's your decision."_

"But I'm losing Blaine anyway."

"_Yes, you are."_

"What would you have done?"

"_What would I have done when?"_

"If it were mom and Carole. If you had met Carole during your break up with mom and then you heard she was dying, what would you have done?"

"_I have no idea, buddy."_

"And if mom came back now, what would you do?"

"_She's not coming back, Kurt, and neither is Blaine when he's really gone."_

"I know. Really, I know."

"_Kurt?"_

"Yes?"

"_Just be strong, do what you feel is best."_

"That's the problem, I don't know what's best. I need someone to tell me what's best."

"_What exactly do you want from me, Kurt?"_

"Can you tell me what mom would've said if she was still here?"

"_To follow your heart."_

"They both have all my heart."

"_Then follow it."_

"To both of them?"

"_To both of them."_

"Thank you."

"_Kurt?"_

"Yes?"

"_Take care. I love you, okay, call me whenever."_

"Thank you, dad. I love you. I will call you."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

He puts his phone away and lifts the little box, taking out the ring and he places it on his finger.

It fits him perfectly, and it's gorgeous.

He will say yes, because it feels right. He wants to marry Jim, spend his entire life with Jim.

He will say yes.

But, he will also love Blaine until the end.

And maybe he doesn't even have to feel so guilty because Blaine's body is way to fragile to even have sex at the moment and he knows it is wrong to think that way because cheating does not only lie in sex itself.

It lies in how he feels about Blaine and that won't change, but he can't change that so why run away? He can't change anything about the situation.

He's going to tell Blaine, he's going to tell Blaine he'll marry Jim.

He gets up and walks over to Blaine's room, where Blaine is sleeping sweetly and Kurt wonders for a moment if it's a good idea to wake him, but he has to before Jim comes home because he needs Blaine to hear it from him, not from a cheering Jim.

So he lies down next to Blaine, softly stroking his hair and kissing his cheek.

"Wake up."

Blaine lifts his eyelids lazily.

"What?" he asks, sounding slightly annoyed.

"I will."

"What?" he asks again.

"I will, I will marry Jim."

Blaine now turned to face Kurt.

"That's what you woke me for?"

"Yes, I wanted you to hear it from me, not from a cheering Jim."

Blaine nods.

"What about us?" he asks and Kurt notices the shake in his voice that indicates Blaine doesn't really want to know the answer.

"I'll always love you," Kurt says and he know it sounds sappy and cheesy, but it's true and Blaine needs to know it is.

"I don't know what the future holds for us, but the way you feel right now indicates the treatment didn't really work and if that is true you'll get sicker by the day. I don't really want to think about that, but it could be true and we have to consider every option, every situation that can come from this. I will love you until the end and you will not die alone, Blaine, I promise you I'll be there."

He really, really doesn't want to cry anymore, but Blaine's tears are infectious and so his tears start flowing as well.

"I love you, Kurt."

"I love you, Blaine."

And it's only been three weeks since they were locked up in a closet in Ikea, and here they were, practically saying goodbye to each other.

"Can you hold me?"

Of course Kurt can hold Blaine, he will always hold Blaine when Blaine asks for it, when Blaine needs it.

"I love you."

"I need you."

"I want you."

It's like it's a contest, who can say the strongest thing, who can say the thing that captivates their feelings?

"Make love to me."

"Are you sure?"

"Always."

Kurt squeezes Blaine just a little closer.

"You're ill Blaine, and tired, and you're probably in a lot of pain. I know you want to be close to me but you have to be sure your body can handle it."

"I'll let you know when it's too much. I can't top, I think, though."

Kurt kisses the top of Blaine's head, before he repositions himself in the bed so he can access Blaine's lips.

"I'm so afraid this is going to be the last time I can do this," Blaine says, because he feels his body getting weaker, he does and he knows he doesn't need his Friday morning appointment with the oncologist to tell him his treatment did not work, but he can't tell Kurt.

He's going to die within weeks and he knows it.

"So afraid," Kurt repeats Blaine's words and holds him closer than he probably ever held anyone before, except maybe his mother when they had to say goodbye.

They stay like that for way too short, because they need more, they need skin on skin. Even if the skin is more sensitive than ever before, even if the skin is dry and pale and if there are no familiar hairs on the skin, they need it and soon their clothes are scattered on the floor and they are completely naked and pressed close, not moving because Blaine is far too exhausted to move from the long trip and the emotions of what they are feeling.

But Kurt still has a healthy and strong body and his nakedness pressed against Blaine's gets the best of him as he starts to slowly rock his body against Blaine and it's enough, he doesn't need Blaine inside him or to be inside of Blaine, just being pressed close and slowly rocking is sensation enough, while the thickness of realization wraps around them.

Realization of the fact they are losing.

Losing life.

Losing love.

Losing, losing, losing.

"Kurt! Are you home? Why didn't you call me?"

Two pairs of eyes snap open, looking at each other and realization hits them yet again.

Realization that it's too late.

If Kurt will let go of Blaine, Blaine will fall of the bed and the door of the room is still open and they hear Jim come closer on his way to the living room.

And then he is there, his eyes wide and looking at Blaine's naked back, naked butt, at Kurt's naked leg draped over it and Kurt's naked arms pressed tightly against Blaine's naked back.

He flees into the living room and Kurt wants to follow him, but that first proceeds a naked dance, scooting Blaine further onto the bed and Kurt has to climb over him to get out of it, because it's a small bed and it's put up against the wall, so there's only one side where you can actually get out of the bed.

He walks towards the door, fully intending of finding Jim, when sweatpants are tossed his way.

"Maybe not the best idea to go talk to him naked," Blaine shrugs, "and please close the door behind you so I can die of shame."

Maybe another day that would've been funny, but now it wasn't because Jim had just found out and Blaine was actually going to die someday soon so 'dying of shame' jokes weren't funny.

No joke was funny at this point.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt was sat on one side of the couch, Jim on the other and they hadn't said a word in three hours now.

_Three fucking hours._

Kurt was sure he'd never experienced a silence quite like this one. They'd gone without talking before, but that had been comfortable silences. Or there would've been music playing.

Kurt could not handle silences.

He just, couldn't.

"I'm leaving."

His head snapped up to Jim. Jim actually said that, it wasn't in his head.

"Don't leave me."

Kurt was begging for Jim to stay, he needed Jim more than he needed air. He loved Jim more than anything, except for Blaine, but he wouldn't say that part aloud.

"I'm not leaving you, silly, I'm just going for a walk to clear my head."

"You're not leaving me?" Kurt asked.

"Of course I'm not."

"After what I just did?"

"I get it."

"How, though?"

"I know you're history with Blaine, Kurt. I get that you wanted to fuck him one last time before he dies."

Kurt's eyes grow wide, wider even then when Blaine had first kissed him all those years back, wider than ever before.

"You think this was a _one time thing?"_

Jim nods.

"Of course it was."

"You think I was _fucking _him?"

"Of course you were."

"I wasn't _fucking _him, Jim, I was making love to him."

And now it's Jim's eyes that grow wide, while his hands clench together so hard his knuckles turn white.

"Making love?" he hisses through his teeth.

"Yes." Kurt says shamefully, casting his eyes to the ground.

Jim jumps off of the couch.

"YOU WERE FUCKING HIM WHILE WEARING THE RING."

Kurt's eyes snap to the ring.

"YOU THOUGHT I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU WERE WEARING IT? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME BECAUSE YOU WERE WEARING IT. THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING HIM, BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE BEFORE COMMITTING TO ME FULLY."

"I love you," he says weakly, because he knows it's not enough. Not nearly enough. Never enough.

"I love you and I do want to marry you, I want to commit to you fully."

"Well, you can't."

Kurt had never heard Jim snap. Ever.

"You can't because your heart's not entirely mine and it probably never will be."

"Please don't do this," Kurt whispers as he tries to reach for Jim's hand, but Jim takes a step back.

"Don't touch me."

He sounds so utterly broken and Kurt wants to hold him, tell him it's okay and I love you and I'll marry you and I'll do anything you ever want and please love me, please love me and forgive me.

Jim still knows Kurt better than Kurt probably knows himself.

"I won't forgive you."

"Can't you try?"

But Jim shakes his head no.

"How can you forgive someone if you do not blame them?"

Wait, what? What is he saying, is he saying that he'll stay? He'll still love Kurt and he doesn't think Kurt did anything wrong, or what?

"I don't blame you for what you did, Kurt, I get it and I think I knew the moment you turned me down and said you'd take Blaine to Europe. I always knew you still had strong feelings for him, even before he came back in our lives you told me that and I could live with it. I thought I could live with having him here, because I knew how important it was for you to be close to him and then I sort of figured out your affair when you turned me down in front of everyone…"

"But if you figured it out then why did you just pretend to think it was a one-time thing?"

Jim shrugged.

"Because that's what I wanted it to be, it would be easier if it was just about sexual tension, not about love. But you love him and you love me and deep down I knew and I thought I could live with it so I pretended nothing was wrong, I pretended you would be loyal to me."

"I wish you wouldn't have to pretend." Kurt whispered.

"Me too, but I can't pretend anymore and you can't hide anymore."

"So what do we do now?"

"I leave."

Jim says it with such finality that Kurt can't argue. He wants to, knows he probably should but he can't.

"It's your house, though."

"I'll stay at Wes's, I'm sure he'll understand."

"So we break up?"

He fights the urge to cover his ears, because Kurt really doesn't want to know what Jim will say next.

"I can't live with you at the moment, so in a way, yes this is a break. I still love you though and I don't know what the future brings."

"Will you wait for me? Or will you look further?"

"I don't know, Kurt."

"I have to know. I have to know if you will want me back once all this is over. I have to what I'm facing in the future."

"At the moment I don't see a future with you, because I don't see your heart ever truly be all mine."

Kurt nods.

"Thank you." He says and lets Jim walk towards the door.

"I'll pick up my stuff when you and Blaine are at the doctor on Friday."

Please don't pick up your stuff, please leave it here so there is hope for you coming back.

"Okay."

When Jim is almost out of the door he says it.

"You want my heart to be truly all yours, but will your heart truly be all someone else's when that someone isn't me?"

Jim smiles sadly.

"No, you will probably always have at least a bit of my heart."

Kurt smiles sadly also and hopes his point comes across.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Song quote at the top is 'Breath me' by Sia_

_This is what happens when there's a storm outside and I can't sleep._


	20. I'm a Sea Without a Shore

**_I can't build you a castle, I can't buy you a ring, I can't see you tonight, so I'll miss you_**

**_._**

* * *

><p>Day one that Jim is gone, Kurt stays inside. The entire day he stays inside, eyeing the door and hoping Jim will come through it.<p>

Then he notices the keys on the table. Jim never took his keys with him.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Day two that Jim is gone is spend in sweatpants and a shirt of Jim, eyeing the phone. He hopes that Jim will call.

Or maybe Wes, just to tell him Jim is okay.

Jim never calls.

Nor does Wes.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Day three that Jim is gone, Kurt hasn't slept for over 72 hours, and he hasn't showered in even longer. The last time he showered was not even in America.

He eyes the door, not really waiting for anything to happen, just eyes it when it opens.

He jumps, he screams Jim's name but it is Blaine that comes through the door.

"You look like crap."

Kurt scoffs.

"You look like Blaine."

"Of course I do, I am Blaine."

"I don't want to see you, I want to see Jim."

Kurt is tired, so fucking tired but he can't sleep, he needs Jim in his life to be able to sleep.

"I know you want to see Jim but he isn't here and we still have a relationship to maintain, you know."

"It cost me Jim."

"He's not coming back then?"

If Kurt hadn't been so exhausted he'd have heard the guilt in Blaine's tone.

"He said he'd pick his stuff up on Friday when we are at the doctors."

Blaine nods.

"Better get your act together then, we have to be there in two hour."

Kurt's eyes snap to Blaine.

"You can't honestly think I'm going with you?"

Blaine shrugs.

"I thought you loved me enough to come with me."

"But…", Kurt tries to argue, "then Jim will be here."

"I can go alone if you'd like."

Blaine is going to hear he's going to die and Kurt knows it and even if he wants to strangle Blaine for making him lose Jim, he can't let Blaine go alone.

"I'll come with you," he says dryly and tries to find the courage to get off from the couch.

"I'll take a shower and put on something else and then we can go."

He takes a long, hot shower, puts on some acceptable clothes and hides Jim's sweatpants and t-shirt in between the bed and the mattress. He doesn't want Jim to find it, he wants to wear it when he goes to sleep.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Not sleeping at all is not a good way to handle a jet lag, you know."

"Shut up," Kurt says as he lifts his head from Blaine's shoulder. He doesn't even really know how it ended up there and he feels guilty because Blaine is not Jim and he is supposed to be upset about Jim.

He _is _upset about Jim, he wants Jim and only Jim for his future. He doesn't want Blaine for his future, because Blaine is Blaine and Blaine is dying and he would've never had Blaine in the first place if Blaine wasn't dying and he was _happy _with Jim before Blaine came along and told him he was dying and why is he blaming things on Blaine anyway, Blaine was the one who was most resistant to all of this, he can't blame Blaine.

"The jet lag is not the reason I'm not sleeping."

"I know," Blaine says and takes his hand to squeeze it gently.

All of this is wrong, it should be the other way around and Kurt should be the one squeezing Blaine's hand comfortingly to tell him that it's going to be okay, you don't have to worry because I'm here.

But he can't do that, he just can't do that and he knows he should because they are in a waiting room with Blaine's oncologist and they have been at the hospital for two and a half hours now and tests have been done and they are about to hear the results when they get back in.

There's this unspoken agreement where they don't talk about what they think the results are going to be, because deep down they both know it's not going to be good.

Yes, Blaine had felt better after surgery, but not after chemo. He felt just as ill, just as exhausted as before, if not more.

They knew they were going to hear he was going to die sooner than the year they had promised him in advance, they just wanted to know how much sooner.

Blaine maybe knew this would be even sooner than Kurt had anticipated, because Kurt had not paid attention to him ever since they came back from Europe and even in those three days Blaine had felt weaker and weaker, pain growing stronger and stronger.

He now had severe chest pains during the night, as well as heavy legs and major headaches all the time, and he was pale and losing wait but he couldn't eat.

Everything he ate came out one way or another, and he was pretty sure that he had lost over 3 pounds in the last few days.

"Mr. Anderson."

They stand up, hands never leaving each as they sit down in the doctor's office.

"We've run some tests, Blaine, blood tests, and scans, to see if the chemo worked."

Then, doctor language, a lot of things that sounded like something he had once heard in Spanish class, but he was pretty sure it was Latin and he had no idea what the doctor was saying.

"What are you saying?"

He asks it in a whisper, while clutching Kurt's hand desperately. He is ready to hear what the doctor has to say, but what if Kurt isn't? What if Kurt's world collapses just that tiny bit more than it already has with Jim's leaving?

"The cancer has spread all over your body, Blaine, the chemo did not do the job it meant to do."

Blaine nods, not much of a surprise.

"How long do I have now?"

"How do you feel, Blaine, how do you really feel?"

Never had Blaine had so much trouble answering a question honestly.

"I feel like crap."

Kurt's eyes are suddenly on him and he can feel it.

"Everything hurts and I can't eat normally. I've only eaten bread and pizza in the last couple of days, but it doesn't matter because it all comes out anyway. I can't walk two feet without my legs feeling like I've run a marathon. I have headaches that cloud my mind and I sleep most of the day."

He can't look at Kurt, he feels Kurt's eyes begging to look at him but he can't because he knows he'll see guilt there, guilt and sorrow and pity and he _doesn't want it._

He wants Kurt to be happy and he ruined it all.

"I feel like I'm going to die tomorrow."

The doctor nods.

"I think you will have two months, tops, Blaine, but honestly two weeks won't surprise me."

"I feel worse by the day," Blaine says and feels a tear fall on his hand.

Not his tear, though, because he is actually quite composed and he's got his act together. He knew this was coming.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "there's a few things we can do, though, to make it more comfortable for you."

"More comfortable?"

Kurt's voice is raspy, painful to even just hear and God, Blaine just wants to hold him but his arms are too heavy to lift them and wrap them around Kurt.

"Mr. Anderson is going to be in even more pain every day," she turns to look at Blaine, "we can admit you to the hospital and give you pain medication to make it more comfortable, or we can try and get the pain medication to your own home. There will have to be someone who will take care of you day and night, though, because it's going to be soon that you can't even walk anymore."

"I'll do it."

Blaine's head snaps to Kurt and for the first time since three days Blaine _sees _Kurt, sees how much Kurt actually cares about him and he cries hard.

He lets the tears just flow and he cries and almost breaks Kurt's hand by squeezing it so hard and he whispers.

"You don't have to."

He whispers.

"I'll stay here, in the hospital."

He whispers.

"Please go save what you have with Jim."

"I'll do it," Kurt says again, not even looking at Blaine.

"Do not listen to what he says, I'll do it."

The doctor looks between them, before she turns to Kurt.

"You can just go home now, but the second it becomes too much, the second he is in too much pain for aspirin or ibuprofen to help him, call me. Call me and we'll have someone to your house as soon as possible to get him hooked on morphine."

"Morphine?" Kurt asks, "my dad said they only hooked my mom up on morphine as a last resort, that morphine is only there when there is no hope of them getting better for even just a day."

The doctor nods.

"I'm afraid your dad is right, once you start the morphine there's no going back. Morphine is a last resort to lessen the pain. Once he starts the morphine he can't turn to something lighter. I will prescribe something a little stronger than ibuprofen now, but when even that doesn't help he will have to get on morphine. You can postpone it as long as you would like, but that won't make it any easier for Blaine. When this doesn't help anymore he will really need the morphine. Don't postpone it too long because you are afraid."

"I won't," Kurt says with finality and the doctor hands him the prescription for the stronger pain meds.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Do you need these now, or is aspirin or ibuprofen enough?"

Kurt holds up the diclofenac the doctor prescribed, but Blaine shakes his head.

"All I need now is an ibuprofen and for you to get some sleep."

Kurt wants to turn the key in the lock, but the door swings open on its own accord.

Or well, not really its own accord, Jim swings it open from inside.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"I'd hoped you'd be away longer."

"I'd hoped I'd see you still."

"I don't want to talk to you, Kurt."

"Blaine only has two more months tops, but the doctor thinks two weeks is more accurate."

Jim turned to Blaine.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I'll be in my bedroom, Kurt, could you please bring me that ibuprofen later?"

Blaine nodded a thanks to Jim and left them alone in the hall.

"Where's my sweatpants and my red shirt?"

Jim remains all composed, calm and distant.

"I want to sleep in them."

"Please, Kurt."

"No. I'm not letting you go this easy, I love you and I don't want you to leave."

"Well, I want to leave."

Kurt grabs the sides of Jim's face.

"Don't you love me?"

But Jim pushed them away, taking a large step back.

"I'm fucking letting you stay in my house, I let you spend time with the man you cheated with and I'm miserable, Kurt, of course I love you. I just can't be with you anymore."

"Ever?"

"I don't own a time machine, I can't look into the future."

"But if you could, what would you want to see?"

"Fuck. If I had a time machine I'd go back to the past and never let Blaine stay here. So don't ask me for the future."

"Don't be so deep."

"This whole fucked up situation is deep."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That it would've been different if Blaine wasn't sick."

And Jim makes a point Kurt had made in his head quite a lot the last few days.

"He wouldn't even have been here," he says, "if he was ill nothing would be wrong."

Jim doesn't agree.

"Everything would still be wrong. Can't you understand how much it hurts that I'm not enough, that you still want to be with him?"

"He's dying, Jim."

"THAT'S NOT THE REASON YOU LOVE HIM!"

Kurt tries to respond, really, he tries, but what can anyone say to that? Or what can anyone say at all when you have Jim Pinter screaming at you. Screaming the most logical thing to you that you can't even understand why you hadn't thought of that before.

"You love him because he's Blaine, and you've always loved him for that. Even when he left and hurt you, the second he emailed you, you welcomed him back into your life. I get that he is sick, that he's going to die, but if you really did not love him anymore than you wouldn't even have opened that email. You still loved him before you knew he was going to die. You loved him this whole time, your heart was never truly mine."

"That doesn't take away the fact that that very same heart swells when it senses you, that it beats faster when you kiss these lips and that it will stop beating if you walk out of here right now."

Cheesy, corny, cliché, truth.

"I can't, Kurt, I have to take care of myself for once."

Kurt nods.

Jim has to take care of himself for once. He only wishes that taking care of himself would mean to choose love instead of loneliness.

"I can't tell what the future brings," Jim says, "I just know that I can't spend my life with you."

"Ever?" Kurt asks.

"I can't tell what the future brings," Jim repeats.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Song qoute at the top is 'I Think I'll Go Inside' by Joshua Radin_

_Angsty angst is angsty! __  
>I hope you guys understand where Jim is coming from, I know I do.<em>


	21. Time To Let This Fall From My Hands

_**So much I thought I'd have to say  
>Though I try to speak, my meaning strays<br>We can't avoid the facts that brought us here  
>I have come to say goodbye<strong>_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>Things do not get much better between Kurt and Blaine. Thinking that they could really be together with Jim out of the picture had been a silly thought.<p>

A silly thought from both of them.

Kurt is still spending all of his time in doors, in Jim's sweat pants and t-shirt to be exact, and he smells kind of bad.

Also, Blaine's senses are getting very… well, sensitive. Everything he smells, smells a ten times worse than it would for any other person.

So numerous times Blaine asks Kurt to change into something else, or to take a shower, but Kurt only sits on the couch and stares ahead.

Blaine has even thought of calling the hospital, saying that he wants to be admitted after all. The person who would take care of him can't.

Only he doesn't want to, not as long as he doesn't need to. He needs to fix this thing with Kurt, not run from it.

He's run to often before. He always ran when shit got complicated.

He ran when he got bullied so bad he couldn't stand it anymore, he ran to Dalton when he could've done more. He could've refused to be the victim like he told Kurt.

Kurt was so much braver than he was.

He ran when he was afraid his relationship with Kurt might not work out, he ran from Kurt.

Kurt never ran from him, Kurt was so much braver.

And then when he thought Kurt didn't feel the way he felt, he ran. He broke of all contact while Kurt tried so desperately to stay in touch.

Kurt was the courageous one. It had always been Kurt.

And only when he was sure he didn't have to run anymore, Blaine got his act together and owned up to it.

Only when he knew he had no other choice he contacted Kurt again.

Only to say goodbye.

He had never been really good at saying goodbye, and boy has he screwed up this goodbye.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I'm sorry," he says a week and a half after Jim really left.

He's settled himself on the couch, his head on Kurt's lap and the sweat pants smells bad, but he is only really happy that Kurt _allows _him to put his head down.

Though he wonders if Kurt is actually physically able to move at all.

A tear falls on his forehead.

"I'm sorry."

He says it again, and again, and again until Kurt responds at the seventh time he says it.

"Stop."

It's barely a whisper.

"Stop, you have nothing to be sorry about."

"I have everything to be sorry about, I came into your life and ruined your chances with Jim."

"They're not ruined, and it was me who started this whole thing."

"I'm a hypocrite," Blaine says, "I always ran when things got complicated and now I knew I would die and knew if things got shitty I'd get out anyway, I didn't think about the consequences it might have held for you."

"You thought about them more than I did, you didn't want to start this because of Jim, remember?"

Blaine nods.

"How do you feel?"

It's the first time Kurt asks it and Blaine smiles.

"Better than the doctor predicted I would, considering she only gave me two weeks."

"I'm going to take a shower."

And maybe, just maybe he would wear his own clothes once he got out.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"_How long, Kurt?"_

"Don't be a bitch."

"_How fucking long?"_

"two months, tops, but that was almost two weeks ago."

"_So you're saying a month and a half?"_

"Yes."

"_Well, shouldn't you be calling people?"_

"Why exactly did you sleep in that bathtub?"

"_What bathtub?"_

"You know what I mean."

"_No, I don't. I sleep in bathtubs all the time."_

"For fuck sake, Santana, can't you just admit that you miss him, want to talk to him and worry and care?"

"_Jesus, Hummel, when did you start swearing?"_

"Since my life is over."

"_You still live at that house from your party?"_

"Yes."

"_Fi__ne, I´ll be there in two hours."_

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt didn't know what exactly had changed after his conversation on the couch with Blaine, but he knew he needed to take better care of Blaine.

He needed to take better care of himself in order to take better care of Blaine, and to do so he knew one thing.

He knew he couldn't do it alone.

So he had contemplated calling Wes, but Jim was staying at Wes's and Jim needed a friend as bad as Kurt needed someone to help take care of Blaine. So Wes was out of the question.

He'd thought of calling Carole or his dad, but they lived to far away and Kurt knew they were trying to make ends meet with Finn still in college and paying of Kurt's college debts as it was, so he couldn't ask them to take time off of work.

He would offer them to pay off his college debts himself, but they would argue to no end telling him they thought it was a parent's duty to pay for their child's education.

So Burt and Carole were out of the question.

Finn was still in college and the college year had just started, so Kurt really did not want to ask him to take the first two months of during his final year, thus ending up calling Santana.

He remembered the look in Santana's eyes when she had entered the room at his party, he remembered how Santana had looked at Blaine after Kurt turned Jim's proposal down and he knew Santana missed her best friend.

He felt guilty for never calling her in the first place, especially when she called every day to check up on Blaine before they left to Europe, and now he hadn't even let her known they were back and just called her to ask her to help take care of Blaine.

Things were shit, if you thought about it.

And fuck, Santana was on her way and he hadn't even told Blaine she was. He could only hope Blaine would be okay with this.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I want to do this the right way."

Kurt says it, while resting his body against the doorframe.

"I was miserable the past two weeks because Jim left, but I have so little time with you and you need to know I want to do this right."

"Why?" Blaine asks, because he needs to know Kurt does this for the right reasons.

"Because I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night two years from now regretting the way I treated you. Jim left, he had a right considering the circumstances, but the reason he left is because I love you and I shouldn't let his leaving affect my love for you."

"No, you shouldn't," Blaine says and he doesn't know if he should be happy with Kurt's answer, but at least it's honest and honesty got them where they are and honesty will guide them through.

Honesty is kind of their thing, you see.

"Do you already need the morphine?"

"Not today, but maybe in a few days I do. I have this weird thing on my stomach," he says and he lifts his shirt, showing a big bump at his lower abdomen, Kurt immediately suspects it's got something to do with his left kidney.

"I've no idea what it means, but I'm pretty sure it's bad."

"Have you been able to urinate normally?"

Blaine laughs, but Kurt can see laughing hurts him.

"You can ask me if I can pee or take a piss, Kurt, we had sex in a bathroom stall mere weeks ago, no need to be all official."

Kurt smiles sweetly.

"Have you been able to take a normal piss?" he asks with the voice of an angel.

"No. It hurts and it's very little, do you think we should call the doctor?"

Kurt reaches to grab the phone.

"Santana is on her way over, she's going to help me take care of you," he says.

"That's good."

"Is it?"

A faint smile appears on Kurt's face.

"I never expected you to take care of me all on your own Kurt, it's fine that you asked for help and it's fine that it's Santana who you asked."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, could you now please call the doctor cause this hurts like hell."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Apparently, Santana Lopez grew into an amazing cook and an amazing care taker.

She arrived two and a half hours after Kurt had called her, two hours after Kurt had called the doctor and started panicking because there was no way Blaine could get to the hospital by public transport and Jim had taken the car with him.

Santana walked in, told Kurt to 'calm the freak down', gave Blaine a kiss on his cheek, told him he looked pale and handed Kurt the keys to her car.

"You sure you want to let me drive? I could stay home and cook and you could go with him, that's fine."

But Santana had waved it off.

"I just came out of there, I'm not getting stuck in New York traffic again. I hate driving in New York."

So they went to the hospital and though Kurt still didn't know exactly what was going on, he freaked the hell out when they punctured a needle in Blaine's bump and liquid just came out, literally just came out.

Two liters, or so said the doctor's assistant but Kurt didn't care if it was two liters or two hundred, he just knew that this was the beginning of the end, literally.

They drove back and got to where they are now, sitting at the dinner table with a gloomy atmosphere all around them.

"I hate you," Santana breaks the silence, but the atmosphere gets only gloomier.

She stares directly at Blaine.

"I hate myself," she then continues.

"It's my fault we never stayed friends after high school. I thought you were a stupid Lima Loser for failing and I thought you betrayed me because you befriended Brittany and I hated her so I thought I had to hate you. It was a stupid naïve way of thinking."

"I get it," Blaine says and Kurt sees that he needs to lay down. He even wonders why he allowed Blaine to sit down at the table in the first place.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Brittany," he says, "and I know how a mind works at that time, I broke up with Kurt because he was moving away."

Santana takes a bite of an empty fork, but she doesn't even seem to notice.

"I hate you because I had to hear from Noah Puckerman you're dying."

"Why are you here?"

"I said it when I was 18 and I meant it, you and Britt are the only ones I'll ever be truly there for."

That's when it all clicks in Kurt's mind, the thing that never clicked back in high school. Santana was to Blaine what Mercedes had been to Kurt.

The friend when there weren't any others, the friend who understood. Maybe Kurt and Mercedes had bonded over fashion, he was sure Santana and Blaine had their own thing.

It also clicked _why _it had been so important for Santana to know how Blaine was doing, why she called every day after she found out, why she drove out almost immediately after Kurt had called him.

Because that's what you do.

I love you and it's all platonic but you're still my world and I'd do anything for you.

If Santana even remembered, he'd apologize for that time he called her Satan even if it were just a joke.

They spend some more time at the dinner table, Santana explains she pursued a career in writing and Kurt did not even know she could write, but she says she brought her laptop and all her notes and she can work from home.

She writes a column for the New Jersey newspaper every day and she is currently working on a book, though she can't say much about and she promises Blaine she'll tell him about it all when Kurt is not around, not that she doesn't trust Kurt but she just can't.

No, she did not leave any gorgeous woman behind in her house for all this time, she is not seeing anyone at the moment because she just got out of a long term relationship and she is not entirely over that person yet.

Yes, she is completely over Brittany, that was 'just a high school crush' and she doesn't let Kurt and Blaine argue, because she tells them that what they had and have was so much more than a high school crush.

Also, she knew they were having an affair the moment she walked through the door at Kurt's party because she might not be closeted anymore, but she's still a judgmental bitch and though she doesn't cheat anymore she still knows it and so she can still recognize it anywhere.

When Blaine literally falls of his chair from exhaustion, Santana and Kurt refuse to let him walk on his own, so Kurt lifts him up and Santana makes sure to lead and open every door on the way to Kurt's bedroom.

Kurt and Jim's bedroom.

It hurts Kurt that they will sleep in the bed he's always shared with Jim, but he also wants to sleep in the same bed as Blaine and he is pretty sure Blaine can't handle two people in a single bed anymore, it will hurt him too much.

Santana kisses Blaine's forehead, but Blaine doesn't notice because he's already fast asleep and only Kurt can hear what she whispers.

"I hate that I've only come to say goodbye."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

The next morning Kurt wakes up to Blaine moaning.

No, not that kind of moaning, the kind of moaning in pain and agony.

Tears are streaming down his face and Kurt can't really read his expression, it's almost as if he's being tortured.

Then he hears it, he hears it through the moans. When he's not moaning but breathing, he sounds squeaky and Kurt has heard that sound before.

Next to the heavy breathing and the moaning, he squeaks and Kurt knows it's because his lung is almost shut off, he just knows it.

He wakes Blaine, because maybe when Blaine is awake he can control the breathing a little better and maybe than he doesn't have that tortured look on his face.

But Blaine panics when he wakes up, and it requires Santana and Kurt both to get him to calm down, they both lay on the big bed, Blaine in the middle, when he drifts back to sleep and Kurt calls Blaine's oncologist again.

She says she'll send someone with medical supplies and there will be some sort of oxygen device that will help Blaine breathe.

"_And Kurt?"_

"Yes?"

"_I think you should start telling people to say goodbye."_

Kurt hangs up the phone without saying anything.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Later that evening Blaine is hooked on oxygen, though he does not look any better.

He calls Santana to his bedside.

"Don't tell Kurt said this," he says, "but you need to make sure he gets back together with Jim."

Santana closes her eyes and shakes her head heavily.

"No," she says while the first tears rolls down from her cheek and sticks on her upper lip.

"no, you're not giving me orders, you can give them to me next week."

But Blaine knows he won't be.

"You have to make sure they get back together, because I can't die without any indication that Kurt might be happy again."

"Then don't. Don't die."

She clasps to Blaine's hand and Blaine knows she soon lets it go because it feels too bony, too fragile and too unlike Blaine.

"And Santana?"

But her eyes are still closed and a second tear knocks the first tear from her upper lip to her lower lip.

"You should stop smoking cigars," he says softly, "you should stop smoking cigars because lung cancer sucks."

A weak smile appears on her face.

"I'm not making promises yet, Warbler, I'm not ready to admit you're dying."

"But I am," Blaine says and then closes his eyes because even though he would want to try and do more to get through to Santana, he can't anymore. It hurts too bad, it is too much and he wants to sleep.

Two years ago if he was really tired he would've said he wanted to sleep for, like, forever, but he doesn't anymore. He doesn't want to sleep forever because soon he actually will.

"Can you get Kurt, please?" he whispers instead, "I nap better when he's with me."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

The nap turned into an entire night of sleep, for Blaine.

Kurt never closed an eye.

Also, the bump was back. And the pain.

Kurt asks Blaine if he wants to go to the hospital again to get rid of all that liquid that's obviously stacking up in his abdomen for some reason, and when they get to the hospital Blaine gets a shunt in his abdomen, it will transport the fluid into a bag that hangs on Blaine's stomach and that bag has to be changed every four hours.

It's like some sort of catheter, Kurt explains to Santana and they take turns in changing it.

It's been three mornings when Santana and Kurt look at each other and Santana takes the phone without a word, to call the hospital.

"I'm calling on behalf of Blaine Anderson," she says, "he's terminally ill and he needs morphine. The pain killers we've got for him do not work anymore."

"Yes, he has two people that are home 24/7 to take care of him."

"No sir, he can't walk on his own anymore, he always needs someone to support him."

"Yes, that's right, that's his doctor."

Kurt has no idea what's going on at the other side of the line, but given the amount of questions Santana has to answer he's really happy he doesn't have to do this on his own.

Though he's got a handful of calming Blaine down and telling him that yes, Blaine, you need the morphine.

Yes, we know there's no going back once we hook you up on it Blaine, but no, you can't live like this anymore.

"No sir, if we don't start the morphine now I'm pretty sure he'll die in agony tomorrow and we don't want that."

Maybe Santana shouldn't have said that in Blaine's presence, because Blaine's frail hands grasp Kurt as tight as they possible can and Kurt heaves Blaine up to his chest and starts softly rocking him back and forth.

_Your eyes as we said our goodbyes  
>Can't get them out of my mind<em>

Kurt starts singing Rent, because what else is there to sing, really?

_The ones that took me by surprise the night you came into my life  
>Where there's moonlight I see your eyes<em>

Kurt's chest aches of how accurate this song is, a song about eyes. Hazel eyes that aren't hazel anymore. Not really, they're empty and ill and _changed._

_How'd I let you slip away when I'm long so to hold you?  
>Now I'd die for one more day because there is something I should told you<em>

I love you, he thinks, I loved you, I love you, I love you, you and you.

_When I look into your eyes, why does distance make us wise?_

Why does it? Why does distance make us wise?*  
>The distance of them, the distance of all the moments they should've spent together. Lamenting, lamenting, lament.<p>

The song is so accurate and Kurt cries in Blaine's hair as he is still rocking him back and forth and then he notices Blaine has gone limp in his arms and he panics.

"Blaine!" he says with force, "Blaine!"

But Blaine doesn't respond.

He looks at Santana desperately, but Santana just waves her arm as if she's urging him to sing on.

_You were the song all along and before the song dies  
>I should tell you, I should tell you I have always loved you<br>You can see it in my eyes_

Kurt clutches desperately to Blaine again, pressing a hard kiss to his head when suddenly he startles as Blaine heaves a deep sigh.

"That should've been our song," he whispers and Kurt smiles through his tears.

"I thought you were gone," he says still crying, "I thought you were gone before we even had a decent goodbye."

Blaine released himself from Kurt's arms and tried to sit up straight in the bed.

"I'm not going anywhere without saying goodbye to you."

Kurt looks him deep in the eyes, trying to find the last bit of hazel but he fails.

"I thought I'd never say goodbye to you."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

After another twenty minutes on the phone and explaining over three times that yes, Blaine is already hooked on oxygen and yes, he also has some sort of catheter thingy in his stomach, someone _should be _on their way.

Another four hours later, Blaine has two machines next to his (or actually Jim's, Kurt corrects himself) side of the bed.

One for oxygen, one for morphine.

He gets a small dose at first, but the nurse explains to Kurt and Santana that they have to increase the dose every time until they reach the max, because otherwise it won't work.

The first dose, nothing special happens except that Blaine seems a little more cheerful, a little less in agony and little less tortured.

The second round he says this stuff is the best painkillers he's ever had and he eats an entire bole of chocolate pudding, while he hadn't been able to keep anything in since Santana's arrival.

The third dose, which is the following morning, Blaine is absolutely delighted.

"I want to go out Kurt, I want to watch rainbows."

Kurt huffs.

"I've never heard you talk about rainbows."

"Well, we have three gay people in this house, someone should talk about them."

"You're high, Blaine."

"Yes, and rainbows have _lovely _colors."

"Sure they do," Santana says as she rearranges Blaine's pillow.

"Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"Can I write a letter to my mom?"

It's actually the seventh dose and the third day on morphine that Blaine actually writes the letter.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_Helo mom,I think you think why is bliane riting to me so strange? Wll ' on __morf__morphin and I dont realy know anymore and wow this big letter are big letters are this. But you sad you happy if I die and when you read this im dead and kurt is gay and he is better care of me then than you and so how can you say gay not oky if he cares me when I die and you not._

_I go sleep now becase tird I ask kurt to post or santa because they good people good gay people gay is okay, __bi__ bye__ mom bye dad, not love from blaine._

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

When Blaine asks Kurt to post the letter, Kurt's heart breaks.

He looks so lost and exhausted and Blaine wonders if people on a high are the same as people who are drunk, more raw and more honest.

Because if they are Blaine needs some serious comfort and in this state he felt the need to send his parents 'not love'.

So instead of posting the letter, which he probably never will, he crawls into bed with Blaine and the content sigh Blaine breathes out flutters a light in his heart.

When he wakes up the following morning, Blaine is lucid.

"Kurt?" he asks weakly.

"Yes?"

"I really want you to post that letter. I know it's properly poorly written and makes no sense, but I want them to know what they've done."

"Is that really what you want Blaine?"

"Yes, I'm their child and I didn't get to say goodbye to my mommy and daddy. I want them to know what they've done to me."

"I don't think you know what you're saying, baby," Kurt tries to reason but even when he's weak and fragile, Blaine is stubborn and determined.

"Is it so wrong for me to want my mommy to hold me when I'm sick and tired?"

Kurt empathizes. He also wants his mommy to just hold him.

"Of course it's not," he says.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

At three that afternoon, Jim and Wes are at the door.

"Santana called me," Wes says while Kurt and Jim just stare at each other.

"She said he's hooked on morphine and that it's hours rather than days at the moment."

Kurt nods and lets them in.

"He's asleep now, I don't really want to leave his side for too long," Kurt says, "but you can wake him if you want, he says he doesn't want to sleep through his last days on this planet."

Wes nods and walks to Blaine's bedroom.

Kurt coughs, Wes turns around and Kurt nods his head into the direction of his and Jim's bedroom.

"I see," Wes says sternly and walks into the room.

"How are you holding up?" Jim asks but Kurt ignores him.

"Kurt, I asked you a question."

"I don't want to talk to you," Kurt says, "I lost you and now I'm losing Blaine. I don't want to talk to because it hurts too much."

Jim leaves it, but never takes his eyes of Kurt until he walks into the bedroom.

Kurt wonders what goes on in there, how do you say goodbye to the person your boyfriend cheated on you with? How do you say goodbye?

Maybe it's a plus that Blaine is high on morphine again, because he hears giggles from the bedroom from both Blaine and Jim.

Maybe Blaine's spilling the beans about their first time, something Kurt never ever told Jim about, how much he pried.

When Jim exits from the bedroom, he wears a smile that not quite reaches his eyes.

"He's way too young to die," he says and kisses Kurt's cheek before he goes.

Santana is there to catch Kurt when his knees give way.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Morphine has reached its max, Blaine isn't really getting high anymore, the morphine isn't doing the job like it used to in the first few days, but Blaine says the pain is bearable.

Finn has called and said his goodbye, so have Burt and Carole.

"_I hope holds out a week longer, Kurt, we've taken off work for two weeks and we'll be definitely there for the funeral. You should've called us sooner, we'd have been out there."_

It was good that they weren't, maybe it was supposed to be this way.

Kurt was still miserable without Jim in his life, but he didn't really notice as all he focused on was taking care of Blaine, making sure he was comfortable, making sure the catheter bag was changed, the oxygen was on the right level.

Making sure Blaine got everything he ever wanted.

"You have to promise me now, Santana," Blaine says late on Thursday evening, you have to tell me you'll get Kurt and Jim back together."

Santana doesn't even smile weakly like she used to around Blaine, she just crawls into his bed and with that Blaine knows she knows it's almost over.

"I promise, Hobbit Warbler Anderson," she says and kisses his cheek.

"Can you get him for me now?" Blaine asks but Santana holds onto him for another fifteen minutes.

"I think I'll never be ready to leave this room," she says, "but I'll go get him. I'll see you when I'm old and wrinkly."

She winks and jumps of the bed to get Kurt. She has to get him, because Blaine was already starting to breathe irregularly when she walked away.

"You have to go, now," she says sternly, taking the laundry away from Kurt, "I'll do this."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"You wanted to see me?" Kurt asks as Blaine lies on his back with his eyes closed.

Kurt hopes to everything that he can think of that Blaine can open them at least one more time, he has to see if the hazel really is gone, if it's really only hollow left.

Blaine flutters a few times, when he opens his eyes and Kurt reaches out to pull Blaine close, so close.

Hazel is everywhere in those eyes, for a fragment of a millisecond, when they turn hollow again.

But Kurt saw it, there was still hazel and this boy is still Blaine.

Even if he is bald with soft baby-like hair growing back on it, even if he's pale and fragile, even if his cheeks are hollow and he weighs no more than a bony thirteen year old, this is Blaine.

And with that hazel he said what Kurt so desperately needed to hear.

_This is who I am and who I'll still be when I walk away from here.*_

Blaine settles his head on Kurt's chest as they slouch down on the bed and Kurt takes Blaine's arm in his hand.

He knows this is it, he knows Blaine is content with the way his head is on Kurt's chest and he knows almost everything between them is said.

So Kurt reaches down and takes Blaine's wrist in his arm, he feels it.

"I really care about you," Blaine whispers lazily and Kurt kisses his head.

"I've been looking for you forever," he breaths and Kurt kisses his head.

"I'm crazy about you," he says and Kurt kisses his head.

Then Blaine tries to find all the courage, all the strength he has left and lifts his head on his own accord.

"I love you," he mouths and Kurt kisses his those dry lips.

"I love you, too," he says into Blaine's mouth, before Blaine collapses back on his chest, unable to support his own weight any longer.

They lay in silence for a long time, everything has been said.

Blaine's breathing gets more and more irregular with every breath he takes, it's heavy and deep one time and shallow and light the next moment.

Then he softly giggles in Kurt's chest, eyes still closed and Kurt asks what's so funny in a whisper.

"Pavarotti's here," Blaine answers.

Kurt smiles.

"And so is your mom," Blaine says seriously the next moment.

"I have to go, Kurt," he says.

"Then go," Kurt whispers as he presses his lips to the soft downy hairs on Blaine's almost bald head.

He feels nothing.

The fingers that he held onto Blaine's pulse feel nothing.

He keeps his lips brushing over the top of Blaine's head, as he glances over to the alarm clock on the night stand.

"Time of death," he whispers, "23.46"

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Song quote at the top is 'From My Hand' by VNV Nation  
>* quote from the same song<br>The song Kurt sings is 'Your Eyes' from Rent._

_I promise you, this is not the end of the story. Not yet.  
>Also, please don't ask me if I believe in spirituality because of the Pavarotti and Elizabeth moment Blaine has, because I honestly just do not know what I believe. I do believe Blaine saw then, may that be in his head, a reassurance his subconsious gave him before he died or they really came to get him, I don't know. I just know Blaine saw them and Blaine believes and that's what important :).<em>

_**'Of course it's all in your head, but why should that mean it's not real?'**  
>-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' <em>


	22. And I Swore I'd Never Let You Go

_**Holding on to never say goodbye**_

_**.**_

* * *

><p>"Wowowowow, Kurt," Santana practically screams as she makes her way over to Kurt throwing dishes at the ground.<p>

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Nothing."

He throws a plate.

"Abso-fucking-luty nothing."

He seems so calm, but a coffee mug ends up against the wall at the other side of the kitchen.

"Yeah, nothing, I can see that."

Kurt just wants Santana to disappear, he wants everything to _fucking _disappear and everything he can help _make _disappear, he will.

Thus throwing dishes around.

Because he has no idea what to do and he can't keep beating himself up over it.

He can't keep asking himself why the _fuck _he never talked to Blaine about what kind of funeral he wanted.

If he even wanted a funeral at all, what if he wanted to be cremated? What would he do then and where the _fuck _would he leave the _fucking _urn with Blaine's _fucking _ashes in it.

He doesn't even know where Blaine is right now.

Or, his body actually.

He doesn't even know where Blaine's body is because half an hour after Blaine died Santana had picked Kurt up from the bed and put him in her bed. Or Blaine's bed. Or the bed in the guestroom, whatever.

He didn't even know what that bed was if it wasn't Blaine's and it never would be Blaine's again.

He just knows he fell asleep and when he woke up the next morning Santana had taken care of it.

"_Oh my God, Santana you haven't buried him in Central Park have you?_

"_No, Kurt."_

"_Well then don't say you've 'taken care of things'. It sounds creepy."_

She just assumed him that could take the suit there the morning before the burial and he could tell them exactly how he wanted Blaine to lay, to be.

And now he didn't know what else he should do because he didn't know what Blaine would've wanted, at all.

So he ends up throwing another coffee mug, aimed at Santana's head because she is so damn right about the fact he can't do this, and it annoys him.

It annoys him that _Santana freaking Lopez _is doing the right thing for once.

And he's mad, so fucking mad.

"Hell no, Hummel, you did not just aim a coffee mug at my head," she hisses after catching the mug effortlessly in her hands.

Kurt sighs heavily, so many things are so completely wrong in this situation. When did it become Hummel and Lopez? When did things become Santana and Kurt?

When did he give Santana the right to calm him down, to handle things together with him?

"It was when I took Blaine and Dave apart that we became friends," she says, "you know, during that stupid Night of Neglect thing."

Kurt huffs. Why is it that everybody is reading his mind when he himself is so confused, so angry, so sad and heartbroken?

"Funny," he says, "because you were dating Dave the next week."

"I thought you were proud of your Latina Eve Harrington."

"I wasn't proud of you hiding yourself. It would've been nice to not be the only one out in the school."

"Yeah, well, luckily that changed when Blaine came along."

Nope, she should not have mentioned Blaine's name.

"I hate how his life ended," he admits breathily as he lets himself slide down to sit on the ground against the counter.

"He died in your arms, I think he was pretty content."

"Oh yes, he was, but there are things that I regret."

"Like?" Santana asks.

"Like how his last time was in a bathroom stall."

"His last ti… oh. Well, at least it wasn't seven years ago."

Kurt smiles weakly, there wasn't really anything to smile for.

"What else?"

"When we went to Tiffany's a few weeks ago he had something engraved for me. He never got to pick it up."

Kurt looked at Santana through bleary eyes and was surprised to find a mischievous grin.

"What?" he snapped.

"I've been cleaning out his stuff, and I found a this receipt for Tiffany's with a pick up date, and a letter under it.

She sticks her hand in her bra.

Yes in her bra.

And she takes out a small note to hand to Kurt.

_Whoever finds this, please pick it up and give it to Kurt._

"Did you…?" he asks, but Santana already shakes her head.

"No," she says, "I wanted to ask you first."

He waves her off.

"Go pick it up," he says, "go pick it up and I'll try and sort out music for the funeral."

Because he doesn't really know what else he should do, what else is there to do at a funeral?

Santana leaves to pick up whatever Blaine had made for Kurt and Kurt cleaned up the mess he'd made before he sat down at the table to think of what music Blaine would've wanted to hear at his funeral.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt is fast asleep on the couch when Santana returns from Tiffany's, a small ring box in her bag. She hadn't looked in it, she wanted Kurt to be the first one to see whatever Blaine had bought for Kurt.

So she softly wakes him, though her heart aches when she does so. He looks so peaceful asleep, so whole and healed and the moment he opens his eyes she sees the heartbreak again.

"I've got the thing that needed to be picked up," she says and grabs it from her bag.

Kurt takes it hesitantly, and only opens it when Santana urges him to do so.

It's a gorgeous ring, white gold and simple, with text engraved on the inside.

_I'm never saying goodbye to you_

Kurt sobs while Santana takes his hand to put the ring on his finger.

"What do you want to do with this one?" she asks, toying with Jim's engagement ring.

Kurt extends his other hand.

"Put it on this one," he says. No way he's taking of the engagement ring, ever.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Kurt barely remembers anything from the rest of the week. Santana pretty much handled everything and now he's here, in a funeral home, Santana holding onto him tightly as he watches Wes and Jim take their seats.

He's supposed to say something, to hold some sort of speech in honor of Blaine and he has a note clutched to his chest.

Though he doesn't even remember what he wrote on it, he can't even remember _if _he wrote anything on it.

He just knows he is watching Jim sitting next to Wes and a casket in which Blaine's body supposedly lies.

But it's closed, so he just has to assume it is Blaine in there.

He'd seen Blaine's body the day before, as he went to drop off Blaine's suit.

_Bury me in satin._

He doesn't know how he feels about the fact that the last time his and Blaine's body will be in the same place together, Jim is there too, but he doesn't have much time to make up his mind about it, he hears the minister call his name and his feet automatically bring him to the front.

He faces the people in the hall, his eyes scan and find his father, Carole and Finn, next to Rachel. He smiles weakly, some people will truly never say goodbye.

Rachel sits next to Wes.

Wes sits next to Jim, who smiles sadly and mouths 'you can do this'.

Kurt heaves a deep sigh, fights back a sob but lets the tears flow freely. He doesn't even open the folded paper he clutches in his hand so desperately.

"When we were seventeen, I told Blaine I'd never say goodbye to him and I never did. We fell out, we lost touch for a few years but he was always with me. Blaine touched something deep inside me when I was sixteen. He showed me I was not alone, he showed me I could be happy and that was something I held onto, even when we weren't on speaking terms, because of Blaine I was not completely hopeless.  
>Blaine and I got back in touch five months ago, when he told me he was ill and dying. We immediately reconnected and it was like things had never been different. Blaine was my inspiration, Blaine was the reason my graduation show was such a success.<br>When we were in the Netherlands a few weeks ago, we were happy. We were together and it was like old times sake. Blaine encouraged me to do things when we were sixteen, and he still does. Four weeks ago Blaine promised me I will be an amazing designer. He promised me amazing stars like Rachel Berry will wear my dresses to the tony awards. He promised me Wes Tsing would definitely wear one of my suits when he wins an Oscar. When, not if. Because that is who Blaine is, he believes in people and he believed in me. He believed in Wes and he believed in me.  
>Now he doesn't believe anything anymore and that's why I will believe for him. I will believe in people and I will believe in a life after today, after all this because I need to know I'll see him again.<br>Right before Blaine died he saw my mom and he saw Pavarotti and I believe they came to get him.  
>I believe when it is time for me to go he'll come and get me, but I also believe I have to live before he comes. He won't come and get me before I am happy again.<br>Blaine wants me to be happy, before he sees me again, Blaine is that selfless.  
>Is, not was.<br>When I was seventeen I said I would never say goodbye to Blaine and last week I didn't. I will never say goodbye to Blaine."

Jim closes his eyes and Kurt sees him sighing.

He wonders if he's ruined everything now, with this heartfelt speech about Blaine but it was spontaneous and it feels right. Like an epiphany.

He never even realized it himself.

He hasn't said goodbye, more like 'see you later'.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"That was a very nice speech, Kurt," Jim's hand feels heavy on his shoulder later, during the reception.

"Thank you," Kurt says, unwillingly leaning into the touch of Jim's hand on his shoulder.

"I know you love him," Jim says, "but you said you need to be happy before you see him again."

Kurt looks up at Jim.

"You made me happy," he says, "before Blaine was back in my life you made me happy."

Jim nods.

"Do you think I can come home?"

Kurt closes his eyes and lets a single tear roll down his cheek.

"Not today."

"Not today?" Jim repeats his words in question.

"Today is about Blaine," he whispers.

Jim nods.

"Maybe tomorrow," Jim says before he kisses the tear away from Kurt's cheek.

Kurt's smile reaches his eyes for the first time in what feels like forever.

"Maybe tomorrow," he says and when he looks Jim in the eyes he realizes something he's never really thought about before.

When he looks into Jim's eyes he sees this beautiful color.

He looks right into hazel.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Never Say Goodbye' by Bon Jovi_

_There you go, finished! Let me know what you thought of this :)!_


End file.
